Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Finding Out the Truth (part 1)

We had an emergency meeting the next day with the therapist.  She convinced my son to give living with us another try.  He says he will take it one week at a time.

Taking it one week at a time will be fine as long as he is not just waiting for that one week when nothing goes right and he feels it is going to be a good time to start using again, whether it is during his outpatient treatment, or when he is released. 

It worries me so much.

While unpacking his bags, the next day, I found several packets of papers that were very enlightening and disturbing.  I did not tell my son that I found these papers and that I read them.  I made copies and put them back with his notebooks as if I had not gone through them.

The first thing that I read was a Drug History Worksheet.  I think he completed this before writing his Drug History Letter sometime during his first few weeks of residential treatment.

1.  How old were you when you first started to use drugs?  Identify the three most important reasons why you decided to use.14.  I was angry.  I was bored, and I was pressured from friends.
2.  Who were you with when you first used drugs and where did this occur?  How did you get the drugs?My friend had some and we did it at his house.
3.  How did you feel physically and emotionally when you used for the first time?  What were you feeling afterward?I felt great tripping.   I just had a really bad headache afterward.
4.  Why did you continue to use?  What influenced your decision?I enjoyed being high and I was really bored.
5.  Explain the progression of your use.  Describe what led to you increasing or decreasing the amount you used or how often you used.  Describe the periods of time when you were using the most frequently or the highest amount.I always used in the morning, some weed or coke, more during school and a lot when I got home.
6.  What was the most you have used in a 24 hour period of time?A ton of weed, shrooms, and alcohol.
7.  What drugs have you used at the same time and what led to your decision to combine drugs?Alcohol, x, pot, cigarettes.  I wanted to be really high.
8.  How did you hide and cover up your use?  (at home, at school, from friends)Told my parents I was going somewhere with friends or I didn’t hide it and just came home stoned.
(At this point he had to list all the drugs he has used including alcohol and tobacco, what age and grade he started using, all the ways he has used the drug, how often he used it, and all of the places he used it.)
Tobacco & cigarettes, age 12, 7th grade, smoking, 2-10 a day, home, school, streets
Alcohol, age 12, 7th grade, drinking, 4-5 times a week, 2-3 times a day, home, parties
Pot, age 13, 8th grade, eating, smoking, 2-3 times a day, home, school, parties
Mushrooms, age 14, 9th grade, eating, 2-3 times a week, home, school, raves
Cocaine, age 14,  9th grade, sniffing
X, age 14, 9th grade, sniff, swallow, 3-4 times a week, raves, home                                            
Liquid GHB, age 14, 9th grade, drink, 1 a week, raves                           
Lortab, Adderal, Ritalin, age 13, 8th grade, swallow, 1 a week, raves, home                            
9.  What is your favorite drug?  Why is this drug your favorite?Cocaine.  It’s easy to hide, easy to use.
10.  What have you done to stop using drugs or to use less?Nothing
11.  What negative things have happened to you because of your drug use?  Write about how it affected friends, family, self-esteem, legal problems, health, sleep, etc.It screwed up my family life and got me stuck in this sh#* hole.
12.  What risks have you taken to use drugs or because you were under the influence?I could have OD’d or I could have been sold bad drugs.
13.  What benefits did you believe you got from using drugs?It is fun and it is something to do.
14.  How much were you spending each week on drugs?  If you had to buy all the drugs that you used, how much would they likely cost?50-70 a week.  I got a lot of my stuff for free and I dealt for my dealers.
15.  Have you ever given or sold drugs to others?  What drugs did you give or sell?  How much did you make?I was paid in drugs.  I sold everything I have done and DMT
16.  Have you ever helped someone else get hooked on using drugs?  If so, how do you feel about this?Yes.  I feel like crap.
17.  What reasons do you have to stop using?  How important is it for you to stop using?  Explain your answer.If I stop using I could fix the relationship I have with my parents but right now it is not very important to me.
18.  What needs to change in your life to help you stop using drugs (friends, job, school, values)?Nothing needs to change.  I just need to decide to stop using.
19.  At this time in your life, how would you be able to take care of yourself without relying on any support from your parents?Not very well.
In the beginning, we thought that he had a problem with marijuana.  Then, after we heard his drug history, we knew that it was much more than that.  Seeing it in writing and seeing how it progressed just makes me sick inside.  I wondered how he hadn’t overdosed, hadn’t caused more damage to himself, hadn’t been in trouble with the law, or hadn’t died.

I want to know whose house he was at when he was 12 and started drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes.  Where did he get the over the counter medications?  I want to know what friend got him started with pot.  I wonder when he could possibly have gone to parties and raves.  I am just shocked that he dealt drugs to other kids.  Not only did he put himself at risk by using drugs, he put others at risk, too.

What happened to my boy?  Is he still in there somewhere?  Will I ever feel like I know him again? 

I want him to be whole and well and to commit to staying clean and sober for the rest of his life.  But, I know that is not how battling addiction works.

He has so much more to overcome than we ever imagined. 

We have so much more to overcome as a family.

But we are just the support team. 

The rest is up to him.

God, please help him.

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