I am jumping ahead in the timeline of events. This blog was meant as a way for me to share my feelings about having a child who is an addict and what it is like to be a mom who wants to scream, but just keeps it all inside, instead.
Lately, I have been doing a lot of that.
I will keep writing about everything that has happened, too. But, today is just one of those days where a lot of feelings and emotions are at the surface.
Do you ever hear songs on the radio or playlists that seem to be just what you did or did not need to hear that day?
Sweet Child of Mine by Guns and Roses is one of those songs. Sometimes it brings back good memories of my son as we listened to music while driving in the truck together and other times it makes me miss him like crazy.
Hotel California by the Eagles used to be one of my favorite songs. I had never really thought about the lyrics, though, until my son became a drug addict. As time went on, the last two lines of the song touched a chord in me and I wonder if the writers intended them to mean what I think they do.
The lines are: “You can check out
any time you like
But, you can never leave.”
Those words are a pretty good description of drug addiction. Once someone is addicted, even if they get
sober, they will always be an addict and will always be a guest at the “hotel”.
Or it could even be worse.
My son went from being a guest at the hotel,
to establishing a long time residency. I didn’t even know that it could get as bad
as it has. After the inpatient portion
of rehab when he was just 14 years old, he was still bitter and angry at us. Over the next few
months of outpatient treatment and family therapy, he seemed to change and
acted like he wanted more out of life than drugs. When we went on a mother/son exploring and
hiking adventure, we talked late into the night. The positive plans that he shared with me
about his future were amazing and I began to have a little bit of hope that my son would be one of
the success stories.
I wanted to believe what he said and trust his promises, but the reality is that you just can’t naively believe and trust an addict, whether is 14 or 24. He also is a good actor and
he is a very, very good manipulator. Keeping my heart open and believing that what he was doing or saying was real
and honest, has ultimately caused me to feel like my entire soul was being
crushed with disappointment and loss.
I can’t even wrap my head around what drugs have done to him and what they have
done to our family and relationships. He
is my child and I feel like I love him unconditionally, but do I love him no
matter what he does? Yes, I do. I will never stop loving him. But, I don't think unconditional love can be a real
thing when you are the parent of an addict.
Do I accept him as he is? No, I
do not. He has only been sober for a few
months at a time on and off for the last 11 years. Drug use has
turned him into someone that I don’t even know, anymore. Some of the things that he has done have made
me afraid of being alone with him at our home.
This means that he can’t stay with us when he has nowhere else to go. I can't accept his using, the horrible coarse language,
and even his smoking. I am angry at the
manipulating, lies, deception, and the dark path that he has let himself go down.
It upsets me that he has burned bridges with
friends and professionals who were willing to do all that they could to help
him. Now, they have been forced to shut
him out of their lives in order to protect themselves and their families. If he wants to get off the destructive path
that he is on and check out of the “hotel”, he does not have the tools or resources that he
needs to be able to do it. It
is hard to accept that he has turned his back on all of the people who wanted to
help him. If he had only accepted rehab
and sober living one of the many times that it was offered in the last several
years, maybe things wouldn’t have gotten as bad as they have for him. And for us.
I will always wish that he could be a part of
our family again. I want to laugh with
him, do fun things with him, and see him have a good relationship with his dad, brother, sister, and nieces and nephews.
Right now, there is no way that
he can be around his nieces and nephews.
My other two children don’t want their kids to see their uncle on drugs
or coming off them. They don’t trust him
and they are angry with him. My son
doesn’t even like to talk about him or hear his name. My daughter has thrown up her hands and said
that she can’t be an intermediary anymore because it is too hard on her. They are both tired of seeing him hurt us,
use us, and tear our lives apart. And
yet, deep down, they still have a soft spot for him. My older son has occasionally agreed to drive his
little brother somewhere and buy him something to eat. My daughter laughs at fun memories of him as
a child. Then she cries because of where he is at
now.
I cry a lot. I think my husband cries more than I do. We both have periods of anxiety
and depression related to the feelings we have about the situation. Things hit us at crazy moments that cause us
to ‘lose it’. Yesterday, I needed gloves
to pull weeds. I grabbed the leather
pair that my son wore last summer while he worked in the back yard and
immediately felt the tears welling up—just from holding a pair of gloves in my
hand. I thought about some of the fun
times that we had working together, planning, talking, laughing, and joking
around. The backyard project was going
to be hard, but he seemed glad to be able to help me with it. I was happy to have him
around. Nothing makes me happier than to spend time with each of my children. The summer of work and camaraderie lasted about 45
days and then we experienced one of the worst
traumas of our lives.
The consequences of that period of time have
not ended for any of us, especially him.
It feels like we have lost him, permanently. I find myself grieving as if he has died. It seems very unlikely that he
will ever be a part of our lives again.
He blames us for his current situation and takes no responsibility for
his choices or actions. We know that the years of continued drug use
and heavy heroin usage during the last few years have taken their toll on his
mental state. He has said and done
things that are unbelievable and are going to be hard to ever get over. I don’t know how we will be able to heal from
this. He still refuses to accept help and may never get better.
In addition to advocating for rehab and sober living, we have now had to
advocate for mental health help. We have repeatedly pushed and asked and no one listens. Time
goes by and the system that he is stuck in just lets his mental health slip through the cracks
as if it is not important. These ciircumstances are out of our control and nothing is working in his favor. He probably will never forgive us for his
current circumstances and has said that we are not his parents, that we are the worst thing that has ever happened to him, and that he will pay us back for this.
Sometimes, I feel as if I can’t forgive myself, either. What if I hadn’t done this particular thing? What if I had done that, instead? I keep ‘shoulding’ on myself, trying to go
back in time, and rethinking about what I could have done differently so that
none of this would have happened. I know
it doesn’t help to do that, but it is impossible to stop my mind from going
there. It tears me apart and the
questions don’t let me have any peace.
Why, why, why has nothing worked out for him?
Why does he have to go through this?
His life began with battles that he had no control over. He was born addicted to drugs. He was abandoned by his birth mother. He has extremely poor vision. A condition called "slow proecssing speed" kept him from doing well in school, even though he is very smart. Instead of being diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, he was labeled as having Motiviational Deficit Disorder by psychologists. He is oppositional defiant and has always battled with us over parental control. With a pre-disposition to addiction, it
seemed so unfair that he had to even begin to use drugs.
He didn’t think anything was wrong with marijuana and that it wasn’t a
gateway drug. Now he is an addict. Why did everything have to be so hard for
him?
We were overjoyed when he was given to
us. We adopted him with high hopes and
dreams. We only wanted the very best for
him. And everything that we have ever
done for him was to try to help him have that.
This kid was more loved and had more people in his corner than you could
possibly imagine. Everyone delighted in
him and loved watching him learn and grow.
He was the cutest, smartest, craziest, most extremely stubborn and determined child that I knew. We adored
him.
And now, it is killing us that things have turned out this way. I am tired of hearing that it is a learning experience
and that we will be stronger because of it.
It definitely does not seem like it is making us stronger. It is
hard to feel strong when you are falling apart. I don't know what kind of wisdom I have gained that I could share with others. I wish
someone could give me some wise counsel that would help the hurt go away and help me know what to do. Nobody
knows what to say or how to help us. I don’t even know how to help myself. I wish I knew what to do for my husband. He is struggling very much.
I am certain that our son is hurting and feels very alone. I have prayed for angels, friends, and grandparents who have gone to 'the other side' to be with him and to help him feel loved and cared about because our hands are tied and we can't do anything to help him.
I don’t know when he will even be able to
make decisions for himself again.
If that time comes, I want him to be
willing to do whatever he has to do to have a good, clean, sober, successful, and
happy life.
I really hope it will happen sooner than later.
And, I have to accept that I might not ever get the
chance to see it.
Or him, again.
