ALONE and AFRAID

I hadn’t gotten to the point where I felt good about leaving my son home alone.  Which meant that if I had to go somewhere at any time that he was home, I had to either take him with me, or wait until my husband got home, so that I could go without him.  

I didn't know how to just start trusting him to be home alone after all that has happened.  I had trusted him completely before I knew that he used drugs.  Now, I have this huge fear that something, or someone, or some situation is going to cause him to relapse.  I just wanted to keep him protected.

But, eventually, there had to come a time when I would have no choice but to leave him home by himself. 

One afternoon, I had to take someone to get an X-ray.  My son refused to go with me and I had to let go and try to trust.  I wish I would have come up with a plan for this situation, but it was an emergency and I didn't even have time to think. 

I was between a rock and a hard place.  I knew that if I insisted that he go with me, we would have a big war about how I didn't trust him to stay home.

I should have been smart enough to say, “Fine, you can stay alone, but I will be drug-testing you tonight.” 

I didn’t do that.  Why didn't I do that? 

During the 3 hours that I was gone, I called him twice, but since I couldn’t see him, how would I know whether he was as fine as he said he was? Or what “fine” even meant.

When we went to dinner and a movie as a family later that night, he sure acted a lot more closed off than he had been lately and I noticed that his eyes were REALLY red.  I don’t know what his eyes looked like before I left. I still forget to look him in the eye as much as I should.

I know the logical thing would have been to drug test him that night.  I wish I would have.  But, there is a part of me that now lives in fear of out-of-control reactions over a drug test. 

I pictured this: “I can’t believe you couldn’t trust me to be alone after all this time.  You will never have any f-in trust for me.  You are always going to treat me like I am two years old.  This is B.S. etc., etc., etc.”

Here I am the parent and I am afraid of my own child’s reactions so much, that I don't do the right thing when I really need to—like drug test him when I feel like I should.  I just don't know how to be the parent of a recovering teenage addict. 

It's too darn hard.

And then, two days later, he wanted to stay home alone again for 2 hours, while my husband and I were at church.  He is a master manipulator who takes one experience and then uses it to his advantage another time until he gets to do things that you never intended to let him do--like stay home from church.  But, his reasoning for finally being able to skip church was: “I stayed home alone on Friday with no problems and I should be allowed to stay home alone again."

 

I had no way of knowing if he was telling the truth about staying home alone on Friday with no problems or not because I dropped the ball on drug testing him.

I am afraid that I won't be able to trust him again soon enough for him.  I am afraid that I can't be the parent that he needs me to be, or that I need to be.  I am afraid of his reactions.

I have to get over all the fear.

How hard can it be?

For me?

Very hard.