tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66337299904146462702024-03-12T17:21:03.242-07:00MOM SCREAMING INSIDEExpressing my thoughts as my child travels along the path of addiction, recovery, and sobriety.KBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14802588088329123042noreply@blogger.comBlogger101125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6633729990414646270.post-36786609230304327082023-02-28T23:53:00.001-08:002023-02-28T23:53:46.049-08:00Worry<p><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";">He really moved
out.</span><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"> </span></b></span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>
It made such a difference in our home’s atmosphere. I didn’t
feel like I had to walk on eggshells and I was very glad to have so much less
tension around me all of the time. <br />
<br />
Even though he lived away from us, he had no idea of how to live
independently. The daily face to face
battles diminished. Instead, we began to have daily phone and text battles.
Every circumstance in his life revolved around us and what he could get
us to do for him. He always made us feel
despised, but at the same time, he expected us to take car of bike repairs,
food, rent money, rides to and from work, help paying his fines, and even being
a listening ear when he felt like everything was always going wrong for him. <br />
<br />
We helped him out with some things and not others. We got his bike repaired, and then he
complained that the brakes didn’t feel right and he refused to ride it. He got
upset when we would only buy him things like milk and cereal, not pizza and
donuts. When we were out of town or were
involved in any other activity that prevented us from giving him a ride to
work, he would go on and on about how it was going to be our fault if he got
fired. Refusing to help pay his fines
meant that we obviously didn’t care about him having to go to jail. </b></span></span><b style="font-family: "Ink Free"; font-size: large;"> </b></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>One morning, he
called me from the County Jail. After drinking too much the previous night, he
couldn’t find his apartment and tried to get into someone else’s--which led to
his arrest for criminal trespass and public intoxication. He told me that he had been drinking because
he had f-d up his life and there was no hope. He felt that now he was going to lose his
job, lose his apartment, and then have nothing, and no way out. He wouldn’t divulge anything else about what
had been happening to make him feel that way.
</b></span></span><b style="font-family: "Ink Free"; font-size: large;"> </b></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I didn’t know what had led up to his being at the point where he would say that he had f-d up his life, but I
suspected that he was probably using drugs again. I felt quite terrified that something bad would happen to him, if he was drinking and using drugs while feeling as down as he
was about his life. It made we want to take
care of him and do anything that I could to keep him safe. At the same time, I was very angry at him and
just wanted to give him a lecture about making stupid decisions. I said a lot of things to him as we drove
home, but he just closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep. I dropped him off at the apartment without
hearing a thanks or a goodbye. </b></span></span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Even
though he always behaved horribly toward me, I couldn’t stop worrying about
him. If I didn’t hear from him for
several days, I felt scared and anxious.
Then, he would get in touch--in his usual demanding way--and I would get
irritated. But, he didn’t seem to be
suffering any of the gloom and doom that he had predicted about his life, so I
hoped that he was going to be all right for now.</b></span></span><b style="font-family: "Ink Free"; font-size: large;"> </b></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I already had plans
to go to California to spend some time with my daughter's family and our new baby grandson. I was excited to
go, but was nervous about leaving my husband behind to deal with our son on his
own. Every time we go somewhere, my son
seems to have immediate and dire needs for help. </b></span></span><b style="font-family: "Ink Free"; font-size: large;"> </b></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>So, I wasn’t totally
surprised when, late one night I got a phone call from him. He sounded really depressed and talked about
how nothing was going right for him. Once
again, he said that he had no hope and nothing to live for. Except this time, he added that he was sick
and having panic attacks. He explained that it would help if he could play his guitar, but he didn't have it anymore. It was at a Pawn Shop. He wanted me to pay to get his guitar
released. If I had connected
the dots that night, I would have realized that he was probably in with-drawl. I know now that when he says he is sick and having panic attacks, he has been using a lot. It also probably meant that he needed money for more drugs or something. By
having us pay to get the guitar out of the pawn shop, he could then re-pawn it to
get the money that he felt he needed. </b></span></span><b style="font-family: "Ink Free"; font-size: large;"> </b></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I finally had to
tell him that I was more than happy to keep talking to him, but I couldn’t
really help him in any other way because I was in California. He got very angry because I had not informed
him that I was going to be out of town and started yelling at me. </b></span></span><b style="font-family: "Ink Free"; font-size: large;"> </b></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>He blamed me for not
saying the right things, for not being there for him to talk to, for not
listening to him, and for always getting mad at him. He told me that it was my fault that he was unable
to accomplish anything that he wanted to do in his life, and that now he wanted
to just kill himself. He wanted me to
know that if he did end it all, I would be the one who caused it and I would
have to live with that for the rest of my life. </b></span></span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>
It was hard to listen to him say those things.
He was right that if he did end his life, mine would never be the
same. I wished I knew how to make him
feel loved, wanted, and needed. Throughout his life, I had done everything I could to help him have joy, purpose,
goodness, and success and it was heartbreaking that he didn't realize that. I told him that I loved him with all my heart
and would help him to the best of my ability in ways that I thought were
right. He refused believe any of
it. If he would have just opened his
heart, he might have been able to feel the love, care, and concern that I had
for him. But, he wanted me to hurt as
much as he was hurting, so he complained, ranted, raged, blamed, and threatened. I honestly did not know how to reach him
through all of that. </b></span></span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>
I suggested that he talk to his Dad about what was going on with him. He informed me that my husband is worse than I am and that he never listens and could care less
about helping him. He said that if I
wasn’t willing to figure out how to get his guitar out of the pawn shop, then
he might as well not live anymore and that maybe he would just not do his daily
check in with his court appointed case worker so that he could just go to jail
and die there. </b></span></span><b style="font-family: "Ink Free"; font-size: large;"> </b></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I asked him to think
about going to the mental health unit at the hospital to get some help with all
of those feelings. I told him that all
he had to do was ask and his Dad would be more than willing to drive him there. Of course, he was not willing to do that,
didn’t need that, and told me that I was stupid for even suggesting it to
him. He said he just didn’t want to live
anymore, didn’t want anything from me ever again, didn’t want his job, and was
just sick of everything. Again, I told him that I loved him, cared
about him, and wanted the best for him.
He called me a liar and said that he knew I never loved him or wanted
him and that I should plan on never hearing from him again. Then, he hung up on me.<br />
<br />
I called my husband and he tried to reach out to my son, but he wouldn’t answer
any texts or phone calls. He wouldn’t
communicate with us and we were both worried and very sad. <br />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></b></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>So, I spent a lot of
time snuggling my new grandson and had as much fun as I could with my
grandchildren--even though my heart was breaking. </b></span></span><b style="font-family: "Ink Free"; font-size: large;"> </b></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Alone at home, my
husband cried a lot.<br />
<br />
Then, he decided to get an old guitar re-strung for my son to show him that we do care about him.<br />
<br />
And we both hoped…that we would have a chance to give it to him. </b></span></span><b style="font-family: "Ink Free"; font-size: large;"> </b></p>
<span style="font-size: medium;"><b><span style="font-family: "Ink Free"; line-height: 115%;">Someday.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri, "sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;"> </span></b></span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span>KBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14802588088329123042noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6633729990414646270.post-29579437438608063362023-02-26T22:58:00.001-08:002023-02-26T22:58:59.290-08:00Summer<p> <span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: large;">I always wonder what
I did wrong or what I could have done differently to change the outcome or
the direction of my son’s life.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: large;">
If I could go back in time, I think I would be a more intentional parent than I
was. But, not just for my youngest child—for
all of my children. In today’s world,
there is so much information readily available about parenting that it makes me
think I could have done better. Mostly,
I just wanted my children to be happy.
My husband and I worked to provide opportunities for learning, growth, joy,
and fun. We did as much as we could to have great times
together. </span></span><span style="font-family: "Ink Free"; font-size: x-large;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: large;">I hoped that my
children would grow up thinking that I was a good mom.<br />
<br />
Throughout the summer that my son turned 18, I was told hundreds of times what a bad mom I was. </span></span><span style="font-family: "Ink Free"; font-size: x-large;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: large;">The tirades and
episodes of degrading blame and recrimination were endless. No matter how hard I tried or what I did to
make our home life feel calm and peaceful, nothing worked. It felt like we were in a sad, vicious cycle of
caring for our son and wanting the best for him while feeling hurt, angry, and
upset at him for the things that he did and said. <br />
<br />
One of the things that created a big problem between us was his job—mostly the
part about getting to work. We had
provided him with a nice bike for transportation and we only lived a few miles
away from Popeye’s. But, I drove him to
work more often, than not. The problem was that he demanded, expected, and wasn’t thankful for those rides. He took me for granted and abused my time as
if it wasn’t important. If I wasn’t
feeling well, had an appointment, or wasn’t even home when he needed to be
driven somewhere, it didn’t matter. In
his world, his needs surmounted any other priority and if I didn’t meet those
needs, he was sure to tell me how awful I was.<br />
<br />
It happened over and over again.
Sometimes, I just did what he wanted so that he would leave me
alone. Other times, I tried to make him
take responsibility for his own life and schedule and then felt like I paid a
huge price for it. </span></span><span style="font-family: "Ink Free"; font-size: x-large;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: large;">One morning, he apparently
overslept, came upstairs, and started yelling at me because—obviously--was my
fault. Then, instead of getting ready
for work, he spent all of his time telling me everything that was wrong with me
as a mother and as a person. He went on
and on blaming me for everything and anything that he could think of that made
his life so miserable. He was stuck in
one of his relentless and irrational cycles. </span></span><span style="font-family: "Ink Free"; font-size: x-large;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: large;">I knew that he would
never have been able to make it to work on time without my giving him a ride,
but the last thing I wanted to do was help him or do something nice for him. Foolishly, I did it anyway--with hopes that
if I did, he would stop his tirade. <br />
<br />
It didn’t work. He yelled at me during
the entire 5 minute drive. For some
reason, when we got there, he refused to get out of the truck. I had no idea what he thought he was going to
gain at that point, and felt very frustrated.
I don’t know how many times I said, “Get out and go to work”, but of
course he knew I couldn’t do anything to make him, so he defiantly just sat there. Every time I tried to use my phone to call my
husband for some assistance, my son tried to grab it away from me.<br />
<br />
I needed to get away from him, so I took my keys out of the ignition, got out of
the truck, and walked to Wal-Mart. I was
in my pajamas with morning hair walking through a parking lot. I am not the kind of person who goes anywhere
in public without being dressed and ready for the day, but that morning, I knew
that I would rather go to a store looking like I just woke up, than sit in my truck enduring
a never-ending battle. I called my
husband and told him that I needed him to come and get me because our son
wouldn’t get out of the truck. <br />
<br />
Then, I just stood near the Wal-Mart entrance, wishing that I was invisible. When my husband picked me up, he said that he
saw our son smoking behind the Popeye’s dumpster. I got in the driver’s seat and drove us back
toward Popeye’s. My husband jumped out, quickly slipped inside my truck, and drove away without any drama from behind the
dumpster. As soon as my son realized that my husband was driving my truck, he started texting me.</span></span><span style="font-family: "Ink Free"; font-size: x-large;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: large;">“I am coming to your
house later today after I have to WALK back home.”<br />
“I am GETTING my belongings. If your
husband won’t let me, I am getting them anyway.”<br />
“Tell your f-ing husband that after I get off work, I am coming with a ___ ___police
escort to get my stuff. So tell him to
be there. Or if I have to get it without
the police escort on my own time, I don’t think you will enjoy it as much.” <br />
<br />
My husband was also receiving the same kind of mean and threatening text messages,
so we decided to pack all of our son’s clothes and necessities into big trash
bags. We put them into the Jeep parked
in our driveway and left him a message that he could pick up his things
whenever he wanted to—without needing to contact us in any way. </span></span><span style="font-family: "Ink Free"; font-size: x-large;"> </span></p>
<span style="font-family: "Ink Free"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">Then, since it was a
Saturday, we left and drove up to the mountains.<br />
<br />
We needed to try to escape the madness of our lives.<br />
<br />
It was hard to enjoy being in one of our favorite places.<br />
<br />
But we tried.<br /></span>
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--></span>KBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14802588088329123042noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6633729990414646270.post-75960797358775376482022-01-13T22:05:00.000-08:002022-01-13T22:05:09.748-08:00AFTER THE INCIDENT<p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";">Someone might think that
being taken away by the police and having criminal mischief charges added to
all of his other drug paraphernalia charges would do something to change his
attitude, but it didn’t.</span><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"> </span><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"> </span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";">Nothing got better.</span><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"> </span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";">Within one or two
days, I told my sister, “I can’t take it anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel like I am constantly being verbally
abused and the only thing I can do is stay as far away from him as possible.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t want to be in my own house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was getting really hard to handle getting
beat up emotionally every day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wanted
him to move out, but then when he WOULD take off for a few days, I worried about him and constantly wondered where he was and what he was doing. <br />
<br />
He came back a few days after one of those disappearing acts with an eye
infection--an infection that he blamed me for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He said it was because I never gave him contact lens solution so that he
could take his contacts out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Seriously,
it has been a constant battle with him ever since he was 12 years old to get
him to take his contacts out every night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He never would.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He would wear
them for months at a time without taking them out to clean and change
them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, it was my fault that he had
an eye infection. It moved from one eye to the other and he missed a week of
work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That was a fun week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"> </span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";">On Sunday, we actually
decided to go to church to get some peace and quiet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We hadn’t gone for quite a few weeks because it is hard to feel like going to church when you are constantly getting yelled at.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was supposed to get ready to go to work
while we were gone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His eyes were still red
and he asked me what to do about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
told him to take a shower, put some anti-redness drops in, and get to
work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He wanted to know how he was
supposed to put his contacts in; what he would do if he went to work and they
sent him home; how was he <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>supposed to
keep his eyes from getting red while he worked, etc., etc., etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> He didn't want to hear any of our answers or solutions</span>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He just kept
going at us and wouldn’t stop his constant f-bombing. My husband finally got a little more upset
than usual and said that if he didn’t go to work and ended up getting fired, he
could just plan on moving out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Immediately, our son jumped on that statement and wanted me to get him a duffle bag
so he could start packing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We ignored his request and told him that we were going to church and would be back in time to
give him a ride to work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
It was a relief to leave the house, but when we got outside, we saw our
neighbor. He seemed a little bit embarrassed to see us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There had been so much yelling in our house
that it would have been hard for him NOT to hear what had been going on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I said, “So, Jim, did you enjoy our Sunday
morning entertainment?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That broke the
ice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He said he did not know how we put
up with that and that he really admired us.</span><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"> </span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";">Admired.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would rather not be admired for having to
deal with this impossible situation. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
would rather not think of life with my son as an impossible situation.</span><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"> </span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";">We said we were
going to walk up to the church and that if he saw our house on fire or anything
else, to come and get us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
laughed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
After a morning like that, we didn’t really feel like being at church, so we
just sat in the building for about 30 minutes and then went back home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our son said he was ready for work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, as soon as he got in the truck, he
demanded to know when he needed to move out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We told him that if he kept his job and could treat us nicely, he didn’t
have to move out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He said that he couldn’t
possibly do anything that he wanted to do while living with us, As he got out of the truck he said that he was
going to quit his job and be gone the next day.<br />
<br />
Two days later he left.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"> </span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";">My grandsons and I were having a playdate one morning. We were having a good time right up until my son woke up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He demanded to know where our old Playstation
was and wanted me to find it for him right then. I said that I was taking care of the boys and would not look for the Play
Station until after they went home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He started to yell at me about
how he needed me to find it right then, so I took the boys outside and left my poor husband alone inside with our son. The boys and I had fun playing in
the water and having a picnic, but every now and then, one of the boys would hear
the yelling inside the house and would say something about his uncle being
‘grumpy’. He was more than grumpy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was absolutely horrible to my
husband, screaming right into his face, following him around the house, blocking
him from going into the office, and calling him all kinds of terrible
names.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He even said, “Sometime I am
going to kill you, then I am going to kill her, and then I am going to kill
myself.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Finally, he stormed out of the
house with a full backpack and told me that he couldn’t stand living with us
anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"> </span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";">The escalating turmoil was becoming too much to handle. I didn’t like how he acted with
the boys there and I felt very uneasy about the threat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had no way of knowing if it would come back
to haunt me in the future, but I had a bad feeling about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Having him out of the house was </span>a relief and I wondered how long the respite would last.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
A few days later at 7:00 a.m., he was back, acting like nothing had happened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He came in, got something to eat, took a shower,
and said he would like a ride to work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But, as soon as he asked me to put his hair in a man-bun and it didn't look as great as he thought it should, the wrath began.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Why should I even have to put his hair in a bun? It was ridiculous to be yelled at for that and it </span>didn’t exactly make me want to take him to work, but when, I told him
to ride his bike, he demanded to be driven because there were clouds in the sky
and it might rain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> And, j</span>ust like every
other time, in order to get him to stop yelling, I took him to work. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I made him take his bike with him because I didn’t
want him to assume that he was just automatically coming back home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I hoped that if he had his bike, he would choose to go somewhere else after work. </span>He yelled at me all the way to Popeyes about
his hair, his bike, his job, my attitude, and everything and anything that he
could think of to yell at me about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
told him to just shut up and his parting
shot was that I was being such a b****. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was always ME and never him.<br />
<br />
He was supposed to go to court the next day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I wished that I would get a chance to tell the judge, “At this point, I feel like
the son that I used to know doesn’t exist anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The person that he is – is selfish, mean,
angry, and uncaring. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is not good for
any of us to have him living in our home right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe if he had to live somewhere else under
the court’s authority, he could take some time to find out what he wants in his
life (besides the freedom to use drugs) and could eventually, when everyone is
ready, work on rebuilding relationships.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We would miss him and we do love him, but we don’t want to keep going
through these things with him every day.”<br />
<br />
Of course, I didn’t get a chance to say it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"> </span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He actually made it
to court without any drama and was given $675.00 in fines, 30 days in
detention--suspended, and 40 hours of community service. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While on probation, if he were to be caught
drinking or using drugs, he would be punished in the adult system because he
would be 18 by then.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She told him that he had to complete the community service without any help from us and then said, “I
have read the report on you and it does not make you sound like a very good
person. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You need to get more backbone
than wishbone and learn to work for what you get and stop expecting it all to
be handed to you.”</span><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"> </span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">And my son said, “Yes ma’am.”</span><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"> </span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-size: large;">Then, came home and started yelling at
us again.</span><br /><br />July 2014<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>KBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14802588088329123042noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6633729990414646270.post-76220570109336349722021-07-09T19:56:00.002-07:002023-02-26T15:47:57.011-08:00Still Screaming Inside<p><b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="color: #20124d; font-size: medium;">I am jumping ahead in the timeline of
events. This blog was meant as a way for
me to share my feelings about having a child who is an addict and what it is
like to be a mom who wants to scream, but just keeps it all inside, instead. </span></span></b></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="color: #20124d; font-size: medium;">Lately, I have been doing a lot of that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="color: #20124d; font-size: medium;">I will keep writing about everything that has
happened, too. But, today is just one of
those days where a lot of feelings and emotions are at the surface. </span></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="color: #20124d; font-size: medium;">Do you ever hear songs on the radio or
playlists that seem to be just what you did or did not need to hear that
day? </span></span></b></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="color: #20124d; font-size: medium;"><u>Sweet Child of Mine</u> by Guns
and Roses is one of those songs.
Sometimes it brings back good memories of my son as we listened to music while driving in the truck together and other times it makes me miss him like crazy. </span></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b style="color: #20124d;"><u><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">Hotel California</span></u></b><b style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"> by
the Eagles used to be one of my favorite songs. I had never really thought about the lyrics, though, until my son became a drug addict. As
time went on, the last two lines of the song touched a chord in me and I wonder
if the writers intended them to mean what I think they do. </span></b></span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="color: #20124d;"><b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: medium;">
The lines are: “You can check out
any time you like<br />
But, you can never leave.”</span><br />
<br /><span style="font-size: medium;">
Those words are a pretty good description of drug addiction.</span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-size: medium;">Once someone is addicted, even if they get
sober, they will always be an addict and will always be a guest at the “hotel”.</span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span><br />
<br /><span style="font-size: medium;">
Or it could even be worse.</span></span></b></span><b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><o:p><span style="color: #20124d; font-size: medium;"> </span></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="color: #20124d; font-size: medium;">My son went from being a guest at the hotel,
to establishing a long time residency.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t even know that it could get as bad
as it has.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After the inpatient portion
of rehab when he was just 14 years old, he was still bitter and angry at us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Over the next few
months of outpatient treatment and family therapy, he seemed to change and
acted like he wanted more out of life than drugs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When we went on a mother/son exploring and
hiking adventure, we talked late into the night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The positive plans that he shared with me
about his future were amazing and I began to have a little bit of hope that my son would be one of
the success stories.<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><o:p><span style="color: #20124d; font-size: medium;"> </span></o:p></span></b><b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="color: #20124d; font-size: medium;">At group meetings while in rehab, he talked
about his drug use up to that point and the extent of his usage was quite surprising
to us. These revelations convinced us
that he clearly needed the intervention that had taken place. Once, he shared that he would never ‘do
heroin or meth because they really can mess you up’ and that he never would
drink because he didn’t like how alcohol made him feel. I
optimistically began to think that everything could really work out for him. I just
have never been able to completely give up on him, even though he has relapsed repeatedly and
each time it has gotten worse. There
have been so many more bad times than good over the last several years. And, now my worst nightmare has come
true. He has gone on to use LSD,
cocaine, meth, and heroin and I have seen what these drugs have done to destroy his
mind, body, and soul. Over the last few years he has used heroin so extensively
that he resorted to constant lying and even stealing from us to try to get the money that
he needed for his drugs. </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><o:p><span style="color: #20124d; font-size: medium;"> </span></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="color: #20124d; font-size: medium;">I wanted to believe what he said and trust his promises, but the reality is that you just can’t naively believe and trust an addict, whether is 14 or 24.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">He also </span>is a good actor and
he is a very, very good manipulator.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Keeping </span>my heart open and believing that what he was doing or saying was real
and honest, has ultimately caused me to feel like my entire soul was being
crushed with disappointment and loss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
I can’t even wrap my head around what drugs have done to him and what they have
done to our family and relationships.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
is my child and I feel like I love him unconditionally, but do I love him no
matter what he does?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, I do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will never stop loving him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> But, I don't think </span>unconditional love can be a real
thing when you are the parent of an addict.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Do I accept him as he is?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No, I
do not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He has only been sober for a few
months at a time on and off for the last 11 years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Drug use </span>has
turned him into someone that I don’t even know, anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some of the things that he has done have made
me afraid of being alone with him at our home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This means that he can’t stay with us when he has nowhere else to go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can't accept his using, the horrible coarse language,
and even his smoking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am angry at the
manipulating, lies, deception, and the dark path that he has let himself go down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></b><b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><o:p><span style="color: #20124d; font-size: medium;"> </span></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="color: #20124d; font-size: medium;">It upsets me that he has burned bridges with
friends and professionals who were willing to do all that they could to help
him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, they have been forced to shut
him out of their lives in order to protect themselves and their families.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If he wants to get off the destructive path
that he is on and check out of the “hotel”, he does not have the tools or resources that he
needs to be able to do it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
is hard to accept that he has turned his back on all of the people who wanted to
help him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If he had only accepted rehab
and sober living one of the many times that it was offered in the last several
years, maybe things wouldn’t have gotten as bad as they have for him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And for us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></b><b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><o:p><span style="color: #20124d; font-size: medium;"> </span></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="color: #20124d; font-size: medium;">I will always wish that he could be a part of
our family again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to laugh with
him, do fun things with him, and see him have a good relationship with his dad, brother, sister, and nieces and nephews.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Right now, there is no way that
he can be around his nieces and nephews.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My other two children don’t want their kids to see their uncle on drugs
or coming off them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They don’t trust him
and they are angry with him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My son
doesn’t even like to talk about him or hear his name.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My daughter has thrown up her hands and said
that she can’t be an intermediary anymore because it is too hard on her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are both tired of seeing him hurt us,
use us, and tear our lives apart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
yet, deep down, they still have a soft spot for him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My older son has occasionally agreed to drive his
little brother somewhere and buy him something to eat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My daughter laughs at fun memories of him as
a child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then she cries because of where he is at
now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
I cry a lot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I think m</span>y husband cries more than I do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We both have periods of anxiety
and depression related to the feelings we have about the situation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Things hit us at crazy moments that cause us
to ‘lose it’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yesterday, I needed gloves
to pull weeds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I grabbed the leather
pair that my son wore last summer while he worked in the back yard and
immediately felt the tears welling up—just from holding a pair of gloves in my
hand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought about some of the fun
times that we had working together, planning, talking, laughing, and joking
around.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The backyard project was going
to be hard, but he seemed glad to be able to help me with it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was happy to have him
around.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Nothing makes me happier than to spend time with each of my children. </span>The summer of work and camaraderie lasted about 45
days and then we experienced one of the worst
traumas of our lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></b><b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><o:p><span style="color: #20124d; font-size: medium;"> </span></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="color: #20124d; font-size: medium;">The consequences of that period of time have
not ended for any of us, especially him.<br />
<br />It feels like we have lost him, permanently.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I</span> find myself grieving as if he has died.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It seems very unlikely that he
will ever be a part of our lives again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He blames us for his current situation and takes no responsibility for
his choices or actions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We know that the years of continued drug use
and heavy heroin usage during the last few years have taken their toll on his
mental state.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He has said and done
things that are unbelievable and are going to be hard to ever get over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know how we will be able to heal from
this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He still refuses to accept help and may never get better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In addition to advocating for rehab and sober living, we have now had to
advocate for mental health help.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> We have repeatedly pushed and asked and no one listens. </span>Time
goes by and the system that he is stuck in just lets his mental health slip through the cracks
as if it is not important.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> These ci</span>ircumstances are out of our control and nothing is working in his favor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He probably will never forgive us for his
current circumstances and has said that we are not his parents, that we are the worst thing that has ever happened to him, and that he will pay us back for this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
Sometimes, I feel as if I can’t forgive myself, either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What if I hadn’t done this particular thing?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What if I had done that, instead?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I keep ‘shoulding’ on myself, trying to go
back in time, and rethinking about what I could have done differently so that
none of this would have happened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know
it doesn’t help to do that, but it is impossible to stop my mind from going
there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It tears me apart and the
questions don’t let me have any peace.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
Why, why, why has nothing worked out for him?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Why does he have to go through this?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>His life began with battles that he had no control over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was born addicted to drugs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was abandoned by his birth mother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He has extremely poor vision.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> A condition called "slow proecssing speed" kept him from doing well in school, even though he is very smart. Instead of being diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, he was labeled as having Motiviational Deficit Disorder by psychologists. </span>He is oppositional defiant and has always battled with us over parental control. With a pre-disposition to addiction, it
seemed so unfair that he had to even begin to use drugs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He didn’t think anything was wrong with marijuana and that it wasn’t a
gateway drug.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now he is an addict.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why did everything have to be so hard for
him?</span></span></b><b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><o:p><span style="color: #20124d; font-size: medium;"> </span></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="color: #20124d; font-size: medium;">We were overjoyed when he was given to
us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We adopted him with high hopes and
dreams.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We only wanted the very best for
him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And everything that we have ever
done for him was to try to help him have that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This kid was more loved and had more people in his corner than you could
possibly imagine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everyone delighted in
him and loved watching him learn and grow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He was the cutest, smartest, craziest, most extremely stubborn and determined child that I knew.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We adored
him.<br />
<br />
And now, it is killing us that things have turned out this way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am tired of hearing that it is a learning experience
and that we will be stronger because of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It definitely does not seem like it is making us stronger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is
hard to feel strong when you are falling apart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don't know what kind of wisdom I have gained that I could share with others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wish
someone could give me some wise counsel that would help the hurt go away and help me know what to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nobody
knows what to say or how to help us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t even know how to help myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wish I knew what to do for my husband.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is struggling very much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></b></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="color: #20124d; font-size: medium;">I am certain that our son is hurting and feels very alone. I have prayed for angels, friends, and grandparents who have gone to 'the other side' to be with him and to help him feel loved and cared about because our hands are tied and we can't do anything to help him. <br /><br />I don’t know when he will even be able to
make decisions for himself again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></b><b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><o:p><span style="color: #20124d; font-size: medium;"> </span></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="color: #20124d; font-size: medium;">If that time comes, I want him to be
willing to do whatever he has to do to have a good, clean, sober, successful, and
happy life. <br />
<br />
I really hope it will happen sooner than later.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="color: #20124d; font-size: medium;">And, I have to accept that I might not ever get the
chance to see it.<br />
<br />
Or him, again.</span><o:p></o:p></span></b></p>KBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14802588088329123042noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6633729990414646270.post-30613680939903047012021-02-21T19:27:00.002-08:002021-04-24T14:36:07.610-07:00I AM BACK<p><b><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: medium;">Without meaning to, I took a break from
writing. It has been quite a few years
since I last wrote about my son. It
started to feel like writing about my son wasn’t helping my inner peace as much
as I wanted it to. After I finished a
blog post, I was down and depressed.
That wasn’t supposed to happen. My
writing was meant to help me express my feelings, hopefully help others by sharing our story, and I wanted to be able to eventually show that a successful outcome
was possible. But we have had more ups and
downs than I could have even imagined in the last several years. Anger and addiction have not released their holds on our son and it has gotten really hard to even know how to deal with
everything that comes up, let alone share details about it. A few months ago, something awful happened
and it made me realize that I do really need to keep writing. I can’t keep all of this bottled up
inside. I wish I still wasn’t the mom
screaming inside, but here I go again.</span></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: medium;">May 2014.<br />
<br />
He had a broken arm, a new job, a place to stay, food, some computer time, and rides to work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He had everything a seventeen year
old could want.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And he wasn’t
happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He constantly berated me, swore
at me, called me names, and tried to pick fights.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I began to feel so bad about myself that I
felt desperate and emotional all the time. In most instances, my husband felt just like I did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In many ways, he was treated even worse than
I was.<br />
<br />
I told my friend, “I feel so bad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
says horrible things to me whenever he doesn’t get what he wants, tells me what
a bad parent I have been, and calls me terrible names.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know I am not supposed to let him get to me
and am not supposed to believe all of the things that he says about me, but
hearing it over and over gets inside my head and makes me feel like I am an awful person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When a blow up happens with him, he spins it around
to where everything is my fault, making sure that I know that I am the worst kind of person, and that he is the way he is--because of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just can’t stand it, anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I could disappear, I would.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hate being in the house with him and feel
like this constant negativity consumes about 80% of my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If it weren’t for my grandkids, my other two
children, my husband, and my friends, I would hate 100% of my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t take it anymore. I feel like I am
constantly being verbally abused by him and that the only thing I can do is
stay as far away from him as possible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What kind of life is that?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: medium;">It was pretty hard to take days like this:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: medium;">Everything started with him waking up and demanding
that I pay him to do chores because he needed some money.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He needed $32.00 immediately and wanted to do
the chores over time because he thought he wouldn't be able to do every job that it
would take to earn enough money in one day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No matter how
many times I told him that I would not give him chores to earn money, he would not
let it drop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of the rules that he
had been given to be allowed to live here was that he was not supposed to ask for money in
any way; for any reason.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pointed out
that it was a house rule and that I was not going to change it for him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He told me that as his mother, I should want
him to have money so that he could have fun over the weekend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: medium;">I reminded him that he already owed us a lot of
money and that giving him more would just add to his debt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had gotten his electric guitar out of the
pawn shop so that he wouldn’t lose it, but also weren’t going to let him have
it until he earned the money to pay us back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He said he was never going to pay us for
the guitar because we had ruined all of the hopes and dreams that he had as far
as his guitar was concerned (apparently, by not letting him have his electric
guitar back on the weekend that he had a chance to join a band with the greatest
drummer that he has ever seen).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></b><b><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><o:p><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: medium;">I said, “You are the one who moved out because you
couldn’t live by our rules.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You pawned
your guitar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You wanted to be able to
smoke pot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had nothing to do with
your hopes and dreams being destroyed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You did that all on your own and you can’t blame me for that.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
Of course, that made him mad and he said, “You would think my f***ing mom would
do something nice for her kid and give me some money!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hearing him use the f-bomb with the word ‘Mom’
made ME so angry!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was tired of hearing
it all the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I turned around and
said in my upset mom voice-- with the tone that he perceives as yelling-- “Don’t
call me your f***ing mom!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am your MOM,
but I am not an f***ing mom!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, he
exploded in the middle of my words and did not hear the part about my not
wanting him to use that horrible adjective in association with my name
anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He took my exclamation out of
proportion in his usual irrational way and said that I finally admitted after all of
these years that I am not his mom and he yelled “Thanks a lot you f***ing b****
and punched a hole in the wall. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></b><b><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><o:p><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: medium;">He wouldn’t listen when I told him that was not
what I meant and he knew it. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just
wanted him to STOP swearing at me and calling me names and f-bombing me. He was upset and began to yell at me
right in my face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tried to get
away from him and pushed him back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But,
as I pushed, he did a Tae Kwon Do downward thrust on my arms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His guitar string bracelet caused a long red
scratch on my arm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: medium;">I ran up the stairs to lock myself in my room,
but when I tried to close the door, he put his foot in it and then my door
broke. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course, he blamed me and told
me that it was my fault for slamming his foot in the door and he stormed back
down the stairs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tried to call my
husband.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He didn’t answer, so I called
my older son and told him I needed help.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He said he was coming, but I felt like I had to get away, so I grabbed
my keys and ran out to my truck and locked the doors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was out there in the driveway when my son
came charging out of the house yelling at me to just give him some money so
that he could leave.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cracked the
window a little bit and said, “No.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You called
me names, you hurt me, you punched a hole in the wall, and you broke my door.
There is no way I am giving you money, loaning you money, or letting you earn
money. Right now, you are out of control and you just need to go somewhere else
and calm down.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
He almost broke the window on my truck trying to shove his arm inside to unlock the door. When I tried to drive away, he screamed at me that I was trying
to break his arm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t like having
this all go on outside where the neighbors could witness it, but luckily my
older son arrived and got him away from my truck. <br />
<br />
I could hear him telling his little brother to just go away and leave me alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, he said, “All I wanted was for her to
give me some f***ing money!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If YOU asked
her for money, she would give it to you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She doesn’t even treat me like I am her child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am just a dog that she got at the
pound.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She would return me if she
could.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She would treat a dog better than
she treats me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is not my f***ing
mom.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He threw his phone at me and told
me that he didn’t want anything I had ever given him, again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> <br /><br />My older son is very good at keeping his cool and he just told his brother that what he was saying was a bunch of bull and he helped me get into the house. </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: medium;">He said, “Mom, we can’t just let him get
away with this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He damaged your house,
hurt you, and something has to make him stop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I am sorry that I have to do this, but I really feel like I have to call
the police.”</span></span></b></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: medium;">We wouldn't let my son come back in the house. It seemed like he was going to leave, but he walked away, came back, yelled, walked
away, came back, and yelled some more over and over again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Finally, he just stood on the porch pounding
on the door and screaming at us to give him back his phone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></b></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: medium;">
When the police arrived, they found him at the front door and they handcuffed
him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had to answer all of their
questions and I felt like I couldn’t remember what happened first, last, second,
or when and where.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
When he told his story to the police, he tried to blame me for freaking out
when he said that I was ruining his life and that I had told him I wasn’t his
mom and that all he was trying to do was get his phone so that he could
leave.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They lectured him about his
behavior and told him that he owed me an apology.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was given a ticket for criminal mischief
and they took him to youth services.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></b></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: medium;">Great. That was helpful. The Youth Service Center is not like juvenile detention.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As soon as the police drop a kid off there,
they immediately call you and tell you to come and pick him up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It doesn’t do anything but let a few hours
pass by so that people can calm down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
Sure enough, within about an hour, my husband and I received the phone call.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, we said that we would not come and get
him without speaking with a mediator first.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That gave us a few extra hours to have a little break from the drama while
they tracked down a social worker.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
He was so combative during the meeting that nothing really got resolved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He just blamed the whole incident on me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He said that if his f***ing ‘mom’ would have just
been nice enough to give him some money to take his girlfriend out to dinner for
her birthday, we wouldn’t be having this discussion right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> A few hours hadn't made a difference in his attitude. Nothing was going to change his way of thinking. </span>The social worker just gave up and we had to
leave with him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
As soon as we got back to our house, he grabbed his bike and rode off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Ink Free";"><span style="font-size: medium;">He did not come back that night.<br />
<br />
And that was okay. </span><o:p></o:p></span></b></p>KBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14802588088329123042noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6633729990414646270.post-66868372073510687592016-06-13T21:47:00.000-07:002016-06-13T22:17:34.030-07:00Broken Arm<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">By
everything left unspoken, our son continued to stay at our home and we found
ourselves constantly walking on egg shells around him--trying to avoid
conflict. It never seemed to work. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">One
morning, I was working in our office, when
he came to me and asked if he could have a ride to the skate park. I told him that I couldn’t take him anywhere
until I finished what I was working on. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">Then, the
barrage became relentless the entire time that I was trying to finish my work and get ready: “You have to hurry… You are making me late… Will you put my hair in a pony tail? It doesn’t look right. Look at all the hair that you didn’t get in
it. I look like a heroin addict today
because my hair looks so stupid… Well,
there is no way I can go to Applebee’s to apply for a job looking like this… Are you almost done? I was supposed to be there an hour and a half
ago… I can’t find my I.D. That is just great. Now what am I going to do without an
I.D?” (It was in the pocket of a pair of his pants).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">It was like being with a five year old who has no capacity for patience. And he was trying MY patience to the point
that I wondered if he was purposely goading me into starting a battle. I was biting my
tongue and holding my breath and doing everything I could to keep my cool even
though having him want to be in charge of my time schedule was driving me crazy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">I finally
was able to drop him off, but of course, in addition to all of the things that I
had done so far that day to ruin his life, I topped the morning off when I wouldn’t give him any money for
lunch. He got out and slammed the truck door shut without so much as a “see you
later.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">We hadn’t
heard from him all day and by that evening, I was more than happy to have some precious “away”
time with my husband. We went out to dinner and had just started to eat our meal when my husband’s
phone began to ring and we “missed” 20 phone calls from our son. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">When the phone kept ringing and ringing, it seemed
like we might as well just answer his call and find out what was so urgent, even though we would have liked to continue our dinner without the drama that
was possibly coming our way. As soon as
my husband said hello, our son colorfully said, “If you cared at all to answer
your f-ing phone when your son calls, then you would have found out half an hour
ago that I fell at the skate park and broke my f-ing arm. It is raining and it would be really nice if
my “parents” could tear themselves away from whatever they are doing to come
and get me.” When my husband tried to get a word in to ask if the arm was broken or just bruised, our son accused him of being "snippy" with him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">We hurried to finish our meal and then picked him up at a grocery store where he had gone to
get out of the tiny bit of rain that had started to come down. The grocery store happened to be right next
to an Insta-care, so I told him that I needed to look at his arm to determine
if we needed to stop in at that Insta-care to get an x-ray. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">He was so
mad at us for having the nerve to finish eating before we came to get him (even
though we DID skip dessert) that he wouldn’t let me look at his arm and refused
to see a doctor. He said, "If you could just be NICE parents and buy me a a Little Caesar’s pizza (since I haven't had anything to eat all day), then, you could just take me home and leave me the hell alone." </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">Wanting to avoid one more thing for him to get
upset about, we actually did stop to pick up a pizza. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">When he got what he wanted, instead of being a little bit grateful, he unleashed
his anger again about the events of the night as if it were our fault that he
had hurt his arm and as if he needed to prove that we were terrible parents for thinking
he was lying about breaking his arm and making him wait as long as we did
before we picked him up. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">It
wouldn’t have mattered if we had been five minutes away when he called, he
still would have found a reason to take everything out on us. Even though it was pointless to try to defend
ourselves, we told him that we came as soon as we could and that even though OUR meal been cut short, we had just willingly bought HIM a meal and that maybe
he should be thankful instead of angry. When he wouldn't drop it, we suggested that if didn’t want to show any appreciation for what we are
able to do for him, then maybe he should stop asking us to do things for
him. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">He agreed
that he would never ask us for anything.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">Again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">At home,
he didn’t seem to be in a lot of pain and wouldn't even take the Ibuprofen that I
set out for him. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">But, the
next morning, he knocked on my bedroom door and said that he thought he
probably DID need to go to the doctor.
He finally let me look at his elbow and it was really swollen and he
said it hurt really bad. He wanted to
know when I would be able to take him and I told him that I could be ready in about one
hour.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">He said that was okay and then as he turned to leave my room, he told me that I needed to tell his dad to get off the computer so that he
could use it while he waited. I said,
“YOU can go ask him if you can use the computer while you are waiting.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">He
replied, “He is a dick and will keep using it as long as possible just so that I can't.” This was as far from the
truth as it could get. If he had asked my husband to use the computer,
my husband would have gotten out of the office as soon as possible, just to avoid another fight.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">I started
laughing because it was so ludicrous that he would say that about my husband, fully expecting that it would make me do what he wanted me to do. He got angry and said, “What is so funny? I like jokes.
Please tell me what is so f-ing funny.”
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">I said,
“That you seriously think that if you call your dad a dick and say awful things
about him that I will go ask him to let you use the computer.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">I guess the only
thing that he could do with my explanation was get angrier. I was sitting there in my bed waiting for him
to get out of my room so that I could get dressed and ready to take him to the doctor and
he wouldn’t stop going on and on with his tirade about how badly I treated him. After all, he simply wanted to watch some shows on the internet while he ate breakfast
and I should have wanted to help him do that. </span><span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">I grabbed
my phone and began sending text after text to my husband to tell him to come
upstairs and rescue me (even though he should have been able to hear that there
was an angry exchange going on). But, his
phone was not with him in the office and he had no idea that I needed him. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">I finally told my son that we were finished talking and that he was more than capable
of asking his father for the use of the computer. If he felt that he couldn’t take care of that
himself, then he was out of luck. I even
suggested that if he needed entertainment while he ate that he might try to read something. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">He said, “I
can’t read while I eat, MOM! I am blind
and I have a broken arm. How am I
supposed to eat and hold a book right next to my face, MOM?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">I said,
“Look, I just offered an alternate entertainment solution to you. If you don’t like my suggestion, don’t do it. Quit getting upset about it. It
is stupid to keep this conversation going.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">Then, he turned
everything around and got mad at me for using the word "stupid". He said he wasn’t allowed
to tell US that what we are saying is stupid, so why should I be able to tell
him that what he was saying was stupid?
I replied that I hadn’t said that what he was saying was stupid, I said
that it was stupid to keep this conversation going. But, that if I did say that
something he was doing WAS stupid, I had every right to do that because I am
the parent and he is the kid.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">Then he
left my room, went into the bathroom, and supposedly called someone to ask them
to take him to the Insta-Care because wasn’t going anywhere with me after I
said he was stupid and called him a kid.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">At least,
without him standing there in my room, I was able to get out of bed, grab my robe, and go find
my husband. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">Of
course, that was a mistake. As soon as my son heard me talking to my husband about what he had somehow missed hearing, he charged into the office with us and the tirade started all over again. It felt like everything was spinning out of
control to the point that I didn’t know what we were even fighting about
anymore. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">How does
agreeing to take him to the doctor turn into a blow-up? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">We
weren’t even begging to take him to the doctor, but he made sure to tell us that now,
he wouldn’t go with us under any circumstances.
We told him that since he wasn’t 18 yet, the doctor would need our consent
for treatment. That made him even
angrier because we were calling him a "kid" again. He said he was just going to get out of our
lives because we were f-ing idiots and that he would just suffer with his
broken arm since we obviously didn’t care about it anyway.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">We
suggested one more time that he calm down enough to think about what he was
doing because he probably really needed to get his arm x-rayed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">By then, I had
taken all that I could take that morning and I went up to the bathroom and
turned on the fan so that I couldn’t hear anything going on downstairs. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">I could
tell that the arguing had picked up again, but I made myself stay
upstairs. It went on and on and I
wondered what else they were arguing about when suddenly, my husband was
outside the door asking me for the insurance card. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">While I
was getting the card out of my wallet, my husband seemed to be putting an end
to any more discussion by saying, “There are only three things that I want to
ask of you. Get a job. Don’t use drugs. And be nice.
Do those three things and there should be no more reason to have
blow-ups like the one this morning.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">Our son
replied, “Well, there are only two things I ask of you and you can’t manage to
do yours, so leave me the hell alone and don’t talk to me.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">I wonder
what the two things that we can't manage are? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">I guess
they are to leave him alone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">And don’t
talk to him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">Like it
would be that easy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
KBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14802588088329123042noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6633729990414646270.post-79945458807066652082016-02-23T20:47:00.001-08:002016-02-23T20:47:12.583-08:00He's Back!<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">The day
after Easter, he went to the skate park, but then called to see if he could
stay at home again that night. I asked
him if he really had a place to stay or not, but he just lied and said that he
hadn’t been able to get in touch with Alex, so he didn’t want to walk all the
way to his house if he wasn’t back yet.
I thought he had probably done something to lose the opportunity to stay
there, but he wasn’t admitting anything.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">After a
few days of this, I felt like we were being used and manipulated again and
thought we should tell him that our house didn’t have a revolving door and that
he either lived here and obeyed ALL of the rules or he didn’t. He wasn't going to be allowed to just keep coming and going at his pleasure.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">He responded
with the statement that he was “thinking about coming back home.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">I asked
him why he wasn’t staying at Alex’s anymore and he answered that he could still
stay there if he wanted to, but that Alex’s parents were alcoholics and that it
was not a good environment for him to be in if he was going to stay clean. I think he knew that if he put it that way we
would be more likely to give him another chance. It sounded like a very responsible thing for
him to say. Later he told me that they didn't like how he kept coming and going and told him that he couldn't stay there anymore. I felt that they probably expected him to start paying rent or contributing to the household in some way, but he wasn't doing that, so he was asked to leave.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">Letting him move back in scared me to death. I
was very worried about how we would be able to get along with each other. I didn't want to live in a house full of daily arguing and contention.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">We told him that he could stay here but that we would have to go over the house rules in detail again. My husband took care of this because
I just didn’t feel like I could handle any more battles. He made sure to point out that our son was not allowed to
stay in the house alone and that if we went to the store, or an appointment, or
even out of town for the weekend, he had to find somewhere else to go because
he wasn’t going to be given a key to the house.
He told him that he had to be nice to us, that he couldn’t just sit
around playing computer games all day, that I wasn’t going to be his taxi
service, that we weren’t going to give him money, that he had to go to AA
meetings, and that he had to find a job. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">All of that went
over really well with him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">He kept
interrupting my husband, which would cause my husband to feel that he needed to
repeat himself to make sure that he had been heard. Our son started yelling at him for saying the
same thing over and over again. My
husband told him he was just trying to make sure that he was understood and it
kept going back and forth like that until my husband told him that if he didn’t
like listening to the rules, he didn’t have to live here. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">My son
came upstairs and yelled through the bedroom door telling me what a dick his
dad was and wanted me to come out and drive him somewhere because it was
obvious he wasn’t going to be able to stay here. I did not comply and eventually, I heard him downstairs
arguing with my husband again. I felt that I should just stay out of it
because sometimes when I get involved, things escalate. My son kept coming upstairs, demanding that I come out and listen to him, but then wouldn’t get
what he wanted from me, and would go back downstairs and start arguing with my husband all over
again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">Finally, through
the door, I contributed, “If you are going to live here you have got to be willing to listen to us. You have got to stop arguing. If you don’t get what
you want, or hear the answer that you want, or have a hard time getting
something to work out the way you want it to—you can’t freak out! You just have to accept things the way they
are and leave it at that. You can’t
berate us on and on because you aren’t getting your way. You have to accept the rules and be happy
that you can stay here.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">Then, he
reverted to, “Well, if you would only do this…….then I wouldn’t have to do
that…….” It always comes down to that. I have to conform to his expectations and if I don't, it gives him permission to act like a jerk. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">His parting shot was that he was not going to ask me for anything ever again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">Famous
last words.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">I wanted
to make him leave that night because we shouldn’t have to go through this every
single day when all we were trying to do was give him a place to stay. Letting him live here didn't mean that we had to give him total control over us and our home.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">We felt
like we were “damned if we do and damned if we don’t.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">We let
him stay at our house and then he freaks out over everything.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">We don’t
let him stay at our house and then he freaks out over everything.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">So, why did
we let him stay when it seemed like we were just in another no-win
situation? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">Because that night it was raining.
No matter how awful he was acting, we couldn’t send him out into the
rain with nowhere to go. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">Even though it was tempting.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">Saved by
the rain.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
KBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14802588088329123042noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6633729990414646270.post-67218788077029750922016-02-23T17:10:00.000-08:002016-02-23T17:10:33.914-08:00Easter<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">My
husband went out of town for a couple of days before Easter. We agreed that while he was gone, we would
act like we were both out of town so that I would not have to deal with any of our son's drama while he was gone.
I hoped to have some nice, peaceful alone time. I planned to screen all my calls and just not
answer if my son called me. I felt that
I deserved a break, especially since my husband was getting one. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">But,
early the next afternoon, the telephone calls started. I didn’t answer. Later that evening, I heard from my
husband. He had been out of cell phone
range all day and when he finally had a signal again, he found many missed
calls from our son. Then, he called our
son back. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">He told
my husband that he wanted to know if we were able to go out to dinner for Easter
with him. And then, for some unknown
reason, my husband told him that HE was still out of town and wouldn’t be home
for at least 4 or 5 hours and that he might be able to get me to go out to
dinner with him, if he texted me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">I had no
idea what happened to the plan to let me have some peace and quiet that day and felt that I was being put in the position of having no choice but to
go out to dinner with our son. If I
didn’t he would have said, “You never want to do anything with me and all I
wanted to do was celebrate Easter with you.”
So, I picked him up at his park, and we went to one of the restaurants
that he likes because they serve huge portions of food. He ate like he was
starving to death. He actually seemed to
be trying very hard to be pleasant. I
tried really hard, too even though I was on edge during the entire meal. I never knew what I would say that would
potentially set him off. I gave him the Easter gifts that I had gotten for him. He seemed happy to receive them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">But, I still wondered if he there was an alternate agenda to this little Easter dinner together.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">As we left the restaurant, I asked him where he wanted me to drop him off, and he replied, “I was
kind of wondering if I could spend Easter at your house. Alex’s family is having their own Easter
celebration and I don’t want to intrude on it.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">I knew
there was an agenda.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">I should
have been happy to have my child back at home for the holiday. Holidays can be lonely when all of your kids
are gone, right? I was not particularly
optimistic about how happy this holiday was going to be, now. After all, we didn't have a really great track record with happiness lately. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">He was nice to my husband when he got home that night and told him that he had a good dinner with me. Things were going fairly well. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">On
Easter, as we were driving back home after visiting our grandsons so that they
could show us what the Easter Bunny brought to them, our son wanted us to stop
at a Carl’s Jr. to buy him lunch.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">But, I
didn’t want to do that.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;"> I had just bought dinner for him the night before. There was a </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">big ham in
the refrigerator just waiting to become our Easter dinner.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">Ham was one of his favorite foods, so I
thought he should have been excited about having that to eat.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;"> However, </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">I
didn’t know that he had already made himself a midnight snack out of the ham
the night before and he didn’t think he should have to eat it twice in a row, especially since we were driving right past Carl’s Jr. and how hard
could it be for us to stop and buy him some food?</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">When we
said that we had plenty of food at home and that he was more than welcome to
eat anything that he wanted when we got there, he got angry and complained that because we were so cheap, he was going to have to walk all the way to the skate park to
bum a couple of dollars off someone, then walk all the way back to Carl’s Jr. to
buy himself some lunch, and then walk all the way back to the skate park
again. He wouldn’t let it drop and kept
trying to make a big issue out of it. He probably thought that the more he argued, the more likely he would be to get what he wanted since it would have been easier to just buy him the food than have this become a big deal. But, we didn't make that decision and the demands didn't stop. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">The Easter blow-up came to a head when I finally yelled at him to just shut up about
it. I said, “You can either eat our food
or not, but I don’t want to hear anything else about Carl’s Jr.! We are not going to buy you lunch today!” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">Then, he told me what I was just in case I had forgotten (calling me one of his favorite names for me). </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">When we
got home, I went upstairs to my room and thought that it would be better to sit
up there all day than to be around my son.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">I
listened to the sounds downstairs and heard him cooking food in the kitchen and
heard him go into the family room to watch TV with my husband. I guess he decided that ham twice in a row was better than nothing and better than a 10 mile walk. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">I didn’t understand why he couldn’t be courteous and pleasant and even try to
show his appreciation for us letting him stay at our house instead of being demanding, rude,
and disrespectful. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">The tension in the house was high every time I ventured downstairs.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">So, I spent most of the day in my room, out </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">of
the line of fire.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">Having a
happy Easter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
KBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14802588088329123042noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6633729990414646270.post-51617995829300463292016-02-23T15:52:00.000-08:002016-02-23T15:52:45.258-08:00Next<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">Every time we encountered him in the next few weeks, we wondered why we kept trying to help him him. He was never appreciative of it. I guess it is just that no matter what has happened in the past, when
your child acts like they need your help, you hope that you are doing the right
thing and you hope that this time it will all work out.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Kristen ITC;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">One day I
picked him up at the park and took him to the orthodontist. I was afraid to take him alone, so my sister came along. She was astonished at the way he spoke to
me, at his attitude, and at his manipulative tactics. Even with her there, he was rude and abusive. But, to me, it was so mild compared to his
usual behavior that I was a little bit amused by the whole thing. Apparently, I just need a chaperone every </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">time he is around me. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">My
husband and I took him to meet with his Probation Officer concerning the “possession
of drug paraphernalia in a park" charges. The Probation Officer was very upset to see him
again. He told him that he was lucky he
was still a juvenile and hoped that he got this all cleared up before he turned
18, or his parents might be visiting him in a few months between glass
partitions. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">Our son didn't feel that he should be in this trouble again and informed
the P/O that it was stupid that pot was illegal and the only reason he
wasn’t still using it every day was because he thought he was going to be drug tested. The P/O stated that marijuana
was still illegal in the United States, period—no matter what some of the other
states were doing and that just because you think something shouldn’t be
illegal, doesn’t give you the right to break the law anyway. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">After we left the courthouse, he ranted for 10 minutes and we couldn't say anything right. So, when we dropped him off, he left
all of the information about getting his GED and going to counseling in my
truck. Apparently, he wasn’t going to take the P/O’s advice about getting
started on that so that he would look like he was trying get his life on track
when he appeared before the judge a few weeks later. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">Two weeks
went by without any interactions and then suddenly, there he was on our
doorstep with his two backpacks, begging to be able to spend the night at our
house. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">I immediately wanted to say, "No, absolutely not. The last time you stayed here we had a big blow-up and I am sick and tired of that happening every single time we are around you." <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">I felt like I was between a
rock and hard place. A huge feeling of dread came over me because if he was actually here asking to stay then he really must need a place. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">But, I didn't want him to be there that night. I told him that it wasn’t a good time for him to stay because it was my last night
babysitting my grandson before his parents picked him up on their way back from their vacation in Hawaii. He would be going home to Kansas City with them and I wanted to make every minute that I had with him as special as I could. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">Of
course, I was promised that everything would be just fine and that it would
really help him out to be able to use our computer to apply for some jobs and
to check out the online GED program. He
also said he would like to spend time with his nephew and see his sister the
next day. I knew he was just feeding me a line, but how
could I turn him away? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">Then, the
next morning, he broke his promise. Right
in front of my little grandson, he lost control because his I-Pod was not
working. He was swearing and speaking in
a way that was very inappropriate and he wouldn’t
stop. He kept insisting that I tell him
how to fix the I-Pod even though I didn’t know anything about what was wrong it. I said, “This is exactly why I was reluctant
to let you be around me and your nephew.
I can’t have you talking like this around him. You have to stop this now.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">He
replied, “If you weren’t acting like such a b****, I would stop. All I want from you is to tell me what I am
supposed to do if my I-Pod doesn’t start working because I need my I-Pod and I
need to get it fixed right now! If you
hadn’t gotten me such a piece of sh** I-Pod, it probably would be working right
now. You should have to get me one that actually works!” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">This
irrational line of thinking didn’t seem to have an ending point and since we
were driving to the airport at the time, I pulled over and told him to either
get out or be quiet for the rest of the drive and that he had 30 seconds to
decide what he was going to do. He refused
to get out, but said, “Fine, I won’t talk to you anymore. You never help me or, do anything for me anyway.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">My poor
grandson was so quiet in the back seat that I knew he must have been bewildered
by the scene that he had been witnessing.
I am sure he had never seen anything like that in his 2 years of
life. I was so upset about my son choosing to play this game in front of this sweet little boy, that by the time we got to the airport I wanted to scream. For the remainder of the drive, I began to sing songs to my grandson to distract him from thinking about what had just happened. He seemed amused by it and my son, who could not listen to his I-Pod to drown me out, was pretty annoyed by it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">Needless to say, he took off when we got back to the house without using the computer or spending time with his sister. He also neglected to take most of his things with him. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">We didn’t
see or hear from him again for a few more days.
Then, he called my husband and was very angry that I supposedly hadn’t
answered my phone all day and he really needed me to bring him the backpack
that he had left at our house because he needed his deodorant, clothes, and food. I hadn’t
heard a word from him for days and suddenly he was mad at me for denying him access
to his deodorant. </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">Sometimes
I just had to laugh at the things he chose to complain about.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">It is just incredible that he feels that he has the right to appear and disappear at his leisure and expected me to meet his needs at a moment’s notice, even
when I had no idea that he wanted anything.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">My
husband drove him to our home so that he could get his backpack. As
soon as he walked in the door he just made himself at home, took a shower, and even made
some macaroni and cheese as if he were staying for awhile. But, right after he ate, he repacked his two
backpacks and walked out the door without even saying a word. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">No matter
how many times I have had this experience, it is heartbreaking for me to watch
him walk up the street with backpacks stuffed full of possessions on his back,
not knowing where he was going. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">Not knowing when I would see him again.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">Or if he
was going to be all right. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
KBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14802588088329123042noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6633729990414646270.post-84714724279359740022016-01-21T21:01:00.000-08:002016-01-21T22:47:00.851-08:00Incidents of Insanity<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;">Day
number three (after the suicide threat incident) did not get any better.</span><span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
first thing he did when he got up late that morning was demand to use the computer. We were holding fast to the rule that he couldn’t
use the computer unless he was not smoking pot or using anything else. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #4f6228; font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> “I want to play
Starcraft.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“You
can’t play StarCraft until you can produce a clean drug test.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #4f6228; font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> “Drug test me, then.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
drug test showed an error. I usually don’t
flush the urine until after I do the test (just in case I need it), but this
time I did. He refused to give me another
urine sample and insisted that he was going to play StarCraft no matter what I
said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #4f6228; font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> “This is B.S. I did my part. It is not my fault that you screwed up the
test.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">So
I locked the door to the office and he yelled at me and swore at me as if that
would make me change my mind. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Since
he couldn’t use the computer, he decided to play his acoustic guitar. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #4f6228; font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> “Where are the guitar pics
that I left on the table?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“I
don’t know.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #4f6228; font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> “Well, I didn’t move
them. You need to remember where you put
them and find them for me.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“There
are two people in the house that don’t know where your guitar pics are and only
one of us going to look for them. And it
isn’t me.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Of
course that didn’t go over very well with him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">While
being subjected to another one of his rants, I just wanted to go to my room,
lock the door, climb into bed, and hide from this insanity.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">But,
of course I couldn’t do that. He would
have just yelled at me through the door, or punched holes in the walls or door,
or threatened to damage something just to get me to give in and do whatever he
wanted me to do. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
next thing I knew, I was being informed that his friend called and told him
that the pawn shop payment of $14.00 for his pawned electric guitar was due
that day and if he didn’t pay it, the guitar would be put up for sale. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">He
wanted me to give him $14.00 right then and there to give to his friend.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">As
if anything that had gone on that day so far would
have made me gladly or willingly give him money. I
said, “I won’t give you $14.00. But, I
will go with you to the pawn shop. I'll pay to get the guitar back. Then, I
will bring it home, lock it in my room, and keep it until YOU PAY ME BACK the amount
of money that I give to the pawn shop. That
way, you won’t lose your guitar if you miss a payment.” <br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Instead
of being glad that I was willing to do that for him, he freaked out because I
wouldn’t give him $14.00. He went right
back to his position that I don’t trust him enough to give him money. Once again, I was yelled at, berated, and f-bombed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">This
was just pure insanity. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
sent my husband a text message and asked him to call our son to see if he could
reason with him about this because I honestly felt that I just couldn’t take it
anymore. But my husband couldn’t break
through the crazy wall that our son had set up for himself on this issue either. I heard my son say, "There is no
way that I will let you pay off my loan. You'll have my guitar and then you will be sure to find some reason not to give it back to me, even if earn
enough money to pay you back and there is no way in hell that I am going to take that chance. I would rather have the chance of never getting it back from the pawn shop than trust you to give it back to me." Then, he hung up on his dad and
threw his phone at me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">His
Dad kept trying to call him back, but of course he couldn’t answer because I
had his phone. I sent a text message to
my husband to tell him what had happened and he started trying to call me, but
I couldn’t answer because my son was in my face demanding to have an adult
conversation with me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">My son had the nerve to say that <b>I needed calm down</b> and change my tone while we talked. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Seriously? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">He just threw his cell phone at me and I
was the one who was being told to calm down? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I said, “Sorry, but that ship has sailed.
The agitated tone of my voice is the tone you are going to hear based on
the last three arguments of the day. I
am so upset and so sick of you treating me the way that you do that there is no
way I am not going to sound irritated.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">His
response to that was to call me a f-ing c*** again. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">At
that point, the only thing that I wanted was to have him out of the house and
as far away from me as possible. I said,
“You need to get out of here right now and I don’t want you to come back
until your dad gets home.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">He decided that meant that I was kicking him out and resumed yelling and f-bombing me. He told me that I was a hypocrite for kicking
him out because he knew that I would call the cops on him as soon as he left
telling them that he ran away even though I was the one who kicked him out. He wouldn’t listen when I told him that I wasn’t
kicking him out, he just absolutely had to leave the house for the rest of the day. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">He
started packing his backpack and said he was leaving forever and I would never
see him again. But, he wouldn’t shut his
mouth the whole time that he was packing, so I locked myself in the
office to try to get away from the abuse. When I heard the front door
slam, I looked out the window and saw him walking up the street with his
backpack stuffed as full as he could get it.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I felt as if I had just been beaten down. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
was so tired and hurt by all of it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">You
would think that after being homeless, he would have been as happy as could be
to be able to have a place to stay again and would have tried a lot harder to
get along with me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">But
instead he seemed to feel exactly the opposite and just wanted to fight me
about everything. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">For the next few days every time my phone rang, or I heard a text
alert, left the house, or came back home, I experienced a feeling of terror
that it was going to be my son on the phone or that he would be waiting outside
the house for me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">It’s
not fair to be afraid of your own child.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "kristen itc"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Not
fair at all.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
KBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14802588088329123042noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6633729990414646270.post-42085074731129019592015-07-16T22:13:00.000-07:002015-07-16T22:13:10.242-07:00Suicide<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">About
one week after we had last seen or heard from our son, while at a birthday
party for my husband’s 90+ year old grandmother, my cell phone rang. When I saw who it was, I immediately took the
phone to my husband because I was in the middle of organizing the party food
and didn’t know what I would be getting into if I answered it.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">My
husband took the call outside and was gone for a long time. I had
no idea what was going on and didn't find out until later that our son was in one of his
end-of-the-world states of mind. He
complained that his life was terrible, that he was tired of living in a park,
tired of being hungry, tired of not having anyone who cared about him, and
tired of everything going wrong for him because of us. My husband told him that we loved and cared
about him and wished things could be different so that he could live at home, but,
he didn’t know what else he could do or say to help. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">Then
our son dropped the bomb that he was just calling because he wanted us to know
that he was going to buy a bag of dope and kill himself.</span></span><span style="color: #660000; font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">My
husband tried to reason with him, talk sense into him, give him some hope, and did everything he could think of to reassure him that we would always love him. He re-affirmed
that we would gladly welcome him home as long as he would promise to be nice,
stop smoking pot, and take responsibility for himself.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">Apparently,
he wasn't hearing what he wanted to hear, so he hung up.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">My
husband didn’t know what else to do or say.
Could this have been a real suicide threat, or was it just another form
of manipulation? And, if it was
manipulation, what did our son really expect to gain from it? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">The
party was winding down when my phone rang again. I answered it this time and my son said,
“This might be the last time you talk to me and I just thought you should know
that in case you wanted to change your mind.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">I asked, “Change my mind about what?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">He
said, “I guess you need to speak with your husband and he will tell you why you are
never going to hear from me again.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">I
asked my husband what that meant and he whispered to me that our son was
threatening to kill himself because he was tired of having nowhere to live but a park. I asked what I was supposed to change my mind
about and my husband said that he had no idea what our son wanted from us because everything he had put out there so far had been rejected.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">We
spent the rest of the time we were at the party wondering what we were supposed to do now.
He hadn’t really threatened suicide like this before, but we also knew
that most of the time people who are going to commit suicide don’t keep calling
their parents threatening to do it. However, if anyone was not going to follow the rules of statistics, it would be our son. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">Neither
one of us felt that we should give in and change OUR rules and expectations. If we were to let him come home to lessen the chances of suicide, we had the feeling that it wouldn't take long for him to get angry and freak out when everything
didn’t go his way, especially when we didn’t do exactly what HE wanted US to do. It was a cycle we were quite familiar with and didn't really want to jump back into.</span></span><span style="color: #660000; font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">As
I cleaned up after the party, I found that there was an entire pepperoni pizza
left over and thought I would see if he wanted us to bring it to him. At least it could help to alleviate the
hunger factor for the night. We hoped
that it might help his attitude in some way.
<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">We
weren’t sure if that was the right thing to do or not. This was a new situation for us and we got the feeling that our son was expecting us to say, “Oh, please don’t kill yourself. Come home and eat and sleep and have your way
and do whatever you want to do.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">Instead, we took him a pizza.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">We
are awesome parents.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">He
grabbed the pizza from us and told us that it was stupid that we would bring
him something to eat but didn’t care enough about him to even let him sleep in
our backyard and couldn’t accept him for who he was. He walked away with the parting shot that he was
not going to sleep in the park for one more f-ing night and was going to f-ing end it
all and we wouldn’t ever see him again. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">We
were pretty worried, but drove home and wondered what was going to happen next.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">Of
course, within about ten minutes, the phone rang again.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">He
informed us that he was coming to our house with someone so that he could get
his TV and anything else that he could trade for the bag of dope that he needed
to kill himself that night. He said that
we HAD to let him come in and get his things and that if we didn’t, we would be
sorry. He stated that he would break into our house if he had to because he was going to do whatever it took, including beating the crap
out of my husband, to get the money he needed to
buy some dope.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">He
did not come to our house and we didn’t hear anything else from him. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">The
silence was just as worrisome as the constant calling.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">It might seem like we didn’t handle this situation correctly. But, honestly, no one can understand what it
felt like that night. We didn’t know
what to do. We didn’t know what to
say. We plead, we expressed our love, we attempted to reach an understanding, and we tried to reason with him. Nothing made a difference.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">This
could have been a bi-polar episode, or it could just have been a grander scale of his usual
disconnected thinking. But, what if he was serious and what would we do if he carried out his suicide threat and all we did to stop him was take him a pizza?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">It seemed like there was only one thing left to try. We hoped that we were doing something that would help our son get the the help that he obviously needed. We called the police dispatcher’s number and
told them that our son was threatening suicide and explained that he hadn’t
been living at home because he didn’t like living under our rules. We didn’t know what this phone call would
accomplish, but hoped something would come out of it that would save our son
that night.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">After
the officer found him, we received a call back from the dispatcher telling us
that we needed to go to the park. When
we got there, the officer said that WE had to take our son the emergency room for a psych
evaluation based on the suicide threats.
We had anticipated a trip to the hospital, but we didn’t think we would
have to drive him there ourselves. We were positive that was not a good idea, but the officer said that he didn’t have
permission to leave his jurisdiction.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">However,
upon being informed that he was being taken to the hospital, my son became very
agitated and started yelling at and f-bombing everyone-- including the police
officer. His outburst quickly landed
him in handcuffs and earned him a ride to the hospital in the officer’s K-9
truck.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">The officer found a marijuana pipe in our son's pocket when he searched him. That gave him one more thing to blame us for—being given a ticket for possessing drug paraphernalia in a park.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">In
my opinion, the positive aspect about being cited for drug paraphernalia again
was that he would soon have to appear before a judge and would be ordered to
stop using marijuana. The bad thing was
that he might get a stronger sentence since it was his second drug
paraphernalia offense.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">I
thought it would be a relief to have him at the hospital in the care of
professionals. I hoped that someone
would realize that our son needed mental health help. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">But,
once he arrived at the hospital, our son began to “play the game.” He b.s.’d his way through all of the
questioning, evaluating, and examining.
He claimed that he wasn’t suicidal and that he had just been joking. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">The
nurse, doctor, and social worker talked to us, heard our version of what had
taken place all afternoon and evening and then concluded that our son was not a danger to
himself or anyone else and informed us that they intended to release him. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">We
weren’t even at the hospital for very long. It seemed that no one was interested in doing anything for us or our son. We even begged them to hold him for 24
hours (which in some states is mandatory when someone threatens suicide) and
re-evaluate him after that to determine whether he would benefit from psychiatric intervention. But we were told that there was no basis for it. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">Not
only that, but the social worker actually came out to the waiting room and told
us that because our son was still 17 years old, according to DCFS, we were
required to take him home and if we didn’t, we could be charged with child
endangerment. We explained the
situation and what led up to our son losing the privilege of staying in our
home and he said, “I suggest that you ride it out for four months until he
turns 18, but I guess it is your choice.”
<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">And
that was it. Once again, it seemed as if mental health help was completely unavailable and we were on our own. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #660000; font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;">We
didn’t want to take him home, but it sure felt as if we weren’t being given a
choice in the matter.</span><span style="color: #660000; font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;"> </span><span style="color: #660000; font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;">We were quite
upset and a little afraid.</span><span style="color: #660000; font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;"> </span><span style="color: #660000; font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">Our
son and daughter-in-law met us at our house to provide some support. They
talked to their brother, tried to instill in him some feelings of love and hope
and asked him to try to become the person that they knew he could be: for
himself and for his family—especially the nephews who loved and admired him
without reservation. They all cried and
hugged and it was comforting to see.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">I
wished they could have stayed longer because as soon as they left he turned off
the humble, broken-hearted act and immediately informed us that he didn’t want
to be in our home and was only there because we had called the cops on him
AGAIN. He told us that he was going to
do whatever he wanted to do and that we couldn’t do anything about it because
he knew that we had been told that we were required to let him stay until he
turned 18. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">We
reiterated the house rules, specifically that he couldn’t smoke pot, couldn’t
have pot on our property, and couldn’t come home smelling like pot or
cigarettes and that if he didn’t want to live by those rules, we would kick him
out and take our chances with DCFS and the police.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">He
said, “Don’t worry about it. All I am
going to do is eat and sleep here and YOU don’t ever have to talk to me again.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">We
gave up even trying to make a point and just said, “You can sleep on the couch
and get yourself something to eat, if you want.” We locked all of the doors that
prevent him from going into the office, the basement, and the garage, then went
upstairs and locked ourselves in our bedroom.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">The
next morning, I must have looked at him in the wrong way because he started
right in on me and told me that I was a lying sack of sh**, that he hated me
for calling the police on him, and that he wished he could have killed himself
last night because he would rather be dead than live here. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">I
wanted to say, “Good morning to you, too,” but I didn’t. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #660000; font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;">Luckily,
after his morning rant, he walked out the door without saying anything
else.</span><span style="color: #660000; font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;"> </span><span style="color: #660000; font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;">He didn’t take any of his
belongings with him and I had no idea where he went or if he was coming back.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">Later
in the afternoon, he sent me a picture of himself with his hair in a pony tail
and said, “Look what I can do now!” (which I guessed meant that he was able to
put his hair in a pony tail by himself). Then he texted me and asked me what
time his curfew was!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">I thought, "If this isn’t a good example of one of his rapid-cycling bi-polar
episodes, then I don’t know what is." All
of a sudden he was super happy and acting like life and everything between us was just peachy. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">I
did not respond to his message since just a few hours prior to that, I had been
told to never talk to him again and called several not-so-nice things.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">When
he got home that night, he was exuberant and jabbered on and on about how he had gone to Sonic to
talk to the manager about getting a job there, and asked if I liked the picture
that he sent to me, and wanted to know how my day was, etc. My husband had never really witnessed one of his manic moods and he was amazed at the 180 degree change from the previous
day. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">The
problem with this manic frame of mind, where our son acts like nothing is wrong, acts
like nothing ever happened, and acts like life is just happy, happy, happy, is
that it doesn’t last long and is usually followed by a crash.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">Then
the whole “life sucks, you suck, I hate you and everything about you” cycle
begins again.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">It
began on day number two of “riding it out for four more months.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">He
wanted me to give him $5.00 to buy a pizza.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">I
did not give it to him.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">I
was yelled at, sworn at, and berated because I didn’t “trust” him enough to
give him money. He claimed that it was
my fault that he didn’t get to eat his pizza on Sunday night because I called
the f-ing cops on him. Now, all he
wanted was five bucks for an f-ing pizza and I was being a b**** for not giving
it to him. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">He
said that as soon as he had his court date, he was going to move out again
because it sure wasn’t worth it to live here, trying to do what he was supposed
to do when his own mother wouldn’t f-ing trust him not to buy drugs with five
stupid dollars.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #660000; font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;">I knew the happy act wouldn't last. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #660000; font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #660000; font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;">It
had been two days and life was already starting to feel like a living hell.</span><span style="color: #660000; font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">Again.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
KBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14802588088329123042noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6633729990414646270.post-12189164324198341172015-06-03T09:49:00.001-07:002015-06-03T22:27:50.050-07:00Moving to Colorado<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">One
night at 2:30 a.m., my son called and asked if he could sleep on our couch because the place he was
going to stay that night did not work out. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Part
of me wanted to tell him, “good luck,” but, another part didn’t want anything to happen to him out on the streets in the
middle of the night. I was afraid that no
matter what I did, I was going to make the wrong choice.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
reluctantly went to go get him but let him know that he had to leave the house
by 11:00 a.m. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
next morning, I woke him up at 10:00 a.m. and suggested that he go take a
shower and get some breakfast so that he would be ready to leave by 11:00. He would not get up. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
was so exasperated. After getting up at 2:30 in the morning to go pick him up and bring him back to our house, he paid me back by refusing to wake up. I didn’t know what I was going to do. The more I tried to get him up, the more stubborn he became. Eventually, he got up, but it was already 11:20, so I left the house 30 minutes later than I had planned. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
told him that now he would have to walk wherever he was going because I did not
have time to drop him off anywhere. He
got so angry at me and said, “You mean you can’t f-ing drive two more minutes out
of your way?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Not,
“Okay, mom. I really appreciate your
picking me up in the middle of the night and letting me stay here. I know I should have gotten up sooner and
that now you are late for your appointment.
Don’t worry about it, I can walk.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Instead,
I got yelled at as a thank-you for my mid-night generosity. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I had no idea what I had set my husband and I up for when I let him spend the night, but that morning was certainly an indication of what was coming. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
next night, he called at 9:00 p.m. and asked if he could just spend one more
night here because Spence had gone out of town and he couldn’t stay at his house without him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We
said we would call him back after we had a chance to discuss it. It seemed probable that there was more to the
story than he was telling us and we didn't know if we should let him stay without knowing the truth about what was going on. </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">When
we didn’t immediately agree, he let us know that if it weren't for our attitudes, he wouldn't have had to move out in the first place and wouldn't be in the position he was in now. My husband pointed
out that we didn’t make him give up his home two months ago, he made that choice all on his own. Of course that made him mad and he swore and
hung up on us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Unfortunately, he
is unrelenting when he wants or needs something, so he called back a few
minutes later and tried another manipulation tactic. He said that he was going to move to Colorado with a friend since he had nowhere
to live anymore. At this point, I think he fully expected us to give in and beg him to come home, on his terms, rather than move out of state. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
recommended that he not move to Colorado on the spur of the moment at 9:30 at
night, but wished him luck if that was what he wanted to do. He sarcastically shot back with, “Well, we
aren’t going tonight, I still want you to let me crash on your couch, again.” I told him that we hadn’t had a chance to
decide yet and would call him back in five minutes. He said that we had 2 ½ minutes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">He
sure wasn’t making us want to roll out the red carpet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">But,
we were just gluttons for punishment and stupidly thought that at least if we let him
stay, we would know he was safe for the night, and that maybe this time he would appreciate it, and it would influence him to reconsider the idea of moving to Colorado. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We called him back and said that he could spend one night on the couch under
the conditions that he had to take a shower before he could even sit on the
couch, that he had to wash and dry his smelly--dirty clothes, and that he had to make sure that he spent the next day finding another place to stay.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">He rudely shot back with, “Well, I will be in Colorado by tomorrow night, so you will be
rid of me just like you have always wanted.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I should have added the condition of being nice to us, because he certainly was making sure that we were going to have to walk on eggshells all night in order not to set him off. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">He was
at our mercy while we drove him home though, so at the risk of having him jump down our throats, we asked him why
he had nowhere to stay anymore and wondered if he got kicked out of Spence’s
house. He said that it wasn’t any of our
business. We said, "We think we have the right to know, since we are bringing you back home." He finally admitted that everyone got kicked out because Spence was going to have to
go to D.T.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">My
husband suggested that if he couldn’t stay at Spence's anymore, then he should spend some
time that night thinking a lot about his future and what he was going to do
because the last two months hadn't really gotten him anywhere. Of course, his reaction to that was to swear at us, tell us that we didn’t need to worry about him anymore because he could take
care of himself, and that we should just shut the hell up because we didn’t know
what we were talking about. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We
were driving him to our HOME, were going to let him eat our food, wash his
clothes, take a shower, and sleep on our couch and this was the attitude that
he gave us. I honestly wanted to just
pull over and make him get out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">But,
of course, we didn’t--because of the whole glutton for punishment parental
thing that we had going on that night. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I was so tired the next morning. I had woken
up almost every hour during the night, feeling nervous and wondering why I was awake, only to remember that my son was sleeping on my couch downstairs. Then, I would try to fall back asleep while thinking, “What are we
going to do?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">He didn’t seem
to be in a very big hurry to leave the next morning and was acting as if being
at home was as normal as ever. He was just hanging out, finishing his laundry, and even being fairly nice. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The calm atmosphere led us to dare to approach him with a proposition that might make his life a little easier. We said, “Look, you don’t have anywhere to live right now and just in case you don't really want to move to
Colorado, we thought that if you can agree to follow the rules of the house, you could stay here for awhile.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We gave him detailed list of rules so that
there could be no misunderstanding about what we expected. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">No using
marijuana or anything like it (spice, etc). No using any drugs of any kind. No
drinking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">No smoking
cigarettes or anything like it (e-cigs). All of the above paragraph means that
you can't do it at our house or anywhere in the world.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">Random drug
testing, more often than ever, will take place. Positive tests, or even you
smelling like pot means that YOU JUST CHOSE to move out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">Curfew is
10:00 and 11:30 on weekends. If you don't come home by that time, the door will
be locked. You don't get to have a house key.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">You will get a
job. You will start paying for your own things like clothes and extracurricular
activities.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">You will clean
up after yourself. The room you reside in will NOT be messy-according to my
standards of messiness. You will not eat food in the room you reside in. You
will take care of yourself, teeth, and eyes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">You will treat
us with respect and you will not swear at us. You will tell us the truth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">If you choose
not to follow the rules EXACTLY, you will be choosing to move out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">He
started reading them and before he got very far, he tossed them aside and said,
“F-you!” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Even though that was the reaction we should have expected, it was not </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">exactly the reaction we hoped for. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">I handed the sheet of paper back to him and told him to keep reading because he
might really want to consider that given his lack of options at this point, this might be the best opportunity for him. </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">He told me to just stop talking and began to cram the clean clothes back into his bags, all the while calling me a “c***” and a
bitch and everything else he could come up with.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">That
was the last straw. He obviously wasn’t
going to see past his un-founded anger
and animosity and t</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;">here
was no way I was going to let him keep slowly packing his things back into
his bags while verbally abusing me just because I dared to care about him and wanted to help him,
so I facilitated a quicker departure by throwing everything out the door and onto the
lawn.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">He
got angry and came very close to hitting me, but then said that if I touched
one more thing, he was going to hit his dad, instead. He grabbed a backpack and stormed outside to pick up his belongings. I threw out everything else and told my husband I hoped he wouldn't get hit. My husband was so angry about what my son had been saying about us and the names he had called me that he was struggling to keep his cool (but was doing a better job of it than I was). My son didn't follow through with his threat and simply let loose more of his demeaning profanity. He parted with saying that he was glad to be moving to Colorado because he was never going to have to
see us again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We
locked the door and thought that was the last we were going to see of him for awhile. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">He called the next day. His initial reason for calling was to get me to do him a favor, but he obviously wasn’t
finished with attempting to make his problems, our problems, and seemed to be getting some kind of satisfaction out of letting us know what terrible parents we
were. It was crazy because WE didn't put him in the position that he was in, but he sure was taking out all of his anger, uncertainty, and fear on us. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">His friend supposedly wasn't ready to leave for Colorado yet and he
wanted me to pick up some of the things he had taken with him and bring
them back to our house because he had too much to carry around. I said, “I don’t know how to decide what my
responsibility to you is. You threw the chance to come back home in our faces. And before you left, you were extremely mean and said way too many awful things to me. None of that makes me want to do anything for you, right now."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">His
answer to that was, “I told YOU to shut up when I was packing and you
wouldn’t. You should have expected what
you got.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Oh
right. Because in MY OWN house, I should
expect to be called every name in the book when I try to talk to my child, give
him advice, and bend over backwards offering him a solution to his problems. I told him that it was not his place to tell
me whether I can voice my opinion, or not, and that he definitely didn’t have the right to treat me
the way he did whether he liked or disliked what I said. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">But
then, for some insane reason, I said, “Just so you know, in spite of your terrible attitude
and behavior, I still would be willing to give you a place to stay--if you will
do the things that you need to do to get your life back on track.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">He
said, “What am I supposed to do to get my life back on track?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I answered that he had to live
by our house rules, get a job, and get prepared for moving out so that he could afford to pay rent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">He
replied, “There are no jobs. I have been
applying for months and I can’t get one.
Now, magically, because you said it, I am supposed to be able to find a
job. You are f-ing stupid if you think
that I can get a job or that I am going to live there again. I am going to move to Colorado and maybe I
will see you in about 17 years." He followed that with the usual hang-up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">But, he was still in town later that night when he called my husband and asked if he
could at least sleep in our backyard. My husband told him that wasn't a good idea right now and that we were tired of
getting yelled at, sworn at, and told how awful we were. Then in typical fashion, our son began to
rage that if we loved him we would allow him to live at home and that the whole
reason he was homeless was because we had been brainwashed to think there was
something wrong with smoking pot and that he could prove we were wrong about
it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
know he really must have been feeling desperate about having nowhere to stay, but his arguments weren’t going to change
our minds. We had taken all that we
could take in the last two days and his irrational logic was not going to help him
achieve his goal this time. It was very
hard, as his parents to say, “Sorry, but we just can’t have you here right now,” especially when our emotions were running the gamut from not wanting anything to do with him to not wanting to lose him. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We said it, though.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">And
that was it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The drama was over for awhile.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
sadness that we felt was not. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
KBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14802588088329123042noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6633729990414646270.post-1756997936414497992015-04-29T21:20:00.000-07:002015-05-27T20:48:20.699-07:00Turmoil<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">Whether our son lived with us or not, it
seemed like the turmoil was going to be on-going. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">He didn’t want to live under our roof because he wasn't willing to live up to any rules and expectations, but, he pushed
our buttons and played on our concerns for him, anyway.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">He called and asked for rides to
work. If we couldn’t or wouldn’t take
him, then he would twist everything around so that it would be our fault if he lost his job. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">He would tell us how he was hungry because he didn’t have enough money to buy his own food and that he couldn't work,
if he was starving to death. Thus, if he lost his job he would blame us for not caring about him enough to get him some food. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">We felt as if we were in between a rock
and a hard place. We didn’t want him to lose his job, but we also knew that we shouldn't give in to him every time he demanded our help either. This game went on right up until the day he finally lost his job. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">One day, right after dropping him off at work,
he called me and wanted me to come back to pick him up because he just got
fired.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">I didn’t know what had happened, but
I told him that the only way I would pick him up was if we immediately went to get
applications filled out and turned in at as many places as we could so that he
wouldn’t be without a job for very long.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;"> </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">He said that was okay, but that he
wanted to go to our house to take a shower first (he really did need one). As we drove toward home, I asked him why he
lost his job and he said that it was a bunch of b.s. and that it was not his
fault. As I pressed him a little bit
more, he finally admitted that he missed a mandatory meeting the previous day. He claimed that he went to the meeting, but
because he was five minutes late, they wouldn’t let him in. This was frustrating to me because I had
offered to drive him to the meeting to make sure that he went to it, but he
assured me that he already had a ride. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">While he was showering, I looked online
and found three nearby places that were hiring, so that we would have a
starting point. But, when he was dressed
and ready, he stated that he was going back to Arctic Circle to meet his
friends. I said, “You promised to go get
applications, if I picked you up and you need to take advantage of my help when
it is being offered.” He said he did not
agree to that and just wanted a blankety- blank ride and that it shouldn’t be that hard for me to give him
one. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">Once again, the conversation went around
and around as I tried to get him to understand how important it was for him to
have a job now that he wasn’t living at home, but he just got mad and told me to
quit repeating myself and that this kind of constant
interference in his life was the reason he didn’t live at home anymore.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">I knew that he wasn’t going to change
his mind, at this point, so rather than continue to argue with him, I told him
that I had somewhere that I needed to go and that he had to leave. He just continued yelling at me and refused
to leave if I would not drive him back to the restaurant. In order to keep things from getting out of control, I finally agreed to give him a ride.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">My attempt to avoid any more conflict wasn’t
as easy as it should have been.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">At the restaurant, he told me to go through
the drive-through and buy him some corn dogs for lunch.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;"> </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">I could have just done it, but I
seriously thought it was a pretty ridiculous expectation at this point and I
said no. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">My refusal just fueled his fire
though. He accused me of being
embarrassed to be seen with him and wanted to know why I wouldn’t go out to
lunch with him anymore. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">As if smoking marijuana, moving out,
making everything that happened to him my
fault and my problem, and just being a jerk would make me want to have
lunch with him or even buy him lunch. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">And, quite honestly, I WAS embarrassed
to be seen with him at the place he had just gotten fired from. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">I said, “Just so you know, I came here
after you turned in your application and asked a friend of mine, who is a
manager here, to please get you an
interview. So, yes, it would be
embarrassing to be seen with you HERE since I will probably see my friend. You need to get out of the truck now, or you
are going to be walking from the shopping center because that is where I am
going RIGHT NOW!” I put the truck in
reverse and began to leave.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">Somehow, he came to the conclusion that he
wasn’t going to get what he wanted. He swore
at me as he got out of the truck – telling me how he felt about me at the
moment--and slammed the door as hard as he could. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">I felt so bad. Being subjected to his tirades and told in all kinds of colorful ways, what a horrible person I am, is always so
hard on my heart. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">When I got back home, I felt that I
should say something to him and sent this text message: “You are my son and I love you. I am sad that it isn’t like it was two months ago when we
would go get lunch together every week.
But, you changed everything when you chose marijuana over your home and family and I am not happy with what you are
doing. It makes me sad to not do things
for you, but I can’t enable you either.
I am sorry it is like this.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">He did not reply.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">He was angry about getting fired and
angry that he didn’t get everything that he wanted out of me. I don't even think he got the big fight he was looking for. If we would have had a big blow-up, he could have somehow shifted the blame for getting fired on to me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">Denying him was the right thing to do, I
guess. Everyone kept telling me that the
“tough love” that you hear about all the time was going to have to become part
of my daily life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">Tough love is very hard to put into
practice. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">As
a parent, your instinct is to do everything you can to protect and care for
your child no matter what. Every time I tried to step back and let him deal with the struggle, it just about
broke my heart. He let me know that it proved that I didn’t
give a darn about him. I love this kid with every fiber of my being and the "love" portion was hard to reconcile with the "tough" portion. I didn’t want him to believe
that I didn’t love him or care for his well being. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">I
was advised that I had to wait for him to hit rock bottom because no matter how
hard my husband and I tried to help him, or how many different ways we tried to
get him to see the reality of his situation, or how much we wanted him to
change his course, it was ultimately his choice to change or not to
change.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">Since
he had never been able to learn through consequences, it was probably going to
take him living through some very hard times to get to that point.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 6.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">And every hard thing he brought upon himself—was
equally hard for us, too.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">When your child is an addict who does
not know how to accept responsibility for his actions, rock bottom doesn’t
really seem to exist.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">There is always seems to be another rock
just below it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 13.5pt;">Waiting.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
KBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14802588088329123042noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6633729990414646270.post-42085650784427567462015-02-08T21:06:00.000-08:002015-02-08T21:06:37.810-08:00Feels Like the Beginning of the End Part 2<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">Well, he saved us from
having to kick him out.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">Within a day of that
revealing night, I received a text message that said, “Hey, I am going to move in
with Spence for awhile. Just wanted to
let you know.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">I felt like he was choosing
to smoke marijuana over his home and family and it broke my heart.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">I replied to him that this wasn’t
a conversation to have over text messaging; that he needed to think twice about
that decision; and to come back home to talk to us. He did not answer me back.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">I did hear from his
sponsor. He called to relate some of my
son’s concerns to me. He was afraid that we would call the police on him and/or that we were
going to put him in rehab again, so he moved out in an attempt to avoid those
consequences. Apparently, my son admitted
to him that he had been smoking marijuana about twice a week for over a month. That lead me to believe that he had been
smoking a lot more than that, since lying comes second nature to him when he is
using. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">I asked his sponsor to tell
him that we wouldn’t call the police as long there was no marijuana or drugs brought
into the house and as long as he did not smoke pot IN the house (like he had
been the year before), and, now that he had moved out, he also had to honestly be
clean and sober in order to be able to come back home.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">You know, when we put him
in rehab at the age of 14, we thought he had a really good chance to change. And we really didn’t have much choice, but to
put him in rehab. We had to do something
to try to help him quit using, because we would not have even thought of
kicking him out of the house at that age.
We hoped and prayed that the things he learned about addiction and the
life skills that he learned would have a lasting impact on him. At one of the parent meetings, we were told
that one third of the kids would go on to live a productive, successful,
drug-free life. But, the odds were also that one third of
them would die from their addiction, and one third would just go on living life
as an addict—in and out of jail, rehab, and relationships. We only wanted to picture our son in the successful
scenario. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">But now he was 17 years old
and couldn’t see the road that he was heading down again. He actually left home, rather
than take the chance of going back into rehab.
We really felt that if it wasn’t his decision, he wouldn’t be receptive
to anything that they tried to teach or re-teach him this time. After
all of the programs that he has been through in counseling and rehab, he had
never changed his opinion about using marijuana. He didn’t think there was anything wrong with
it. The fact that it was a gateway drug
for him which led to his becoming a drug addict who used any and every drug
that he could get his hands on, did not seem to matter to him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">The previous year while he
was in the Psych unit, as the therapists and psychiatrists were trying to
figure out what to do with him, they all agreed that even though they had
tested him and he still showed all of the signs of being an addict, they thought
that rehab would be a waste of time and money until he wanted it for himself
because he knew the game and knew how to play it, thus not taking it seriously.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">But, even though he hadn’t
had a long inpatient stay, I did think that the previous year’s stay in the
Psych unit had helped him in some ways.
He seemed to have been able to control his rages more than he used to,
even though he still had more of them than I liked. There hadn’t been any incidents that required the police to
intervene! I felt like we got along
better at least some of the time. He even
changed how he talked about moving out and used the word, “if” more frequently than
he used the word, “when”. I was feeling hopeful about the future.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">And then I was stupidly
blindsided. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">I GET that he is an
addict. I have had years of education on
this subject. I knew that multiple
relapses were likely. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">But, I am his mom. I love him more than he will ever know and my
heart doesn’t understand his turning his back on me because of marijuana. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">I was at
such a loss and had no idea what to do.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">We asked our good friend whose life's work is to help transition addicts from rehab back into society what we should do. He said, “Stick
with the ultimatum of no drug or alcohol use while living in your house. Part of me feels you should just kill him
with the kindness of telling him—good luck.
He believes he can make it on his own.
What will really happen is that he will get a small, but useful taste of
what it takes to me a man. He will lose
his job, thereby losing any money from that job. He won’t be able to eat and will definitely
grind on the nerves of those he is surrounded by. Pot smokers will only smoke out their friends
for so long. He will then come back to
you with his proverbial tail between his legs and maybe learn that you guys are
through with the bullcrap, which at the end of the day is the key to a person
beginning the journey of recovery. He
has very few options, but the scary thing is he doesn’t have a clue about
that. I believe that he will sooner,
rather than later, find that out. I tell
parents all the time that <u>it is them who have all the power, but it is
somehow the genius of all addicts that make parents believe they have none.</u> Such is not the case. You are all that your son has. Don’t forget that.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">What he said about addicts
making their parents feel like they have no power made sense.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">We definitely were feeling
powerless.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">Even though we knew our son
would move out someday, we didn’t want it to happen like this and there didn’t
seem to be anything that we could do to change the circumstances.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">We were so sad.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"> </span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">And so very
disappointed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
KBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14802588088329123042noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6633729990414646270.post-34088938095438407042015-02-03T22:03:00.000-08:002015-02-03T22:03:24.592-08:00Feels Like the Beginning of the End<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">The first month of the year
was mostly uneventful—meaning that we had very few blow-ups. My son even got a job at a fast food
restaurant near our house and at first, was excited about it. It doesn't take very long for someone who is oppositional defiant to start disliking anyone who has authority over them so he soon began to complain about the managers. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">Since we had been getting
along fairly well so far that month, I wasn't surprised when one day he asked me if I wanted to go to a movie with
him. I told him that I didn’t think
there was anything that I wanted to see and he asked me to check. I was right. At that point, he said, “Well, can I just use the money that you would
have spent to go to a movie with me, to go to a movie with Hailee?” He is such a con artist. I do not appreciate being conned and I did
not give him the money.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">I should have suspected
that the good times were coming to an end a few weeks later when we had a battle about his filthy
room. He would take meals and snacks up
there, then leave the dishes and partially eaten food in piles all over the
place. No matter how many times I reminded
him that he was breaking all the rules about food in his room and told him to
take it all down to the kitchen, he wouldn’t do it.
He said that he should have been able to keep HIS room any way that he
wanted to and that if we called it HIS room, we didn’t have the right to tell
him to keep it clean. So, for the 150<sup>th</sup>
time, I told him that the term HIS room referred to the room that he was
allowed to reside in, but that in no way gave him possession of it and that the
privilege of having a room came with the requirement to keep it clean. He responded, “I never agreed to that.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">Where his reasoning came from was a mystery to me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">But, the battle got heated
and when his behavior started getting out of hand I told him that if he didn’t want to follow the rules here, he could leave. He said, “If
I leave, you will call the police and I am not moving out until the day I turn 18!” I told
him that I would not call the police and that he could just go ahead and go because he was close enough to
age 18 that the police wouldn’t care whether he left home or not. I guess he thought I was serious because eventually he cooled down and stopped playing the “I’m
going to move out as soon as I turn 18” card as if he knew that it wasn’t working
to play it on my emotions anymore. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Kristen ITC;">Then, one night, at the beginning of February, he came home from Hailee's house reeking of POT! I guess he thought I wouldn't notice it over the cigarette smell that always followed him home. But, I noticed and I </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">was very angry!</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"> It made me so furious that he had been </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">smoking pot with her, but he said that he left her house and went somewhere else before he came home. He stated that I didn’t need to know where he went, or who he smoked it with, and that I
might as well stop asking him about it.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">I had a sinking feeling that it had to have been going on for awhile and I
was just barely finding out about it. I had been deceived, once again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">I said, “Things have been
going fairly okay around here and then you go and start doing this again! What were you thinking? Everything is messed up now! You can’t smoke pot! It’s not allowed if you live here and you
know it! Why did you start smoking pot
again?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">He finally gave the
excuse that he had been feeling bored and anxious and that I was crazy to think
that things had been going great around here because they weren’t and he
couldn’t stand it anymore.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">Well, I guess it was my
own wishful thinking. I obviously wanted to
believe that we were getting along better than in the past. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">I had
been watching for the bored-ness factor that shows up in the winter months
because I knew that it was a trigger for him.
I provided money to go out to dinner and bowling quite frequently with his friends. He also had his new job to keep him busy, so I really didn’t see any indications that he was becoming bored or
overly anxious. He hadn’t even shown any more signs of drinking in the previous few weeks. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">Now what? He wasn’t 14 anymore. We had
hardly any control over him as it was at age 17. Nothing we had done, or facilitated, or forced
in the last few years made any difference at all. He just refused to get it. How could we convince him to “get it” now?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">I told him that I was not funding any more activities with his friends because the trust
level was back in the negative zone. He
insisted that he never used my money for marijuana. Even if that were true, it seemed pretty hard to believe at the time. I also informed him that transportation to work would be provided, when I was available, but that rides to friend’s houses would not be given anymore because I wasn’t going to enable him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">In the back of my mind, I suspected
that he might be headed this direction after his New Year’s Eve drinking
episode, but I just wasn’t ready for it. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">The next day when I
heard the song “Sweet Child of Mine” by Guns and Roses on the radio, I got very emotional. It used to be one of my son’s favorite songs and I
have associated it with him for a long time. As I listened to it, I pictured that sweet
one-year-old child in his little white tuxedo, standing outside the temple where he was sealed to us for time and all eternity, a few days after the adoption was finalized. I wondered how he had grown
into the big, long-haired defiant person that he was now. 16 years before, I never would have thought that this is where we were headed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">I just wanted to cry. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">We hadn’t given him the “quit
or move out” ultimatum yet, but I was fairly sure that nothing that we said or
did would make any difference. He was
going to do whatever he wanted to do. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">If he wasn’t willing to
quit using marijuana, we were going to have to get the courage to kick our son out
of the house.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"> </span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">How does a parent do that? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
KBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14802588088329123042noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6633729990414646270.post-43057997878062487532015-02-02T20:07:00.000-08:002015-02-02T20:07:39.947-08:00New Year's Eve<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">On New Year’s
Eve, my husband, son, and I went to see Thor, got some dinner at our favorite Mexican
food chain, then came home and began a movie marathon.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">As the first
movie was ending, my son got the New Year’s Eve phone call that I had been
dreading--to go hang out with friends. I
wished that he could have just stayed at home with us where I knew he was safe
and not likely to be tempted to do anything stupid. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">But, they were
some of his childhood friends, so I hoped it would be okay and he
promised to keep me posted on his status throughout the evening. As the night went on, I received the
updates: they went to get junk food,
they went to Dillon’s girlfriend’s house, and then went to I-Hop at
midnight. After that, they planned to
spend the rest of the night Dillon’s house.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">I believed every
single update -- until the next morning.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">He came home at
9:00 a.m., as he had promised, to get ready for a job interview at Little Caesar’s
Pizza. When he came into the house, he
was chewing gum like crazy and it seemed to be clashing with the smell of
alcohol emanating from him. He went straight to the shower—probably to try to wake himself up and wash away the
evidence. But, after the shower, when he went to his room,
instead of getting ready to go to interview, he crashed onto his bed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">Well, the shower
obviously didn’t work to keep him awake and it didn't seem to do much to wash away the smell of alcohol. I don’t have any
experience with people who drink, but when I walked into his room, it seemed to me, that he still reeked of alcohol as if it was coming out of his pores or
something. I tried to get him up and
moving, but he was out cold. I spoke loudly and sharply, practically yelling at him until I saw
his eyes open a little bit and got a grunt of acceptance out of him. At that point, getting up and getting ready was all on him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">I couldn’t
believe it when he actually started to get ready, but was frustrated at how
slowly he was doing it. He finally made it
to the interview, but was five minutes late.
We were afraid that it wasn’t going to go well. It made me angry that he partied all night
long— all the while leading me to believe that I could trust him and what he
said he was doing—and then was unprepared and hungover for this interview. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">He came home and
went right back to bed. I wanted him to
take a drug test, but he said he wouldn’t until he woke back up. I didn’t have any alcohol tests and wasn't sure if they would have worked by then anyway. Alcohol had never been his substance of
choice, so this was a new area for us to have to deal with.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">The drug test
came back clean and when we asked him why he had been drinking, he said, “I don’t
drink because I don’t handle alcohol very well.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">Was that a
denial, or a way of getting around answering the question? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">He didn’t get the
job.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">And there we were.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Kristen ITC;">Beginning the new year with a potential new problem.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Kristen ITC;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Kristen ITC;">Happy New Year?</span></div>
KBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14802588088329123042noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6633729990414646270.post-34051321864331259582015-01-17T22:58:00.001-08:002015-01-17T22:58:38.452-08:00JOBS<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">The day that my
son started his seasonal job at a party store, I just wanted to tip my head
back, spread my arms wide, turn around in circles and breathe. He was scheduled to work for six hours—the
best six hours, ever!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">And then, at the end of that first day of work, he said he was going to quit. His
task for the day was standing on the corner, wearing a pirate
costume, and waving a sign to attract people’s attention to the party store. For some reason, he did not think that was
what he signed up for. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">I don’t know what
inspired him to go back the next day, but luckily he did and since it rained,
he was able to work inside the store and didn’t say anything else about
quitting for a few days. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">He spent a lot of time out on that corner and hated every minute of it. One day, while he
was working, I got a text from my friend that said, “We just passed a pirate
standing on the corner. He looked like
he wanted to shoot himself.” <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">I drove by many
times, hoping to see him in the pirate costume, but I never did. I did see him looking like a very unhappy
clown a couple of times and took his picture. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Kristen ITC; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-UrlxhOBz1Bs/VLtKys47csI/AAAAAAAABOI/vA0x2n0fZm8/s1600/Tyler%2Bclown.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-UrlxhOBz1Bs/VLtKys47csI/AAAAAAAABOI/vA0x2n0fZm8/s1600/Tyler%2Bclown.jpg" height="302" width="400" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">One day after work, he said, “I don’t think I will be hired on a
permanent basis after Halloween.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">I asked why?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">He replied,
“Because I can’t tie balloons.” <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">I laughed out
loud and then promised to buy him some balloons to practice on. He said he did not want me to do that. Why would he make the effort to practice something that might help him keep the position after Halloween was over?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">About two weeks
later, he was interviewed and then hired at a wholesale shipping warehouse. He worked there for two days and said it was very, very hard work.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">On the third day,
he called in sick. We could not believe he did that. We were sure that he had just lost this new job. Of course, he thought we had no idea what we
were talking about and that he couldn’t be fired for being sick.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">After that, every
time he checked to see what his schedule was, he was told that they didn’t need
him the next day.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">He never worked there again.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">He
continued to work at the party store, but didn’t like it, threatened to quit all
the time, and started to refuse to go if he had to walk or ride his bike. If I couldn’t take him, he would say that he
was going to call in sick. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">Apparently, he hadn’t
learned anything from calling in sick at the warehouse. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;"><u>HIS</u> future was on
the line, and he was behaving as if this job was my responsibility, not his. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;">It was so
frustrating.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;">But as usual, I did
everything that I could to help him because I always felt like I had
no choice.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;"> He would threaten that i</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;">f I didn’t drive him to
work, he wouldn’t go. </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;">I knew that s</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;">omehow, if he got fired, he would turn it all around and
blame me for it.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;">I just couldn’t handle
that and did all that I could to help him keep this job for as long as they would schedule him to work.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">At least when he went to court, he still had one job. I wondered if that would be enough to keep him out of detention.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">He told the judge
that he had a job at the party store (without mentioning that it was temporary)
and had worked for two days so far at a wholesale shipping warehouse (neglecting
to mention the text message that he had just gotten the day before that said,
“We won’t be able to use you anymore.”)<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">The probation
officer knew that the first job was temporary and that my son was likely not going to be working
at the warehouse anymore, but didn’t make any effort to clarify those points with the judge. Neither one of them seemed to care that my son was not "fully employed" as had been mandated at the previous hearing.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">I felt as if their goal that
day was to close the case and wash their hands of my son. There was nothing
I could do about it. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">As we left the building that day, his probation
officer said that he literally never wanted to see him again—meaning that he
wanted him to stay out of trouble, but I was pretty sure that it also meant
that he was ready to be rid of our family’s
drama.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">My new worry was
that without the court's jurisdiction, my son would immediately feel that he was free to start smoking marijuana
and doing whatever he wanted to do again. I hoped and prayed
that he would stay sober, but, every single time he has been sober, I have
always secretly wondered how long it would last. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">He was not asked to stay on at the party store after Halloween. This was disappointing, but not unexpected. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">As soon as he was not working anymore, he </span></span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;">started spending a lot of time hanging out with his new friends from work. </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;">He always came back smelling like he had been sitting in a room full of smokers.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;">He claimed
that the mother at the house was a chain smoker and that he didn't like it at all.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;"> When I picked him up, I had to drive home with the windows rolled down (even though it was cold outside) because </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;">I couldn’t stand the smell and eventually stopped giving him rides and made him walk home. </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;">He swore that he wasn't smoking and that he didn't like the pervasive odor, either. I did not know whether I believed him or not. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">I really wanted
him to get a new job as soon as possible, so that he would have less time to hang out with these people.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">But, he was having fun, doing nothing, and wasting time. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">He was still demanding and mean. As he began to run out of money, the name calling and berating about my unwillingness to "treat him like other parents treat their kids" increased. I was supposed to give him everything that he wanted and rides everywhere he wanted to go. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">He wasn’t in any hurry to get a new job, especially because that is what I wanted him to do. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">He would rather do the exact opposite of anything that I expected. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">He was really good at that.</span></span></div>
KBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14802588088329123042noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6633729990414646270.post-34039405917123981872015-01-14T19:05:00.002-08:002015-01-14T19:20:40.330-08:00Summer<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">Once school was
out, my son actually started taking a little bit more responsibility for the
community service requirement.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">I spent A LOT of time driving him around.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">By the time he
went to court in the middle of July, he had about half of the hours completed, but luckily
for him, a lot of the people that he worked for gave him double hours, so that
made up the difference. I wasn’t excited about him getting double hours because it seemed like he was getting more than he deserved, but I couldn’t say much about it. At least there were people willing to let him do community service
for them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">The judge was
glad that he got the service hours and not glad that he did so poorly at
school. He said that the court was
through babysitting him, though, and that he had to either be fully employed or enrolled in school when he went back to court in October, or he would go to
juvenile detention for a long stay.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">Afterward, my son
said, “So, I have three months to get a job.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">I said, “You have about two weeks to get a job because I have to get you registered for
school if you don’t get one.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">He told me not to
register him for school because he wasn’t going to go whether he had a job, or not.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">So, I didn’t register him. I was done fighting with him about
school. If he didn’t get a job by
October, then his stay in detention wasn’t going to be my problem.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">With community
service and court over with, he had very little motivation to do anything. So he spent the rest of the summer doing absolutely
nothing. He did not look for a job and his
main activity was pestering me for something to do.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">When he was a little kid, wanting me to provide constant activities and entertainment, he would never let up on his quest until I finally came up
with an acceptable idea, or sent him to his room because I couldn't stand it anymore. But, now that he was an angry unhappy teenager,
if I didn’t come up with the solution to his boredom, he yelled at me and called me
names. I would get so tired of him
swearing at me and putting me down that getting out of bed every morning was getting harder and harder to do. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">As the belittling
went on and on, I would say, “Just remember that the next time you want to go do
something fun with me, that you called me an f-ing b**** the day before and then
don’t even bother asking.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">It was an awesome
summer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">The best part was
his birthday.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">The plan was that
he and a friend would go to a movie during the day. Then, that night, his father and I would take
him and the friend to Chuck-a-Rama for dinner. It is one of his favorite places to eat. I invited his sponsor as a surprise. We were all looking forward to it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">At least I
thought we ALL were.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">Until, I was
asked if his father and I could NOT go to the restaurant with him for his birthday dinner because when
he was talking about it in front of some other friends, they invited themselves,
but THEY didn’t want US (the parents) to go, too. He said it would have been rude of him to
tell his friends that they couldn’t come.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">Oh yes. So much more rude to tell your parents that
THEY are un-invited to the celebration that they planned for you. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">In the meantime,
he said he wanted to have a Honey-baked Ham for his birthday. I said that it would be okay, but that the ham was going to be his gift. I guess he thought I was joking about that. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">We drove
to the Honey-baked Ham store and I bought him a $40.00 ham. He was so excited about it that he brought a
plate and a fork with him from home and started eating the ham as soon as we got back into the truck. Then said, “this is not very good.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">Seriously?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">I said, "That is your present, so hopefully it will taste better if you heat it up or
have it on a sandwich with some cheese.
That is all you are getting for your birthday this year.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">This must be when he realized I wasn't joking because he exploded with, “That is
B*** Sh**!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">Well, he had
already informed me that he wanted me to give him the money that I would have spent on the movie, and the money that we would have used at the restaurant with the original party plan so that he and these friends could use it to go bowling
and then out to eat. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";">I felt that giving him a portion of that money was more than enough for this birthday</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"> and I let him go with all of these wonderful friends to
celebrate his birthday without us.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">It was not what I thought his 17th birthday would be like.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">But, then again, n</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">othing was turning out like I thought it would anymore.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">I didn't know for sure if it ever would.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
KBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14802588088329123042noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6633729990414646270.post-36284759351061895162015-01-08T22:25:00.000-08:002015-01-08T22:25:49.409-08:00FAKING SICK<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The last 10 weeks of the school year were so frustrating. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I wanted the judge to order my son to go to school and I
hoped it would be enough to have him make a real effort. But, it didn't seem to make any difference at all to him, and I
was still the only one who took it seriously. I know I should have just backed off and let him handle this all on his own and I did do that to a point, even though it may not seem like it. When he wouldn't get up for school, I would try to reason with him a couple of times and then I would just walk away.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">There were just an excessive amount of days that he claimed to be too sick to go to
school. By the end of the quarter, he was hardly attending at all.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am sure that he was probably legitimately sick for a few of those missed school days. And, some of the days, he may have
experienced side effects of medication changes that made him feel weird. But almost every single missed day of school was a day that he really could have attended and chose
not to.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The problem for me was that I did not feel right about calling the attendance office every time to excuse him. It wasn't true and I didn't want to keep making excuses for his behavior.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">It drove me crazy to see him sleep all morning, claiming to have "thrown up all night" and then get up and start making himself a big meal right about the time that school would be getting out—as
if he knew that there was no way I could try to make him go at that point. Or, he
would stay home all day and then want to go somewhere with his friends, or
pester me to take him to a movie, or to take him out to dinner.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">As if, there should be no consequences for just refusing
to go to school.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">As the end of the quarter and another court date drew near, I decided to send this letter to his probation officer: </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 5.05pt 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">“I just wanted to let you know how things are going. I am not trying to get him into more trouble,
I just don't know what to do with him anymore and nothing that we have done so
far has made any difference in how he acts.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 5.05pt 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I liked how the judge told him that he wanted to see
him making the changes that he needed to make until they became a habit, not
that he was just making them until he got out of the court system. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 5.05pt 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">But, to us, as parents, we don't see any of the changes
becoming a habit and honestly, his behavior has gotten worse since we went to
court, than it was before. As we walked
out of the courthouse this time, after he had been given the breaks on
community service and told that if he passed his classes and got decent grades,
he would get more community service hours, he said, "Well, I am screwed on
community service." <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 5.05pt 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">We said, "What are you talking about? You just got a bunch of your remaining
community service hours handed to you on a platter. You can easily pass your classes and could get
good grades in them if you start working a little bit harder." But, he was certain that it was impossible.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 5.05pt 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">And since then, he has still continued to miss 2 or 3 days
of school a week. He has complained of
feeling sick to his stomach and of throwing up on most of those days. Then, usually in the afternoon, he feels a
whole lot better--until the next morning. And, he never seems to feel like that on the
weekends. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 5.05pt 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">T</span></span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">his game has gone on for too many
years. </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I know that if he just bucked up
and set his mind to the fact that even if he feels a little nauseated in the
morning, he could still go to school and still accomplish the things he needs
to--but he won't.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">If I try to make him go to the doctor to find
out why he is sick, he won’t go.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">His
psych nurse practitioner thought that maybe, for a few of the weeks, it was a
side effect of a new medication that she was having him </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">try, but for the two or three weeks before he
was on it, and the last two weeks or so, he hasn't been on that medication
anymore and he still claims to have this problem. </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 5.05pt 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">My husband and I think that part of his problem is his
eating habits. He eats ALOT, doesn't eat healthy food, and eats big meals at
10, 11, or 12 p.m. almost every night. </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">When we try to explain to him that eating a full meal at bedtime, playing the X-Box right up until
he goes to bed, not getting enough exercise, etc. affects his sleep, he tells us that none of that makes any difference and that we need to stop telling
him the same thing over and over again.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 5.05pt 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Last week, when I checked his school records, I saw that he
had a few too many unexcused absences. When I don't think he is really sick, I don't call in and excuse him. If he refuses to go
to school in the morning and then wants to go to Nickelcade, or Sizzler, or to a
movie in the afternoon, then I don't really think I should have to excuse him
for being sick. But, when I saw that he
would have to go to attendance school or he would have "no grades" in
the classes that he was actually passing, I called and excused the absences so
that he wouldn't have to go to attendance school. He had already stated that he wouldn't go to
attendance school and he didn't really care if he passed or not because school
is not worth his time right now and that he is not going to graduate anyway, so
what difference does it make? But, of
course, I want to give him a chance to pass and I just keep hoping that
somehow, something will encourage him to strive for being the best he can be
instead of just not striving for anything at all. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 5.05pt 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">His therapist told me that I should try to reward him for
going to school for the last part of the quarter to see if that would provide some motivation. I tried that, and it still didn't make a
difference. He missed the next
two days. I don't know what, if
anything, makes him feel bad in the morning, but it sure seems to be something
that he could work through and get on with his day. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 5.05pt 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">When I told him that he probably had not been sick at least 50% or more of the time, he got very upset with me and said that I was calling him a liar and a faker. If I try to explain to him that he really needs to do what the judge ordered him to do, h</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">e gets really mad at me and tells me that school is his responsibility, not mine. I am so tired of being told to shut the f***
up and that I am a f****** bitch, and that I should never talk to him again-- just because I try to help him, and try to fight for the best for him.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 5.05pt 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I am not going to do it anymore. If he won't get up
in the morning, then I am not going to try to make him. I am not going to excuse him and I am not
going to feel bad when he gets "no grades" in his classes. He could have passed Algebra, Language Arts, History,
and Guitar, but whether he does or not, is all on him from now on. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 5.05pt 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Today, he said that most of his classes were showing movies and he seriously wanted me to call the school and tell them he was sick. I wouldn't and then he fought with me about it. I told him that movie days are the best days
to go to school because you get credit for being there and you don't have to do
anything. But, not for my son. No day is a good day to go to school.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 5.05pt 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I hoped that having the court order him to go to school
would make a difference, but it hasn't. Nothing
has made a difference. He won't go to
school; he won't do community service; he won't call you on Fridays (even
though we remind him to); and he won't act decent towards us.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 5.05pt 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Last night, on the way home from our weekend at our cabin
property, he complained that we had forced him to spend the weekend with us against
his will. We pointed out that he seemed
to have a good time with his cousins and he replied that it was better than
hanging out with us. My husband told him
that it was good for him to get out of the house and good to see him having
fun. He came back with the statement that he would
get out of the house and go have some fun a lot more if we would just give him
all the money he needs to be able to do that.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 5.05pt 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">We told him that he needed to get a job and that he could use
that money to have fun and to get the things that he wants. And, he said, "I
don't HAVE to get a job just because you tell me to get a job. There are no
jobs to get anyway."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 5.05pt 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I told him that there are 100 businesses close to us that he
could apply at. He said that I was wrong
about that, especially because he would not not work in fast food. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 5.05pt 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I am dreading the summer. I am dreading every day of him getting up and
asking me what we are going to go do for fun today (which he does all the
time). I keep telling him that if he
doesn't do what he is supposed to do, if he acts like a jerk, and if he talks
to me in the disrespectful way that he talks to me, then, I am not going to go
do fun things with him. He tries to put all the blame on me and tells me that it is just because I don't want to spend time with him. He is right about that in a way because when
he acts like he does, I don't want to spend time with him. If he acted decent and tried to do what he was
supposed to do, then I would be more than happy to spend time with him. And, occasionally, when I do decide to go to a
movie or take him to get something to eat, he rewards me the next day with a super
bad attitude and terrible behavior. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 5.05pt 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">My husband and I are tired of the school battle. He can go to school his senior year if he
changes his mind about it and wants to, but if he doesn't, we don't want to
have to spend another year trying to force him to do what the school system and
the court feel is mandatory for him to do. We really just want him to get a full time job
or two part time jobs and work so that he is doing SOMETHING. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 5.05pt 0in 0.0001pt;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Right now, he doesn't do anything and his days are like this: </span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Go to school once or twice a week, or sleep until afternoon. </span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Play the X-Box or computer games. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Sometimes takes a break and plays the guitar. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Pesters me about going to do something fun. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Once a week has therapy, and some weeks has doctor appointments. </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">And that is it. </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">He
rarely hangs out with real friends in the real world--only those who he is
talking to while he plays games over the internet. </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"> </span></div>
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 5.05pt 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">He can't stand his parents and finds something to argue
about with us almost every single day.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 5.05pt 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">He has to bring his community service hours to you next
Tuesday and probably only has about 10 more hours completed. They are mostly therapy hours and a couple of
AA hours. He has made no efforts to do
any other service and I haven't gone out of my way to find any for him. Before we came to court at the first of this
month, almost every service opportunity that my husband and I presented to him
was met with a no. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 5.05pt 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">The more we try to encourage him, help him, and give him
chances and opportunities, the more he defies us. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 5.05pt 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">To end this long email, I would just like to ask that you
find a time this week to talk to him about how it is going without revealing
too much that you heard from me. He will really let me have it if he finds out
that I have shared all this with you. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 5.05pt 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I know that the kinds of problems that we have are probably
the same as a lot of parents have with their kids, but since our kid won't even
make much of an effort to do what you and the judge have required of
him, I thought you should know, so that maybe we can figure out how to get him
on track.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 5.05pt 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">As I said, I am not trying to get him trouble. I just don't want him to get in MORE trouble. I feel like we are running out of time. He is 14 months away from 18 years old and
then he plans to leave home and go do whatever he wants to do. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 5.05pt 0in 0.0001pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">That scares me to death.”</span><span style="font-size: 6.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
KBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14802588088329123042noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6633729990414646270.post-20351724341674416602014-08-26T21:28:00.000-07:002014-08-26T21:37:40.285-07:00AND SO IT GOES<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">Most
people don’t understand what a cycling, raging, out of control argument is like.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">I hear all the time that it is just normal
teenage behavior.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">But, what we experience is NOT normal
teenage behavior.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">Here
is another example of an irrational, blown out of proportion, disconnected
thinking incident:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Kristen ITC;">At
some point in the last day or so, he had used my laptop and plugged his I-Pod
into it. He immediately needed to know
where the I-Pod cord was. He was adamant that I
had unplugged it from my laptop when took it back out of his room and now I
needed to tell him where I had put the cord.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">I
said, “Well, if it was in your room when I unplugged it, then the cord is in
your room somewhere. You will just have look
for it.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">But,
for my son, the cord did not exist since it was not in plain sight. Since I was the one who supposedly touched it and moved it, I should have
been able to tell him where the blankety-blank cord was and it was my
responsibility to find it. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">I
said, “If you are going to get mad and swear at me for touching or moving things
that you plug into my laptop, then you are no longer allowed to use my laptop.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">He
charged up the stairs and told me that if I wanted to freak out and if I wanted
to start something, then HE would start something right there, right then. He was towering above me--raging at me within
inches of my face because I wouldn’t admit to losing the cord and didn’t know
where it was. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">Once
again, he wouldn’t stop and went on and on about how I am not an adult and not
a grown-up and that I can’t even admit when I have done something wrong. He went on to say that he sure as he** wasn’t
going to school the next day without his f-ing I-Pod because the I-Pod is the
only thing that gets him through school.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #660000; font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;">I
had to call my husband and give him our “meltdown” code phrase (“the cat sat on
the headphones”) so that he would know things were getting out of control and
that he needed to come home as soon as possible.</span><span style="color: #660000; font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">(
Once, my son went into his room, stepped on his X-Box headphones and broke
them. Because he can’t accept that anything
is ever his fault, he got upset and screamed at me that my cat had gone into
his room and sat on his headphones and had broken them. And, since, it was the cat’s fault, I was
responsible to buy him new headphones. It was so ludicrous to me that the cat
had broken the headphones, that I made the mistake of laughing at how ridiculous he
was being. He got so mad that I had to
leave the house to get away from him). <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">The missing I-Pod cord was one of those “cat sat on the headphones” incidents.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #660000; font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;">Rather than look for it himself, he stood there and yelled at me, blamed me, accused me, and belittled me.</span><span style="color: #660000; font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">I went into his room, looked all over the floor, under piles of clothes, and
garbage and didn’t see it. All the while he hadn't stopped ranting and raging.
I stood up and looked at the top of his dresser and moved the beanie hat
that HE put on his dresser when he took it off his head--and the I-Pod
cord was underneath it. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">And,
maybe, I placed the cord on his dresser. Or
possibly, he did. Maybe the leprechauns put it there.
But, HE put the beanie cap on it.
He obscured it from view. He
could not lift up a hat to see if there was anything underneath it. And, yet he still would not concede that he should have been able to find that cord himself. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">He continued yelling at me that I needed to admit that it was my fault
for not knowing where I had put the cord.
<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">At
this point, I had had enough. I resorted
to yelling back at him that I was done talking about it! But, because he was in a raging cycle
and raring for the fight, next, he started in on me for being yelled at. He said that I am always yelling at him. I don’t yell at him as much as he thinks I
do, but to him, anytime that I change my tone, tell him no, or won’t/can’t do
what he wants me to do, it is yelling. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">Even
though, he was the one doing the yelling and blowing everything out of
proportion.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">And
so it goes again:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">Another
night, he went back to the fact that he didn’t have access to Skype. He wanted to be able to talk to a friend
while playing a game. I would have liked
to have been able to let him have that privilege, but he had not done anything
to earn it back. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">He
played computer games and the X-Box all the time. He didn’t keep his room clean. He didn’t do any chores. He didn’t talk to us unless he wanted
something. And with the constant raging
about anything that did not go his way almost every single day, he was not going to
get Skype back.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">That
night, in the battle that ensued, he threatened us that if we didn’t give him
what he wanted, then we were not going to like the consequences.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">As
if threatening us was going to get him what he wanted. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">So,
I went into the office, unplugged the router cord that goes upstairs to his
X-Box and locked the door to the office and said, “You are grounded from the
X-Box and the computer for two days.”
(This was the maximum amount of time that the psych-therapist told us we
could reasonably ground him from things).<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">His
response to that was that we don’t give a f*** about him, that we are trying to
ruin his life, that we make him live with us and we don’t do anything for
him. He got very abusive and screamed
terrible things about my husband right in his face. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">Two
minutes later, he decided to change tactics and requested to be able to talk to me in private
saying that he wanted to apologize for how he had been acting and to discuss
the parental controls of Skype like adults.
I said I was sorry, but that there really was nothing to discuss. "Five minutes
ago, you said that I didn’t give a f*** about you and therefore, I am not
really interested in talking to you at the moment." He wouldn’t listen when I told him that my
not wanting to have a discussion with him was a consequence of how he had been
acting and he began swearing at me, again, telling me that I was a jerk for not
letting him apologize. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">As
my husband intervened, taking the brunt of the hateful behavior on himself,
instead of letting it all rest on me, he was told was again, by my son, that he
never wants to talk to him again his life.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">Later,
as we talked alone about what had happened, I said, “Even if I had done the
validating thing that we have been taught to do so many times, and had said, ‘I
know it must be hard for you not to have Skype like you want and I know you
really want it, and I am sure you have a hard time understanding why we aren’t
going to unblock it…..etc.’, he would have yelled and f-bombed and everything
else because he STILL wasn’t getting his way.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">I
am so tired of this. Things will go smoothly
for a day or maybe even two, and then something sets him off and everything
hits the fan. He reminds us that we are
terrible parents, that he hates living with us, hates how stubborn we are, and hates
that WE are the reason he has to listen to what a judge thinks because we are
always calling the police on him. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">There
doesn’t seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">I
don’t want to be in the tunnel anymore.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"><span style="color: #660000; font-size: large;">I
am tired of the darkness.</span><span style="font-size: x-small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
KBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14802588088329123042noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6633729990414646270.post-90424168566938948302014-08-26T19:20:00.002-07:002014-08-26T21:35:50.043-07:00Around and Around<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">Toward the end of the first
week that he was back in school, we had this conversation:</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">I said, “I just found out
that school starts at 8:30 on Fridays.”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">“Well, for me,
it is going to start an hour and a half later because I am not
going to my painting class anymore.”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">I said, “You can’t just NOT
go to your painting class. If you don’t
want to take that class you need to have the counselor move you to a different
class.”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">“You know
what? I am really going to just drop
out. As soon as I get done with court on
Tuesday, I am not going to school anymore.
It is pointless. I can’t
graduate. Going to school is a complete
waste of time.”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">I said, “Go to school
now. Pass 4<sup>th</sup> quarter and all
of your senior year. Do packets and then
when graduation time comes, you’ll probably only be about 6 credits
behind. If you immediately go to
the Adult High School, you can probably get your diploma quickly. You’ll have the rest of the
high school experience and a high school diploma, too.”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">“I just want
to quit school. I’ll get my GED sometime
if I decide to. I want to work and get
money for my band.”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">I said, “Employers are more likely to hire you if you are in school.
They might not think you have much commitment towards a job, if you
couldn’t stay committed to school.”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">“What are you
going to do – call everyone that I apply with and tell them that I am not in
school?”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">I said, “In your interview,
you will have to answer their questions honestly. If they find out that you lied, they will
probably fire you.”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">“Are you going
to tell the judge on Tuesday that I am planning on dropping out of school?”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">I said, “I will answer all
of the questions that I am asked honestly.”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">“You just go
ahead and make my life worse than it is and tell the judge that I said
that. Because that is what you like to
do—ruin my life.”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">It seems like every
interaction and conversation just goes around and around like that.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">Even after he went to court
and was given his sentence, he was not immediately concerned about anything
that was said, except for the part that dealt with school. He started an argument with us as we left the
courthouse because we asked the probation officer to clarify the school stipulation
so that there wasn’t any confusion that would lead to arguments.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">This was his sentence:</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">95 hours of community
service completed in 60 days. (Therapy
and AA meeting hours would count).<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">No drivers license for 1
year <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">5 days in detention,
suspended <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">Drug and alcohol
counseling <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">Individual counseling <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">Meds as prescribed <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">Comply w/ DCFS <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">Reside at home <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">Screened friends <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">Fully participate in
education program <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">No drugs/alcohol or
associates who use <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">No violence or threats of
violence <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">Random drug tests<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">The probation officer gave
this clarification about fully participating in an education program: <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">“Your will stay in
school until you can provide me with information on another educational
alternative that the court will approve of. You need to come up with this alternative plan within one week.”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">As soon as we were in the
parking lot of the court house, the f-bombs began flying and he took all his
anger about the situation out on us and said, “Thanks a lot for asking him that! Now I can’t f-ing drop out of school!” <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">For days on end after that, there were tirades about parental controls on
the computer, about bedtimes, about anything that he wanted that he couldn’t
have, and of course, tirades about school.
Nothing that we did or said made him happy or was satisfactory to him in
any way.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">The situation in our home
was intolerable and we didn’t know what to do about it.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">DCFS was supposed to be
helping us with this, but when we had our weekly visits, we didn’t even dare
tell the therapist how it was honestly going because of the verbal retaliation
we would get after he left.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt;">I e-mailed this letter to
him after the next home visit:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Thanks for
volunteering to go the school counselor appointment tomorrow. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I don't know if you felt any vibes when you walked in the door today or not, be we were having a
"discussion" before you arrived and he wasn't being very nice. But, I
knew that if I said anything to you about it that, it would just get worse
after you left.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">When we left the
courthouse last week, we had just barely walked out of the building before he
was f-bombing us about how we had no right to make the probation officer say
that he had to stay in school until he came up with a plan that was acceptable
to the court for his education. He was planning on dropping out of school the
next day and was so mad when we made sure that it was clarified that he had to
keep going. We told him we were just
trying to make sure he didn't burn his bridges at the high school before he
found out whether he had to keep going to school there or not. But, he was livid with us.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He took most of it
out on my husband and said that he wasn't his dad anymore and that he never
wanted to speak to him again.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Today, after school, before you came, he turned on the computer, then came
running to me and said that a new update came out today for Starcraft and that
if he buys it this week, it is only $30.00 and he wanted me to loan him $30.00
right then. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I didn’t want to loan
him any more money. It’s one thing to do
nice things for your child when they are behaving and acting decently toward
you. I just can’t do it when he treats me the way he does. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He gets so mad, if I
don't give him what he wants, when he wants it. So when I told him I had to
think about it, he was ready to fight to the death to get me to let him have
the money right then. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He was badgering me
and badgering me to tell him exactly when I would let him know if he could have
the money because he had to get the update this week or the price was going to
go up to $60.00 and that it was stupid for me to want him to have to pay
$60.00.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I said that it had
nothing to do with my intelligence, it had to do with the fact that I either
wanted to lend him the money or not and that the ruder he was to me, the less I
wanted to let him have the money. He said that if I wasn't going to give him the
money, he had to get a backup plan before the end of the week and I told him to
get a backup plan while I was thinking about it. He said that the only backup
plan he had was to steal the money and that was why he was not going to give up
until I gave in. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">At this point, he was
starting to get irrational, and told ME that I needed to act like a grown-up, because parents are supposed to want to make their kids happy. He declared that I had taken everything away from
him that makes him happy and now I wanted to take Starcraft away from him too. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">What have I taken
away? He has his X-Box and he can hang out with certain friends, if he wants
to. His example was that I blocked Skype on the computer and he says he needs
Skype to be able to do live podcasting to people about how to play Starcraft. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I told him that the
things that he has had taken away from him have been the consequences of his
own behavior. For instance, he was looking at porn on the computer, so I
blocked everything that I could to stop him from doing things he shouldn't do online.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He does not have any
understanding that consequences are a result of HIS actions. In his mind, all consequences
are someone else's fault. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I don't even have a
problem with giving him money every now and then to get the things that he
needs or wants, but I do have a problem with him <u>demanding</u> that I do it,
with him belittling me and being rude to me to try to get what he wants. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">As far as school
goes, he thinks he will be able to drop out when the next school year starts
because he will be off probation by then.
He isn't serious about wanting to earn credits or get an education. And
as you can see, no matter what we say, or how we try to explain how it is
important for him to do it now, he won't listen. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He doesn't even
listen to his sponsor (who struggled with addiction well into his 30's). He has been through it all, can give great advice, and knows how important getting an education is. Even though he has been successful enough in
his dad's financial planning business to open his own men's sober living house, he is
going to night school, too. He wants to
get his degree and is paying the
price by going to night school, now. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">At the beginning of the sophomore year, his sponsor encouraged him to get his diploma and even offered
to give him a big fat check and a car after he graduated. At that time, our son
was excited about it and wanted to do packets and everything he could to
graduate early. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Three months later,
he lost his motivation and we are where we are right now with his attitude
about school.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I know school is a
struggle for him and I know that if he could do it on his own, through self
motivation, and desire to succeed, it would be awesome. But, he doesn't have
the motivation and even his plan to enroll in school online is just a game that he is
playing to make it look like he is complying with the educational plan. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">No matter what anyone
decrees, or says, or does, he is going to show all of us that he doesn't have
to do anything that is expected and that he is going to do whatever he wants to
do. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Thank you for all of
your help. As you can see, we need it.”</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This was the therapist’s report to the
probation officer, following the counselor's appointment:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; text-indent: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“He did not appear particularly interested in his options.
He repeatedly stated he plans to drop out of school in 5 months when he
believes court jurisdiction will be terminated. His motivation to pursue an
education is quite low despite the fact he could reasonably graduate on time with
significant effort. Family relations are strained and he appears intransigent
to problem solve when options do not include affording him the opportunity to
do exactly what he wants to do. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; text-indent: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">At this point I would not support him engaging in schooling
options that would afford him with less structure, support, and services. I
believe that he has the best opportunity to be successful at the high school,
if not a Day Treatment type setting. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; text-indent: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I am hoping that through the provision of individual
counseling he can become a customer and find some motivation to address his
needs. I will meet with the family next week to further discuss options,
expectations, and his thinking about school.”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This was my son’s report to me after
the meeting: “I am f***** until I can
drop out in 5 months. I would have done credit recovery on my own at home if
the judicial system hadn't f****** up my life.”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He said he would do packets in his
CARES class, but that he wouldn’t do anything to pass his other classes. I
said, "Why won't you do what you have to do to pass?" And he said,
"I CAN'T pass! Where have you been
the last 5 years?" <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">For the last five years, I have been helping and pushing and
believing and trying to make sure he would and could do everything that he had
to. I know he can do anything that he sets his mind to, so, why would I not think he could
pass his classes? He is very intelligent
and retains almost everything he hears and can quote it all back word for word. </span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Of course I believed he could succeed.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">But, not much could happen if only one
of us believed that. </span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Around and around we go.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
KBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14802588088329123042noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6633729990414646270.post-55585936275123596752014-04-27T20:15:00.000-07:002014-04-27T20:15:31.137-07:00After Psych<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">We had a short
meeting with the Probation Officer the day after he was released from the psych
unit.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">He was informed of his right to
have an attorney, of the charges against him, and of what to expect when he had
his court hearing.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">He was told that he
needed to be enrolled in school by the time of his hearing.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC';">The therapist at the psych unit also wrote a
letter to the school stating that it was in our son's best mental health interest to be enrolled as soon as possible.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">We went to the
High School and met with his counselor. This counselor had worked with us during his
sophomore year. He rarely took advantage
of anything that she tried to do for him.
And, since he had switched schools, going to the school meant to help
students who struggle, and hadn’t made an effort to succeed there, she didn’t
seem very excited to see him back at her school. She told us that it was too late in the
quarter to earn any credit and that we should wait until the next quarter
started. I said, “There are quite a few
reasons that he needs to be in school, but in particular, he is going to appear
in court in a few weeks and the Probation Officer wants him to be enrolled in
school by then.” When she heard that,
she left the room to go talk to the Vice Principal. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">As soon as we
were alone in her office, my son exclaimed, “I am not going to go to school if
I can’t get any credit! That is really
stupid.” <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">As if it was smart to purposely fail all of his classes during the previous two quarters at
school. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">The V.P. tried to tell my son how important it was to
take advantage of the educational opportunity that he was being given and of how essential it was to have a diploma.
But, the only thing that my son could concentrate on was the fact that
he wasn’t going to earn any credit during the rest of the quarter. As time went on he just got more and more
angry. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">On our way back
to the counselor’s office, my son told me that that he was re-thinking this
whole going to school thing.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">As if he had a
choice.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">He still thought
he should be in total control of his life, even though all of his decisions lately
had led to losing most of his free agency.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">After the schedule was set up, it was time for the last class period
of the day to start. The counselor told
him to head to class and he said, “No, I am starting school on Monday.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">She informed
him that he was officially registered and from that moment on, he would be
marked absent if he missed a class. He still
refused. She went to get the Vice
Principal and while she was gone, he turned on me, f-bombing me, and accusing me
of setting him up to have to stay at school for the rest of the day. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">That is what
happens to me in almost every situation with him that he doesn’t like. I am blamed for things that I don’t even do
or say. Even after the Vice
Principal talked to him, he would not go to his class. He did not care whether he was marked absent
or not. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">He was still upset that afternoon when the DCFS therapist came to see how things were
going. Of course, the topic of school
came up. Our son told him that he was
going back on Monday, but that it was a waste of time. The therapist pointed out that part of school is socializing
and making friends and that would be good for him to start doing.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">Our son stated, “I won’t be socializing or making friends.
I will go to school. I will come
right home. I won’t have any
friends. I will have nothing in my life
until I can move out in 18 months.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">I wanted to know
why he thought he couldn’t make friends and socialize.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">His angrily answered,
“You will never like my friends. You
have never liked my friends. The only
friends I will have are friends who smoke pot.
Those are the people that I like.
And since that is not going to change, you won’t like my friends, and I
will never be able to have any.” <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">That was unfair
of him to say because I did like most of his friends quite a bit until they
started smoking pot with him. Then, I
was just as disappointed in them as I was in my own son. I told him that I didn’t want to fight with
him about whether he could make good non-drug using friends or not. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;">His answer to that
was, “I am not fighting with you, but if you want to fight, we sure as hell can
fight.</span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: large;">I am ready.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">The DCFS
therapist told him that I didn't mean I wanted to fight, that I meant it wasn't something we should be arguing about and he tried to diffuse the situation. It was futile. As usual, once my son gets the feeling that he has been wronged in some way, he won't let it go. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">I hoped that
maybe after 10 days in the psych unit, and with all of this family therapy we were having, that we
could start to get along better. But, it
seemed to me that my son was going to continue to be angry at me, my husband, and everyone
and everything that dared to interfere with his life plan--to move out and start smoking pot again without having to live by anyone’s rules. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Kristen ITC";"><span style="font-size: large;">He was just biding his time until then.</span></span></div>
KBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14802588088329123042noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6633729990414646270.post-91067314779989936652014-02-19T22:32:00.000-08:002014-02-20T09:07:25.308-08:00Psych <div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>When I
held this child in my arms for the first time, I never thought that I would see
him in handcuffs. I never thought he
would use drugs. I never thought I would
have to put him in a rehab facility. I
never thought I would hear doctors and therapists suggest diagnoses like attachment
disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, below average brain processing speed, depression,
psychosis, explosive personality disorder, and bi-polar disorder. I never thought he would spend time in a
psych unit.<o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>At the
same time that my son was freaking out in my home, beating holes in my door,
and fighting with my husband, there was a terrible school shooting in one of the
eastern states. And, the sad thing about
that in my own life was that I couldn’t say for sure that my son wouldn’t ever attempt
something like that. When he is raging, he is totally out of control and
doesn’t think about anything but the fact that he will do anything to get the
results that he is after. You just don’t
know what it is like to see your son beat a hole through your door and then
fight with your husband, who is just trying to restrain him. I had no idea what lengths he would go to if
he thought he was being treated unfairly by us, his parents, or the world in
general. It was awful that I even had
those thoughts, but I had no idea what was going on in my son’s head.<o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>He was
given ten days by the insurance company for the doctors and therapists at the
psych unit to try to figure it out. We
were lucky to get them to allow ten days.
At first, they were only willing to let him stay for five days, which
would have been ridiculous. He was
rebellious and un-cooperative for the first five days as it was. <o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>The first
thing that his therapist, Fred, said to me was, “You have one stubborn son.”<o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>I said, “No,
I have one REALLY stubborn son.” And he
laughed and agreed with me. He expressed
empathy and compassion for what we were going through and for that fact that
nothing we had tried in the past had helped. He let us know that in ten
short days, we would be lucky to make any kind of breakthrough. <o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Family
therapy sessions were tough. For two or three days, our son was uncommunicative and sullen. The only thing he said to us was, "Will you bring me some of my own clothes? I am tired of wearing someone else's pants." Even after those first three days, he would not speak to me
or my husband unless he absolutely had to.
Then, he started “playing the game” with Fred, saying exactly what he thought
Fred wanted to hear. I expressed concern
about that and he said that he knew what my son was doing and knew
how to handle the behavior. When playing the game didn’t get immediate results—going home and getting his X-Box back—my son started
trying to manipulate me by promising to do all of the things that were on the
list that he had previously sworn he would never do. <o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Fred was
amazing and didn’t let us fall for anything that our son tried to pull. He was trying to make my son take
responsibility for himself and for his actions and not blame us for everything
that was happening to him.<o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>The
psychiatrist (I will call him Dr. Smith) spent a lot of time with my son and
after a few days told us that he was going to prescribe a new medication to
help calm my son down. This was one of the
breakthroughs that I was looking for. When
I researched the new medication online, I saw that this particular medication
was generally prescribed for bi-polar disorder.
<o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Bi-polar
disorder! I had been asking doctors for
over two years if my son had a type of bi-polar disorder. His mood swings were rapid and cycling and I
could often tell when an episode was going to end up in out of control
behavior. My concern was always just
brushed off and I was told, “No, he is not bi-polar.” And that was it. <o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>During that week of peace and quiet at home, I went
to see a movie about a young adult with
bi-polar disorder, who left a psychiatric hospital to go back home to live with
his parents. He didn’t like to take his
medication and he had raging episodes similar to the ones that my son has. It was interesting to see an episode
portrayed on a movie screen, although the rages portrayed in those scenes were
extremely MILD compared to the raging episodes that we experience in our home. <o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>So, for
me, it was validating to know that a doctor had put two and two together to
come up with the same feelings about an aspect of my son’s mental condition that I had been
having. <o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>This
diagnosis could have the potential to be life-changing for him and for us as a
family. <o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>We went
back every day during the week to meet with the therapist and psychiatrist,
followed by family therapy with our son.
Each time we met with them, they would shake their heads and empathize
with us about how hard it was to deal with our son. It did not seem like any progress was being
made. He still wouldn’t talk to us. He still played the game with them. And, he didn’t want to try to let them help
him. Every time they asked him questions
about his behavior or choices he would say, “Because, I am bored. Because, I don’t have anything in my life
that I find enjoyable. Nothing that I
used to do is fun anymore. No matter
what I try I can’t find anything to do.”<o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>And they responded with the question, “When you make the decision to be bored and to stop
trying to have fun, how does that benefit you?”
He wouldn’t answer them.<o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>As we
drew closer to the end of the week, even though nothing had really changed, the
next step was for our son to come up with a Safety Plan for what he was willing
to do to keep himself and the family safe when he came home. He was supposed to decide on certain behaviors,
expectations, and consequences. Fred
felt that it would work out better for us if our son made the plan because then
he couldn’t say, “That’s not what I agreed to do, so I don’t have to do
it.” But, he refused to try, to listen,
or to give-in on anything. Sometimes, Fred
was just dumbfounded as he saw how unreasonable my son could be. <o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>He would
send our son out of the room and give us counsel about things that we, as
parents, needed to do when he came home.
He said that we should give him his X-Box back, even though we didn’t
want to. According to him, when we take something
away, indefinitely, in our son's mind, it is the end of the world, life
is over, and he will NEVER be able to get what he lost back. He said that if we feel that we need to take
something away from him, we should take it away for a maximum of two days. <o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>He also
recommended that we put a door back on his room, since we had taken his door
off when he smoked marijuana in there.
I was only willing to give him the door with the big hole in it and the Fred thought that was a great idea. When he presented that idea to my son, his response
was, “Fine with me. As long as they like
hearing my TV blast loudly all night.” <o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>To which Fred forcefully stated, “You WILL NOT be doing that. Being disrespectful in that manner is not
going along with the right to live in your parent’s house!” <o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Of
course, the rebuttal to that was, “I don’t want to live there anyway!” And he began to spin everything in that
direction again. <o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Everything
just went around and around. We weren’t
getting anywhere and were at our wits end.
What would we do after the weekend was over and he came back home?</b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>We had just played our Psych Unit card, so
what would our next course of action be if things got out of control again?<o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>As the weekend approached, he suddenly began to cooperate and came up with ideas for his Safety
Plan, thinking that if he did what was expected at the last minute, he wouldn’t
have to stay any longer. When he asked
me if he could go home with us that night, Fred said, “It is not up to your
parents. This decision is not in their
control. I will confer with Dr. Smith
and we will determine whether you can go home after the weekend is over, or
not.” My son began to cry and begged, “Please
don’t make me stay here. It is so f-n
boring that I can’t stand it.” <o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>I hated
to see him cry. I hated that he was
going through this and that WE were all going through this. I had certainly shed my share of tears. I knew he was not having a good time there,
but I also knew that I wasn’t ready for him to come home yet.<o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>So, of
course he got angry and went back to his sulking mood saying again that he didn’t ever want to come home with us and would rather go anywhere else than to our
home. Fred told us that we might as well
leave and he would continue to try to get through to our son for awhile that
night. <o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>During
their discussion, Fred told him, “if I let you go home on Tuesday, you need to
know that you will be going back to high school and that if you screw up at
all, in any way, you will be put in residential treatment, immediately. There will be a standing order waiting for
you. And, if it was my decision, alone, I would put you in
residential treatment right now because you aren’t showing me that you have
learned a thing in the last week that you have been here.” <o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>The only
thing my son took from that statement were the words, “Residential Treatment.” I received a phone call from our son a while
later and he began begging me to say that if he was good all weekend, would I
make sure that he didn’t have to go into residential treatment next week? <o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>I just
told him that I wasn’t going to commit to anything and that I couldn’t make any
decisions, say yes, or say no to anything without his Dad, the therapist, and
the psychiatrist’s input. He hung
up on me.<o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Five
minutes later, a staff member called back and said that our son wanted to talk
to me again. My husband told him that I
wouldn’t talk to my son if he was just going to get angry when he didn’t get
the answers that he wanted and hang up on me again. The staff member talked to our son, then put him
on the line. He asked us to come and see
him the next night (there was no family therapy on weekends). I agreed, but reiterated that I would not
answer any questions about his release date or his future and that if he
started to pester me, I would just leave.
<o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>10
minutes after that, Fred called and told me that he wished he knew what was
misfiring in my son’s brain that quickly turns a good situation into a bad one and causes everything to blow up, but he didn’t know what it was. He wished that our insurance company would
let him go into residential treatment, but he knew that it wasn’t a likely option. He said that he should have left work several hours ago but was trying valiantly to make some progress with our son. Even though he wasn’t supposed to work the next day, he said he was going to go to the morning meeting and fill everyone in about our son and try
to figure out what to do with him. I
have never known any doctor or therapist who worked as hard to help our family
as Fred did in that short time. I will always be grateful
for all of the extra time that he spent with us. I wished we could have continued therapy with
him on the outside because he has been the only person who seemed to be able to
see past the games and the acting and try to get to the root of the problem. <o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>At the end of our
weekend visit with our son, where we brought him fast food and played Uno, he
actually initiated and gave me and my husband hugs when it was time for us to
leave. Wow! </b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>We had
a fairly good time with him, but part of me didn’t trust that. How would I know that it wasn’t just part of
the act that he puts on to try to get his way?
But, then again, maybe a week in the psych unit taught him that it wasn’t
as bad at home as he thought it was.<o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>On
Monday, I found out that no matter what argument or diagnosis or reason that
Fred and Dr. Smith had for putting our son in residential treatment, the
insurance company would not budge and would not cover a stay in the
facility, or even Day Treatment. It made me upset that our
health insurance, which we had not downgraded or changed in anyway in the last
three years, no longer covers any residential or day treatment for mental
health or substance abuse. Somehow they
secretly red-lined that coverage without our knowing it. Nothing was said about that change in
coverage when we renewed at higher and higher rates every year. <o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">The
honeymoon period of good weekend behavior was certainly over on Monday
night.</span><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">Once our son found out he wasn’t
going to residential treatment, he was ready to be a jerk again.</span><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">He didn’t know that it was not allowed by the
insurance company, he just knew that he wasn’t going at that point.</span><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">But, Fred did his best to put a stop to the
rotten attitude by telling our son that if he didn’t shut up and listen and let
us come up with a plan, he was going to change his mind about discharging him the next day.</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';">The hour
was over way too quickly and he sent our son out of the room to give us a last few
minutes of reassurance and advice.
He hoped that our son would follow the rules and everything that we were
working on for the Safety Plan, but he had reservations and he told us</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">…</span><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';">”This is off the record. I will deny that I ever said this to
you. But, you do have a choice
tomorrow. If you choose not to come and
pick him up, he will become a ward of the state. You will be charged with abandonment, but with
all that you have gone through, and all of the information that we can release from the records of his stay here, it won’t be that bad for you and you won’t
have to deal with him anymore. I can say
that I would not think badly of you if you did this. I don’t know if anything that we have done
here in the last week has helped him and I don’t want to send you home with the idea that things have been fixed because they probably haven't been.”<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: x-large;"><br /></b>
<b style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;">I almost started to cry as he was
talking. How could I possibly do
that? Would I ever really be at that point?</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>I asked
Fred if we could meet again for awhile before I took my son home the next day and
he said, “Yes, I think we should.” He set it up for 1:00 p.m. and I said, “Are
you blocking out 3 hours?” He laughed
and said he thought we would probably need that much, knowing us. Then, he sent us to a room with our son to
try to finish the going-home plan without his assistance, since we hadn’t made
enough progress on it during our session.<o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Our Safety Plan
turned out to be different than the one that Fred was suggesting, but we had to get our son to agree to something, so we took what we could get. And then, he actually hugged us again when we left. <o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>That
night, I either got the stomach-flu or food poisoning or both. I was so sick all night long. The next morning, I had to go check my son out of the
psych unit alone because my husband couldn’t miss work. I don't know how I managed it, but I pretended that I wasn’t sick the
whole time that I was at the facility. </b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Fred
told me that if we have to go through this again, he would make sure that he was
our son’s therapist and that he would do everything in his power to make sure
that if necessary (and because it was the last resort) our son would get admitted to the State Mental Hospital. </b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>I had just been wondering why anyone hadn’t
ever mentioned the State Hospital and was glad to have him alleviate my fears about having no other options. </b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>He powered through everything again with my
son about what was expected of him at home. My son was quietly submissive and agreed to comply with everything. <o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>I was terrified to take him home. I knew that my son still felt that everything that had happened was not his fault and blamed us for all of it. I was so sick and felt so awful that I knew I could not handle it if he freaked out when we got home. </b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">I let him know that I planned on going straight to bed when we got home and he said he intended to immediately begin playing the X-Box. But, surprisingly, he asked me
what chore I wanted him to do first. </span><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">And, he did one. </span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>That was unexpected. <o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Maybe things
were going to be okay.<o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';">Yeah, right</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">…</span></span><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"><span style="font-size: large;">..maybe.</span><span style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
KBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14802588088329123042noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6633729990414646270.post-65290298916897307232013-07-09T21:59:00.000-07:002013-07-09T22:02:47.907-07:00Saturday Night #2<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">11:00 p.m., Saturday night. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">Once
again, my son began the argument that he should be allowed to stay up late in the
office playing Starcraft.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">The answer
was no, of course. We weren’t about to start relaxing the rules for him. But, no matter
how many times he asked why, and no matter how many times we gave him an
answer, as long as he wasn’t getting the answer that he wanted, he continued to
badger us. As far as he was concerned,
he wasn’t going to quit until he got what he wanted.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">Some
people might wonder why we just didn’t give in and avoid another conflict like
the one we had the week before. In
hindsight, I often think about what might have happened if we had. I just know that it is his pattern to push
and push and push until we get so tired of the argument that we let him have
his way. But, that doesn’t happen very
often and when it does, it is on a small thing like buying an energy drink at
the gas station, not having a privilege returned that he hadn’t even expended
any energy to earn back. We weren't going to let him push us to do something that we didn't feel good about. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">Once
again, my answer was: “No, you cannot
stay up after we go to bed. Just a few
weeks ago, you smoked pot in the basement when you were supposedly in the
office playing Starcraft. You aren't allowed to be downstairs after we have gone to bed anymore. I gave you this exact same answer last week
and nothing has changed since then.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">He ardently
argued that he had been “good” all week and that he should be rewarded for that. It was true that we hadn’t had any real problems with him, but the reason for that was mostly because he
wasn’t speaking to us and we had been walking in circles around him just trying to
avoid having to talk to him. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';">The hospital case worker and DCFS therapist each told him to work on the list of expectations in order to start earning trust back. But, when we pointed out that not one single attempt was made to clean his room, help around the house, or apologize for the awful things that he had said and done, h</span><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';">e said
that he didn’t have to do any of that stuff and that none of it was his
idea. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';">We asked him to tell us what his ideas were. He wouldn't do it. Instead, he insisted</span><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"> that WE make a completely different list and then he would let us know if he approved of anything on
it.</span><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">To get
him to be quiet for a few minutes, we actually left him in his room and went downstairs to brainstorm some new ideas. We hoped that things would settle down and that maybe this would put an end to this episode. But, it was hard to come up with anything
that we knew he would do. I think he
wanted a list of easy things like: take a shower, comb your hair, eat food, and
breathe. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">And so,
when we read him our newest rendition--which included all previous items and more new ones, he said all of it was B.S. and told us to get out of his room and f*** off. He announced that he was going to get out of our house as soon as he could and we could plan on him being an a** hole until he did.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';">We took him up on the getting out of his room and thought </span><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';">maybe we had gotten off easy this time.</span><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"> </span><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';">We were more than happy to leave him alone, even
if we didn’t like the way he had requested it.</span><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';"> One of the reasons he was in the position he was in was for telling me to F*** off and here he was, doing it again. It wasn't like </span><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy';">his acting like an a** hole was going to be such a new and
different experience for us, since he had been acting like that most of the
time lately, anyway.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">We
enjoyed some quiet time for about 10 minutes. Then, all of a sudden, our son came out of his room and told us that he was going to go live somewhere else and insisted that we were NOT
to call the police when he left. He said, "You told me to leave, if I didn’t like it here, so you can't call the police if I do what you told me to do." My husband reminded
him that we also said we would have to know where he was going and that we would have to talk to the parents to verify that he had permission to stay there. If he just left and if we had no idea where
he was, then we would have to report him as a runaway. Our son freaked out about that and said that
we were liars who said he could leave one minute and in the next we were telling him that he couldn't.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">Now he
was so angry that the escalation of this blow-up was imminent. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">This time
it was worse than it was the last week.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">He was
screaming, calling us names, and losing control. It was a little frightening and my husband
and I decided that we should go into our room so that we could lock the door
and get away from him before things got too heated. But, our son kept stepping in front of my husband
to block his way. Finally, my
husband went to push him out of the way and our son used one of the moves he
had learned in Tae Kwon Do and got my husband in a headlock. Well, even though the TKD maneuver worked, my
husband was a lot bigger and stronger than my son at that time and he just twisted out of
it, shoved our son into his room, came into ours, and locked the door.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">The next
thing we knew, our son was punching his way into our room, THROUGH the
door! He had put a shirt over his hand and was in the process of beating a hole in my bedroom door!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">He was yelling that he wasn’t finished talking to us and we needed to stop being
pussies and come out and face him. He
said that if we weren’t going to let him move out, then he would rather be dead
because that would be better than living here, bored out of his mind for one
more day of his life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">Since we
didn’t want him to do any more damage to our house than he was already doing
and we didn’t feel good about that last comment at all, my husband opened the
door to stop our son from hurting himself or the rest of the house, and grabbed him and took him
down to the floor and held him there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">Our son
was so entrenched in the battle that it seemed more about the battle than
anything else at this point. He swore
and yelled and threatened and fought. He wouldn't settle down. We felt that we had no choice but to call for reinforcements. Once again, the police were summoned to our
house. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">It seemed
like an eternity until they arrived. They ended the struggle between my son and my husband. One officer took my
husband into our bedroom and the other one took my son into his bedroom where they each answered questions about the night’s events.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">As they
talked with us about whether we wanted him taken to Youth Services or the
hospital again, he yelled down the stairs that he just wanted ME to drive him
to Youth Services. I said that I was not
willing to drive him anywhere by myself.
My son just kept yelling and begging me to do it and finally the officer
told him to shut up and go sit on his bed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">My son
told him NO and said that he was going to just stand in the hall. Then, the officer grabbed him, swore at him,
handcuffed him, and put him on his bed.
I could not believe that he had the nerve to defy a police officer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">The
officer apologized to me for swearing and I said, “No problem. You just got to see what we go through every
single day.” He said he was sorry for
us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">It was
finally decided that one of the officers would drive him to the hospital for us
since we probably wouldn’t get the help that we needed from Youth
Services. We hoped that the E.R. would take
him as a follow-up patient from the time we were there a week ago. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">While we
waited for the doctor, the case worker, the blood tests, and everything else
that you wait and wait for in the E.R., my son’s emotions and actions were all
over the place. He went from not talking
at all, to crying and being apologetic, to being so mad that he kicked us out
of his room, to saying how he loved me and didn’t hate his Dad, to saying that
he was never coming home again and he never wanted to see us again, to wanting
us to tell his nephew not to forget about him.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">His blood
test showed a positive result for Benzodiazapenes.
He claimed to not know how he could have them in his system and was sure
that the blood test was wrong. I thought
he might have gotten something from someone that night while we were gone. It certainly made sense that he was on something, given the way he became
as agitated as he was when he was punching a hole through a door. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">Fortunately,
the same case worker was on call this week in the E.R. I think it helped that he was already
familiar with our situation. With the
positive drug test results and the diagnosis of Explosive Personality Disorder along
with Major Depression, and the fact that he had said he would rather be dead
than have to live with us in our house, it seemed obvious that there was no
choice this time, but to have him admitted to a short term psychiatric unit. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">During
the long hours that it took to make the arrangements, our son finally settled
down and became resigned to the fact that he was going back to the same facility
that he had been at for rehab. He
summoned me into his room and tried to make a deal with me. He seriously wanted me to agree that when he
got released, if, for one week, he did the list of things that we had made, would
I guarantee that he would be able to get the X-Box privileges back? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">Holy
Cow. NOW, he wanted to do the things on
the list? Good timing. He couldn’t have decided that this was a good
idea before he said that he would rather be dead, got into an altercation with
his Dad, and ruined my bedroom door? I
told him that I wasn’t going to guarantee anything and when I wouldn’t tell him
what he wanted to hear, he just got more and more frustrated with me and wasn't as broken-hearted as we was a few minutes before. I was the b****y mom again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">I was so
tired of the drama that it was a relief to have the ambulance crew arrive to
take him to the facility. It had been a
long night. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">Now, we
could only hope that the professionals at the psych unit would be able to figure out what to do with him
and how to help him because we just couldn’t keep going through this week after
week. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">I am so
tired of this trial. I know I am
supposed to understand that addiction and all of the behaviors that go along
with it are a life-long battle. I know I
am supposed to understand that my son’s issues with Oppositional Defiant
Disorder, ADHD, no motivation, attachment disorder, trauma from the womb, etc. contribute
to his behavior and that I am supposed to love him through it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">But,
right now, all that I know is that I am very exhausted.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">And very sad.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: large;">I cried all the way home.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
KBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14802588088329123042noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6633729990414646270.post-51388429681381233542013-06-09T04:59:00.000-07:002013-06-09T04:59:39.404-07:00One Week in the Life...<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">This is what the week after our Police/Emergency Room night was like:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">Monday: I have notes on several pages with phone
numbers and places that I had been calling for weeks to try to find a way to get my son into some
kind of affordable substance abuse treatment program. I wasn’t going to just sit back and say,
“Okay, he smoked pot and I stopped him.
He won’t do it again.” I wanted
him to get some intensive treatment to see if we could get him back to the
point that he seemed to be at a year and a half before. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">One of
the places that I found that might have a place for him was at Youth Services. But, the soonest that I could get an
appointment for an evaluation was FIVE weeks after I called them! No problem, right? You find out your kid is using drugs again
and you happily wait five weeks to see if you can get him some help. I don’t understand what parents are expected
to do in the meantime. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">Now that we had a DCFS therapist who had connections, we were able to get an
evaluation a little bit sooner. Miraculously, this appointment just happened to be </span><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">the
day after we came home from that crazy mid-night at the E.R. </span><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">I was so hopeful that this could
be a turning point where our son and our family would get help, and that somehow we could move
toward a better future.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">We met
with a social worker who interviewed my son and I together, then
separately. My session was last. She listened to me tell her everything that
has been going on, how awful it was at home, that he relapsed on pot, that I
don’t want his drug use to spiral out of control like it did before, and that I
wanted him to get into a program as soon as possible. And then she informed me that since HE only
admitted to smoking pot three times, he did not qualify for their Substance
Abuse Day Treatment Program. I just
wanted to scream, but I said, “Even though you and I both know that he is lying
and that he was probably using for a month or more?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">She said,
“Yes, but we will do a drug urine test just in case. If he has used in the last two weeks, we will
know and that could change my decision.”
She said that she knew it was obvious that he needed help but was sorry
that he didn’t qualify for their program.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">Awesome. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">I had spent
the last several weeks playing “warden mom”, doing everything in my power to
keep him at home, to keep him safe from doing drugs, and what did I get for
that diligence? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">Unqualified. Nobody
told me that while we waited for the evaluation appointment, I should let him self-destruct and smoke all the pot he wanted. Heaven forbid that I should try to protect my
child. In trying to protect him, I
ruined his chances for acceptance into a program that might have helped him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">His urine
test came back clean. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">No kidding. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">Tuesday: I called the Addiction Recovery Center for
Healing. I had been referred to this
establishment by our Church Bishop. I turned
to him as a possible source to find a place for my son to go when things got so bad at our house a few weeks
before. It took him this long to get back to me, but finally, he gave me the connection to this facility and told me
that he had talked to them and they were willing to take my son on a weekly therapy basis. Of course, when I called, I just was sent straight to voice mail and I
had to leave a message and then wait for someone to call me back. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">That day,
I tried to contact one of my senior citizen ladies to see how she was doing and
found out that her telephone was disconnected.
This frustrated me because it meant she hadn’t paid her bill. When I get a lot going on in my life and I
don’t have time to spend at least one day a week with her, she tends to shut
down and doesn’t do anything but sit and sleep.
I felt really bad that I hadn’t been able to spend as much time with her
as I needed to, but it was very hard to always have to be home with my son and also be able to take care of her, too. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">I felt like I was going to have a nervous-breakdown. When my husband
came home from work, I began to cry and was sobbing to him about everything—that nobody would help us, people wouldn’t return phone calls, senior
citizens couldn’t function without me, etc.
I looked up at the sky and said, “I feel like telling God that if You
want me to take care of my two senior citizen ladies, then You’ve got to get
me some help for my son because I just can’t do it all.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">And just
as I said that, my phone rang. It was my
return phone call from A.R.C.H. I
thought the Twilight Zone theme song should have started playing right
then, but was also thankful that heaven was sending a little bit of help. The director who returned my call
listened to me talk about the struggles that we have been having with our son. I told him that in addition to the addiction
issues, he needed intensive help with depression, mood, anger, defiance, and hating
his parents. He was understanding and scheduled an appointment
for us in two days for an evaluation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">Wednesday:</span><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">My son, our DCFS therapist, and I met with
the principal and psychologist at the alternative high school that he had been attending
since August.</span><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">He was not enrolled at
that time because he had been dropped for having failing grades right after
midterms.</span><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">Our
DCFS therapist informed my son that we had to come up with some kind of educational
plan. I was glad that it was someone else
acting as the enforcer when it came to the topic of school. We spent two hours there and came up with
this—my son adamantly refused to re-enroll at that particular high school for the next
quarter. I guess smaller classes, four hours of school a day, only four days a week, and three less credits
required to graduate were not incentive enough to give it another try.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">He didn't want to go to school at all, but said that if he had to, he would go back to the boundary high school. This is the high school that he stopped going to after half of his sophomore year. They had referred him to court for truancy and told me that I had to put him in the alternative high school. And now, I had to try to get them to take him back. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">While he was having a private conversation
with the DCFS therapist, I called the high school to find out what I had to do
to get him re-admitted. When I told him that I had spoken to the vice-principal, he stated, “DON’T you sign me up for
school without MY permission because I am NOT going to school unless I get the
X-Box back. I am not adding one more
thing that is not fun in my life, until I get something back that IS fun.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">Without
his permission?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">It is so
exasperating to have this child think that he is pulling all the strings and know that he expects US to only do WHAT HE ALLOWS US TO DO!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">Of course,
I explained that he would be re-enrolled as soon as possible whether he liked
it or not, and then HE explained in a not-so-nice way that he would not go
unless his conditions were met.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">The DCFS
therapist tried to get him to realize that if he would just make an effort to
make amends and engage in basic family expectations, he would
be able to have a better home life with us. He showed me a list of three things that our son supposedly had agreed to do to start working toward getting privileges back. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">1. Apologize to mom.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">2. Help
out around the house/do chores without being asked. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">3. Be nice in speech and no swearing at us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">I could
only hope that he would do those three things and I suggested that we add: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">4. Be honest.
(I was tired of the lying and empty promises).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">5. Go to AA.
(Because he had stopped going to AA ever since he relapsed and I knew
that it was so very important that he get back to those meetings soon).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">This is what he had to say about the first one: “You have no room to talk about being
honest. You and Dad told me the ultimate
lie when you put me in rehab and you will never be able to make up for that.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">He always
tries to go for the jugular and defer the topic away from himself. My husband has always said that he didn’t
care if our son hated us for the rest of his life for putting him in rehab—he did
it to save his life and he would do it again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">But, it
sure is hard to be hated and to know that he will probably
never thank us for what we did for him.
Instead, he will continue to convince himself that he can never forgive
us for it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">Thursday: We were on our way to ARCH to see what kind
of therapy they could provide for him and he said, “I will not go to a new
place that I have never been to if there are locks on the doors. You have to be able to go in and out without
someone unlocking the door for you, or I won’t go in.” I told him that it wasn’t residential
treatment and he said, “Yeah, like I can believe you.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">When we
arrived, I think he was genuinely surprised that it really wasn’t a residential
treatment facility. We met with a
therapist and once again we told our sides of the story to her. She was very young and I was worried that if
she were his addiction counselor, he would walk all over her and not let her help
him. But, I was assured that she was really good at dealing with defiant kids. She talked to him about a process called
Neuro-feedback where his brain would be mapped and then targeted in the areas that needed re-focusing and strengthening. This would help with impulse control,
addiction, ADHD, sleep, and any other area that he was struggling in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">And just as I expected, he told me how stupid the whole
place was and how therapy and Neuro-feedback were going to be a big waste of
time and money.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">I don’t
know how much therapy helps him. I am sure that he sits there and says what he thinks the therapists want to hear, refuses to
open himself up to them, and resists any of their suggestions or ideas. But, I am just not willing to stop trying
the therapy route. I know how bad everything
is now. I don’t know how much worse it could be if we stopped it and I am afraid to find out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">Friday: I spoke with the director at ARCH. He explained more to me about the
addiction counseling that my son would receive.
He gave more details about the process of Neuro-Feedback, and said that we
would also be able to have family counseling, too. He thought they could help my son
and he set up a week’s worth of therapy and Neuro-feedback
sessions to get us started. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">Other
than that, it was a slow day with no appointments, evaluations, or events. It was nice to have one day that didn't revolve around my son. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">I had no
idea that it was the calm before the storm. </span><span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">I should
have known. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">Once
again—I thought we had seen the worst and that we couldn’t hit any more rock
bottom than we already had. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">And I was
wrong.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">Saturday: We spent the evening babysitting one of our
grandson’s. Being with sweet, innocent
babies always makes the world seem a little bit better for a while. I don’t know what I would have done during
the last few years without the joy that the grandsons have brought into this crazy life I live.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">And then, two hours
after we got home, our world began to spin out of control.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'CK Cindy'; font-size: 14pt;">Again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
KBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14802588088329123042noreply@blogger.com0