Still Going Backward

The next day he was not speaking to me and was still just as mad about the incident as he was the day before.  It was still all my fault.  Usually, the next day, or shortly after a blow-up, he realizes that he had a part in it and he apologizes and things get better for awhile.

Not this time.

So, first, I gave him the words to a song that I had just heard and thought how incredible it was that it explained almost exactly how I was feeling.

The song, “We All Bleed Red” is by Ronnie Dunn, formerly of Brooks and Dunn.  It is his first solo single.  I wish I could put the lyrics on my blog, but I don’t have permission at this point to use them, so please go to the link below to watch the music video and read the words to the song.  They are very compelling and I thought they would be perfect to get through to my son about how if we are fighting with each other we are both losing in so many ways.

http://www.onlylyrics.com/hits.php?grid=8&id=1060230

 

Unfortunately, it seemed as if reading the words to that song had no impact on him.  He was holding on to his anger with a tight fist.  Next, I wrote him a letter.  Sometimes, I can explain my feelings so much better in writing than verbally. 

Obviously, right?

This is the letter:

“I don’t really get what is going on. 

I gave you those song words because they really meant a lot to me in this situation and I hoped that they would mean a lot to you, too.

“If we’re  arguing, we’re both losing.”

I never meant to have a fight with you and I don’t really think it was a fight or an argument or a blowup at first.  I feel that it turned into something when your behavior got snotty and your attitude turned into freaked out and you started swearing up a storm.

I was trying to have a discussion with you and ask you questions and try to figure out how you made your decision because it sure seemed to come out of the blue and wasn’t what I really thought you wanted to do.  Every time I talked to you about TKD before, you said you wanted to get the 2 new sticks and that you wanted to go to sparring and that you didn’t think you were going to have a hard time getting back into it.  It gives you an activity to do that isn’t sitting around the house and it is something that you are really good at.

I thought that your “poo” and “hunting” analogies were really just smart aleck, snotty things to say that seemed to be trying to instigate a blowup because then, if there was a blowup, everything would be my fault, even quitting TKD. 

It is and was right for me to try to figure things out with you and help both of us come to the conclusion that what you were deciding is either the right thing at the time or something that might need more consideration before a final decision is made.  That is what parents do.

I didn’t want you playing the X-box while you were saying snotty things and while I was trying to have a discussion with you.  But, as soon as someone tells you that you can’t play the X-box, you just go storming off to your room as if the world has ended.

That is when I yelled up the stairs at you and tried to get you to come back down.  Because storming off isn’t the way to resolve anything and it was rude.

You say I was freaking out, but I wasn’t.  I was working very hard to stay calm.  But, I lose my temper when someone walks away from me.

Then you started swearing and throwing out all kinds of crappy language, and that is when I got more upset.

And I yelled at you to shut up.  So, yeah.  I was wrong.  I yelled.  I should have to have a consequence for that.  I can accept that.  But, I don’t think my consequence should have to be getting sworn at and called names.  I will make you a cake or clean the shower for you, but I won’t accept getting sworn at.  I didn’t swear at you.

Calling me a b*&%$ was very mean.

How nice of you to call me a b*&%$ for caring about you and for trying to make sure you were making a good decision about TKD.

I never “provoked” you into name calling and throwing out every F bomb you could conjure up that night.

Telling you not to play the X-box while a snotty attitude is coming forth from you isn’t provoking you.

Dad telling us both to take a time out isn’t provoking you.

Us, trying to do the right things for you and with you isn’t provoking you.

It seems like something else could be going on in your head (that only you can see and feel and that you aren’t telling us about in words) might be provoking you, but you can’t lay that on me or on Dad.

It is my opinion that something else contributed to blowing that whole night all out of proportion to you because it doesn’t really seem like something that should have ended up in all the swearing and freaking out that you did. 

Previously, you decided that for swearing you would do chores.  And when you agreed on that, we said that even if you thought you had the right to swear in a situation, that you would do chores for swearing anyway.  You decided on the consequence and you agreed that there were no qualifications for getting out of it.  If you put the qualification on it that you can swear any time you feel you are “provoked”, then the consequences for swearing are going to have to change.

Swearing doesn’t do anything, but show that you are mad.  Wow.  You can drop F-bombs and call your mom names and say bull@#%*.  It doesn’t change anything and it just brings more doom and gloom into the house and makes conflicts even worse.

How about if you show how you are changing and trying to make better choices in your life by showing that you can control that, too?

We kind of think that one thing that might going on with you is that you aren’t progressing as fast as you want to.   And when it doesn’t work out that you can probe every time that you think you are going to be ready to, you get mad. 

You know that there are certain things that you have to do in order to progress and in order to probe.  Instead of just putting them off and hoping that everyone will just “see” that you are ready, why not do the assignments and “show” that you are ready?  We are more than happy to help you with getting your assignments done, if you just ask us for help.  We won’t do them for you, of course, but we will gladly offer assistance.

I think that by accepting that you have responsibilities and just acting on them and making sure that they get done, you’ll be a lot happier.  Just radically accept that you have some chores to do, and do them.  Just radically accept that you have some assignments to do and do them.  Don’t put them off until later because later just never seems to happen.

We hope you will make progress.  We hope things will get better.  We hope our whole family’s life will get better.  We hope that we can have peace and happiness with you in our home.  We hope that when there are things that we want to talk about and discuss with you that we can do it without having them blow up into a big unnecessary conflict.  We hope that you will have respect for us by not saying rude, mean things and not filling our house with all kinds of bad language.  We hope that you will get over being mad so that we can get back to the nicer times that we were having.

I don’t know what else to say. 

So I will end with more words to the song.

(The words that I ended with were about saying sorry before it is too late and taking a chance at forgiveness; letting anger slip away; how we all sometimes lose track of where we need to be; how sometimes we all say things we regret later; sometimes we get hurt, but what hurts him hurts me and what hurts me hurts him; and how much my world revolves around him…)
 
You are my child.  I love you so much.  All this awfulness that keeps happening hurts all of us so much.

Let the hurt and anger just slip through your hands, okay?
 
Mom”

I recently heard someone say, “It will all work out in the end—it’s the middle part that’s the hard part.”

This is the longest, hardest middle part. 

It is not getting any easier.

The end isn’t even in sight.

2 Steps Back, Again

One evening, out of the blue, he told me that he was quitting Tae Kwon Do.

Everything spun out of control from that moment on.

I wanted to understand why and how he came to that decision all of a sudden.  I tried to talk to him about it.  I definitely wasn’t trying to start a fight.  I simply had not expected him to say that he wanted to quit. 

When he came home from residential treatment, I gave him the option to start back into Tae Kwon Do the next month, keep it on hold, or quit.  He wanted to start back as soon as he could.  I thought he liked the thought that Tae Kwon Do was something totally different from the rehab experience and was fun and challenging.

But, the next month, he only went twice.  He always came up with reasons not to go like being too tired, too sick, or having too much homework.

I didn’t really feel like he had gone enough times to determine whether he still wanted to keep doing it or not.

When I said that, though, he responded by asking me if I tasted poo, would I give it more chances to see if I liked it or not? 

I should have just walked away at that point. I should have seen how ridiculous everything was going to get.

Instead, I said that I just wanted to talk about this instead of just hearing “I am quitting.”

So, he tried another absurd analogy.  Apparently, if he needs to give Tae Kwon Do some more chances, then I should have to try hunting with my husband again since I quit hunting with him (at least 20 years ago!). 

I almost didn’t even know how to respond to that, so he took my silence as an excuse to end the conversation.  He started getting ready to play the X-box.

I told him that while we were discussing this and while he was acting like he was, I didn’t want him to play the X-box.  He got mad and charged up the stairs, swearing his head off.  I even heard myself referred to as a b!#@& in the tirade.  I shouted after him that I wanted him to come back so we could finish talking and he said that HE was finished talking about it--in all kinds of colorful language.

I wasn’t really yelling up the stairs, it was more like pleading loudly because I didn’t understand why he was acting like he was and I didn’t want it to end like that.  I wanted a peaceful resolution.

My husband walked in at that moment and told us both that it sounded like we needed a time out.  But, my son wouldn’t even let him finish talking and started swearing at him, too.

Then, I did yell.  I told him to shut up! 

He said that I was freaking out about him quitting Tae Kwon Do, but I wasn’t.  I thought I was doing a fabulous job of being calm in the face of absurdity. 

I guess wanting to understand a decision is freaking out.  I guess asking questions is freaking out. 

He said that everything that had happened so far was my fault.

I took my time-out by leaving the house.  I felt like some alternate reality had taken over and I had to get away from it.  I felt like I was watching everything take place from above my body, but wasn’t really in it.  It was so weird that I didn’t feel like it could really be happening.  I drove around the valley that we live in for 3 hours, not really going anywhere.  I cried most of the time and even had to pull over and park for awhile when I couldn’t see through my tears.

My husband tried to talk to him a few times, but he just kept getting sworn at.  He dropped the F-bomb so many times that night that it was dripping off the ceiling again.  He said that he wished he had the option to leave like I did.  He repeated his mantra of being DONE—done trying--and didn’t want to do anything anymore. 

My husband kept calling me to try to get me to come home because he was concerned about me driving around while I was so upset.  Eventually, I came back, but the only thing that changed was that my son had stopped swearing.  The tension was high and I still did not want to be there since my presence that night was causing my son to lose any sense of how to act decently.

Immediately after I entered the house, he started getting mad again.  This time because he did not know where the amplifier cord to his electric guitar was.  He stretched that frustration out to include the fact that not only did we lose his amp cord when we cleaned out his room, we broke his guitar too.

My husband just kept his cool, found the amp cord, and didn’t say anything at all about how we did or did not break his guitar.  He brought him the cord and a screwdriver to use to fix his guitar and just left my son alone.

After he talked to his sponsor that night, he calmed down a little, but insisted that because I wouldn’t accept his answer and just kept asking the same question over and over again, it made him mad. 

So, when I asked the question:  “Why do you want to quit Tae Kwon Do?” and the answer that I got was “Because I do,”--was I just supposed to take that answer for what it was and drop the subject?

My son thought so. 

But, we pay $117.00 a month for Tae Kwon Do.  We were in the middle of a 2 year contract.  I thought I should be able to make sure that quitting was what he really wanted to do.  I hoped that he would just take another extension for awhile because we were going to have to buy out the contract and lose about $400.00 in order for him to quit.  I didn’t know that he had given my husband a few hints over the past few weeks about wanting to give it up.  That information had not been shared with me. 

And, I was worried that if he gave up Tae Kwon Do, he would be giving up the only extracurricular activity that he had.  He has NO OTHER ACTIVITIES right now.  School, group and recreational therapy, doing things as a family, and playing the X-box are the extent of his life.  When my husband asked him what other activity he would like to do instead, he said that TV watching will be just fine. 

I was just sick about what had happened.  The situation had spun out of control and I failed to stop it.  I couldn’t even sleep that night because I was worried that he might try to run away since he said that he was “done” again.  I was worried that he would start getting depressed again and I was worried that he would relapse.  This whole argument was one of those triggers for relapse that we need to try to avoid.

We didn’t avoid it time.

I still can’t get over how it is impossible to talk to my son. 

If I had just made chocolate chip cookies and then asked him if he wanted one and he said no, I would probably ask him why not?  In a normal situation, he would say that he didn’t feel like eating any cookies right now, but would have some later because he really likes chocolate chip cookies.  But, in the reality that we live in now, he would start swearing at me, calling me names, and saying that I freaked out just because he didn’t want a cookie.

Every time it seemed like things are starting to go just a little bit better, something happens to move us backward again.

I guess I have to learn to just radically accept his answer for what it is and try not to get him to have a conversation with me or discuss anything.

And I won’t offer him a chocolate chip cookie.

TODAY

Sometimes I really hate AA meetings.  Sometimes I am really grateful for them.

One night, my son said, “I have woken up many times and have wanted to smoke really bad, but I haven’t been able to since I have been in this place.  I don’t know what I will do when I have the chance to do it.”

Sometimes the meetings give me insight into what he is really thinking.  Sometimes they scare me to death.

He has said similar things to this before.  Every time he does, I get that stomach-clenching, heart-dropping feeling.

Once, at AA the topic was, “When and why you decided to become sober.”  That time my son said, “I am sober right now, I haven’t decided if I will stay sober or not.  But, I know that I will be sober when I decide.”

He was 107 days sober that day.

I thought, “Wow.  After all this time, and all this treatment, he still doesn’t know if he will use again, or not.”   

We went out to dinner with his AA sponsor after the meeting.  We were at a buffet, and I was able to talk to him While my husband and son were getting some food.  I told him that sometimes when he asks my son how it is going, he doesn’t really get the truth.  He seems to get practiced, standard answers.  I let him know that sometimes my son tells him everything is going great, but it really isn’t.  I said he acts like he hates us and finds reasons to argue with us all the time. 

I also told him that I wished my son’s comment at the AA meeting would have been more like-- he was sure that he was going to stay sober, not that he hadn’t decided, yet.  I said that I was so worried and afraid for him.

His sponsor told me, “Staying sober is a one day at a time decision.”

As I thought about that, I found it interesting, because at the AA meeting one guy  said basically the same thing.  He said, “We are all just as sober as each other.  We all woke up today sober and we are all here, still sober.  Hopefully, we will all stay that way tonight.  And when we wake up tomorrow, we will have another sober day.”

When my son came back to the table his sponsor said, “We take our sobriety, one day at a time, don’t we?”  My son agreed.  Then, his sponsor said, “It is a decision that we have to make every day and as long as we can make that decision each day, we are doing good.”  I knew that his sponsor was trying to help both me and my son.

Later that night, I was laying in bed thinking about how the Serenity Prayer is good, but I wished that my son had some kind of affirmation that he could read to himself every day that would be more specific for him and would help him decide each day to stay sober.  I thought about the things that my son’s sponsor had said and about things that I had been reading lately in a book about the changes that happen to the families of recovering addicts.

I couldn’t sleep.  Then, all of a sudden my thoughts started forming lines of a poem.  I was amazed that what I was thinking was becoming something awesome.  I got up and wrote it down.

My husband woke up after the third time that I had jumped out of bed and asked me what I was doing.  I was so excited about my poem that I read it to him at 4:00 in the morning.  He was as impressed as a half asleep man could be.

I couldn’t believe that this poem popped into my head.  It almost seemed like one of those “meant to be” things.

This is the poem.  I feel like it is a Recovering Addicts Daily Affirmation.  Written by the mom of one.

TODAY

I WILL STRIVE TO BE BETTER

THAN I WAS YESTERDAY

BETTER THAN I THINK I CAN BE

TODAY

I WILL EXPERIENCE

ALL OF MY LIFE

STANDING ON MY OWN TWO FEET

TODAY

I WILL NOT USE

PEOPLE OR THINGS

IN UNCARING, MEAN, OR SELFISH WAYS

TODAY

I WILL FEEL MY FEELINGS

AS THEY REALLY ARE

WITH JOY, PAIN, SADNESS, OR FEAR

TODAY

I WILL FIND HAPPINESS

IN GIVING UNDERSTANDING, LOVE, AND HOPE

TO THE WORLD AND OTHERS AROUND ME

TODAY

I WILL LET GOD BRING PEACE TO MY SOUL

AND I WILL SHOW MY THANKS

FOR BEING GIVEN

TODAY

                                                               ©this poem has been copyrighted

INVISIBLE

Our first Sunday with our son back at church was maddening.  We have always gone to church every Sunday, unless we are out of town.  Our religion is a big part of our lives.  (We are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints).  We go to church for 3 hours.  First we go to a meeting for the entire congregation for 1 hour.  Then, we go to Sunday School for 1 hour.  After that we separate into men’s and women’s meetings for the last hour.  Our son attended Sunday School with us and the men’s meeting with my husband instead of going to his own youth classes, since he has to be in our line of sight all of the time right now. 

During those three hours, even though he didn’t go to the youth classes, we saw many of the young men that he has known at church, in the neighborhood, and at school for years. 

In those three hours NOT ONE YOUNG MAN said “hi” or “hey, you’re back” or acknowledged him in any way.  It was as if they didn't even see him. 

He was gone for two months and then when he comes back, no one notices or cares?

Did they just not know what to say to him? 

I guess “hi” is a hard word to say sometimes.

Or, had they been warned by their parents previously to keep their distance from him since he could be a bad influence?

As a parent, what would I have done?

If some other kid in our neighborhood or church had gone to rehab, would I have encouraged my son to welcome him back and befriend him again?  Or, would I have told him to keep his distance, afraid that the kid would drag my son down and try to get him to use drugs, too?  Would I have recognized the fact that the kid didn’t come back as a using drug addict, he came back as a recovering addict? 

I don’t know what I would have done, in the past.

But, I know what I would do now.

I wondered how my son felt.  He didn’t say.  I didn’t bring the subject up because I didn’t want to make him feel bad.  He probably would have said that he didn’t care and that none of those guys are his friends, anyway.  

Right after that, I got this story in an email.  It didn’t say who wrote it.  It was just one of those emails that circulate around.

But, it made me wish that the young men and their parents at our church had read it before my son came back.

One day, when I was a freshman in high school,
I saw a kid from my class walking home from school.
His name was Kyle.
It looked like he was carrying all of his books.
I thought to myself, ‘why would anyone bring home all of his books on a Friday?  He must really be a nerd.’
I was thinking about the weekend I had planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so shrugged my shoulders and went on.
As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him.
They ran at him, knocking all of his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt.
His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him.
He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes.
My heart went out to him, so I jogged over to him as he crawled around looking for his glasses.  I saw a tear in his eye.
As I handed him his glasses, I said, ‘those guys are jerks.  They really should get lives.’
He looked at me and said, ‘hey thanks!’
There was a big smile on his face.
It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.
I helped him pick up his books and asked him where he lived.
As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before.
He said he had gone to private school before now.
I would have never hung out with a private school kid before.
We talked all the way home and I carried some of his books.
He turned out to be a pretty cool kid.
I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends tomorrow.
He said yes.
We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends liked him, too.
Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again.
I stopped him and said, ‘boy, you are going to really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!’
He just laughed and handed me half of the books.
Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends.
When we were seniors we began to think about college.
Kyle decided on Georgetown and I was going to Duke.
I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem.
He was going to be a doctor and I was majoring in business on a football scholarship.
Kyle was valedictorian of the senior class.
He had to prepare a speech for graduation.
I was so glad it wasn’t me having to get up there and speak.
Graduation day, Kyle looked great.
He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school.
He filled out and actually looked good in glasses.
He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him.
Boy, sometimes I was jealous!
Today was one of those days.
I could see that he was nervous about his speech.
So, I smacked him on the back and said, ‘hey, big guy, you’ll be great!’
He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled…
‘Thanks,’ he said.
As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began,
‘Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years.  Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach…but mostly your friends….
I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them.
I am going to tell you a story.’
I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told about the first day we met.
He had planned to kill himself over the weekend.
He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his mom wouldn’t have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home.
He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile.
‘Thankfully, I was saved.  My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable…’
I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment.
I saw his mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile.
Not until that moment did I realize its depth.
Never underestimate the power of your actions.
With one small gesture you can change a person’s life.
For better or for worse.
God puts us all in each other’s lives to impact one another in some way.
Look for god in others.

Maybe, if they had read that story or thought about the Savior that we worship every Sunday, they would have acted differently.

Jesus would have welcomed him back.  He would have given my son a big hug and would have told him that He loved him and was so happy to see him. 

He knows that my son is NOT his mistakes.  He is NOT the drugs.

He is a great person.  He can be a good friend. 

He needs good friends.

I hope he can find some, soon.

I hope he will remember that Jesus is his greatest friend.  

And He was glad to see him at church that Sunday.

Marriage

All of the middle of the night conflicts began negatively effecting our family life and our marriage.  While our son was in residential treatment, my husband and I were happy that at least we were getting closer together as a couple.  We were proud of ourselves for not letting the stress come between us.  It was a good thing that we had that time to build up our foundation because we were in for a test as soon as our son began living at home again.

The amount of tension going on here every day and night was taking its toll.    Often, we didn’t agree on what we should be doing to solve the problems.  I was trying to compromise and negotiate, while my husband was trying to establish rules and limits that were set in stone.  I felt his disapproval of every single thing that I tried to do to have peace and to avoid a fight.  The disapproval really hurt my feelings.  He would close himself off and feel sorry for himself.  I knew that what I was doing to have less arguments with my son was causing the disagreements with my husband, but I thought I was doing the best that I could.  I was not thinking of myself, I was thinking of the whole family.

My husband started to take everything that my son said and did very personally. It appeared that he almost had situational depression.  He acted like he was tired of all of the conflicts and didn’t seem to be as patient and willing to try to work through things as he was at first.  He said that “he was tired of getting kicked in the teeth and being told that he was stupid and didn’t know anything.”  Sometimes he overreacted to little things that would have been better to just not worry about.

One Sunday, I was taking a nap and for some reason, my husband let the dog in.  She came upstairs and was sleeping in my room.  My son peeked in the door to see what I was doing because he wanted me to do something for him and the dog came bouncing out of the room, happy to see him.  Well, my son thought the dog was supposed to be in there, so he tried to get her to go back in and then my husband started yelling at my son for waking me up.  We both tried to tell him that it was the fact that the dog was in my room that woke me up, but he wouldn’t listen.  Then my son began talking back to my husband since he was getting blamed for something that he didn’t really do.  My husband and son were both mad for the rest of the day.   Nobody talked to anybody.  So much for a pleasant Sunday.

The next day, my husband left for work without saying 5 words to me.  Later on, I asked him if he was going to give up on our son and he said he didn’t know what he was going to do.  I asked him if he was going to give up on me, too, and he said, “I don’t know, maybe.” 

So now, my husband wanted to give up on our son. 

And on me. 

Well, I didn’t want to give up on HIM.  We had made it this far (28 years) and I knew that we could get through this if we both kept working at it.  The fact that he had doubts about sticking with me through the hard times was hurtful.  I felt abandoned and alone in dealing with my son’s struggles.  I think my husband’s feelings were just as torn apart as mine were, except that he wasn’t thinking about how things could get better if we just persevered, he was only thinking about the constant daily tension between all of us and how he wanted to get away from it.

I understood how he felt.  It seemed like nothing was ever going to be normal again.  Day after day we did exactly the same things.  We hadn’t done anything fun or even gone anywhere together alone ever since our son was released from treatment.  We couldn’t leave him alone and since he was so very ready to unleash his feelings on anyone who disagreed with him, we didn’t feel comfortable asking anyone to watch him.  Our son and daughter-in-law had not volunteered to take him off our hands for a few hours.  Our daughter and her husband lived an hour away and they hadn’t offered to watch him either.  I honestly don’t think either of them even thought about it. 

We never knew it would be this hard.  My husband always said that he didn’t care if our son hated his guts for the rest of his life for putting him in rehab and helping him overcome his addiction—he was just doing what was the best thing at the time to help our son.  But, now that it was coming down to the fact that our son REALLY was going to act like he DID hate our guts, it wasn’t as easy for him to accept.

Even when my child makes me feel bad and even when I just want to run away because it is hard--I am not giving up.  No matter how much my son may hurt my feelings.  No matter how many names he may call me.  No matter how hard he makes it.  I am not going to give up on him.  A parent fights for their child and tries to work out everything for as long as it takes, because the child is worth it.  Especially when they are only 14 years old.   

I told my husband some of these feelings about not giving up on your kid and how it hurt to have him want to walk out on me, on the phone that day. 

It must have made some kind of impact on him because I thought he wasn’t coming to Family Group Therapy that night.  He said he just needed some time alone.  I was totally surprised when he came.  It was a good thing that he did because that night there was a Rose Ceremony.  A Rose Ceremony is held after one of the kids from the program makes it one year clean and sober.  They are given a rose by their therapist and then they briefly tell their story.  Rose Ceremonies are meant to help all of the other kids who are going through the program hear how it is to be successful and sober in the real world.  If the parents wish to tell how they feel about that year of sobriety, then they have the chance, too. 

These rituals not only help the kids in treatment, but they help their parents have hope, too.  That night, the comments of the parents had a big impact on my husband.  Something that was said initiated a big change in his attitude and outlook.
I think he was given hope.  If that particular kid could make it under the circumstances that he started with, then there was hope for our son, too.  Hearing how the parents, themselves, got through that year makes success seem possible. 

The next night at our individual family therapy, the therapist asked my husband how he was feeling now and he told her that he began to feel a lot better after the Rose Ceremony.  He said he didn’t really want to give up on our son or leave us both, he was just feeling frustrated with everything that was going on in his life at the time relating to our son’s situation, our family, work, and finances.

He felt good and was going to make an effort to try harder to make things work out.

Even though he acted like he had changed, it was hard for me to just feel like everything was going to be okay again. 

It is still up and down. 

I like the up times.

I dread the down times.

That is why I try so hard to keep the peace.

And that is why my husband disapproves of some of the things I do.

Then the whole cycle starts over again.

It is perpetual.

SLEEPING

When he came home from Residential Treatment, he had begun taking Trazodone for sleeping.  His two other medications affect sleep and he has also always had trouble with sleeping, so the doctor felt that the he should try taking a sleeping pill.  I wish that he had gotten the sleeping pill issue all worked out before he came home to stay, but we seemed to be started from scratch trying to figure out the new medication. 

Getting him to go to sleep was like being awake during a bad dream. Nothing really changed from the first night home when he gave us such a hard time about going to bed.  It seemed to be an awful struggle every night. 

Trazodone is meant to help a person stay asleep, but doesn’t really have “knock you out” components.  So, On Trazodone, it still took him too long to fall asleep.  He wanted to be able to watch TV for hours until he fell asleep.  Even though we knew that wasn’t the best thing for him, he was absolutely sure that it was.  We tried to make a rule about having the TV off by 10:30 or 11:00, but he would just freak out and tell us that he couldn’t go to sleep without it.  Threatening to take the TV away resulted in horrendous arguments.  Seriously, I didn’t want to fight about having a TV in his room.  I just wanted him to be reasonable about when to turn it off and let his body go to sleep.

Since it was taking him such a long time to get to sleep and he was having a hard time waking up in the morning, the doctor decided to switch him to Ambien because it is supposed to help you get to sleep AND stay asleep.  We prayed that this new medication was going to be the answer to the sleeping problem.  We needed a break from the conflict.

With Ambien, a person needs to be in bed trying to go to sleep within 30 minutes.  But, he wouldn’t change his bedtime routine.  He still wanted to watch TV for hours until he fell asleep.  He wasn’t letting the medication do its job.  Two or three hours later,  his mind didn’t want him to be awake and his behavior became unreasonable, irrational, and out of control.  I thought his attitude was bad when he was awake while taking Trazodone, but it was nothing compared to this.  Trying to tell him to do anything was pointless.  He would rant and rave and swear excessively.  Many times he said things that were hurtful and mean.  How much of that was the medication and how much of that was just his way of letting out all of the feelings he had about us?  I think it was probably a little of both.

We tried to just walk away to avoid arguing, but he would come after us to keep trying to get what he wanted.  We lost our patience and our tempers when he did this.  Of course, that made everything worse.  And, by then we were so upset that we couldn’t sleep either. 

The next morning, he always said he didn’t remember any of the horrible things that he had said or done.  But, we still felt wounded and hurt by his tirades. He thought we were crazy for being upset at something that he had no memory of.  

What was it going to take to get this resolved?  And how long would we have to keep having this battle?

It wasn’t just about the Ambien, it was the fact that we thought we needed to have rules in the house and that the rules should be good for all of us.  Our son thought that the rules were only good rules if they benefited him in every single way.  He thought that if they didn’t benefit him in every single way, then they simply didn’t apply to him and he fought us about them or just ignored them.

It is another control issue.  This is one of those areas where he can have all the control since he doesn’t really have very much control over everything else in his life right now.  He says he wants the sleeping medication to help him with his sleep, but he still wants to control WHEN he goes to sleep.   

We tried to come to an agreement on a rule that the TV had to be turned off within two hours of taking Ambien.  Even though two hours was way too much time, this was as close to a compromise as we could get with him.  He was supposed to take the pill one hour before he got into bed and then watch TV for one more hour. 

All of this was to take place before 11:00 p.m. because not only did he need to have the TV off so that he could go to sleep, but he needed to have the TV off so that WE could go to sleep.  Our room is directly across the hall from his room.  He still didn’t have the privilege of having a door on his room and I am not going to shut my door anymore during the night, so that I can have a better chance of hearing him if he gets out of bed.  The sound and the flashing lights of the TV were making it hard for me to go to sleep, too!  He didn’t really care whether his actions made it hard for me to go to sleep and he just kept pushing against rules that he had agreed to.

We asked the doctor and the therapist to talk to him about an Ambien sleep routine. They both said, “Ambien is a medication that you take when you are ready to go to bed.  You take it, lie down, and go to sleep.  He should be ready for bed when he takes it.”  He heard what they said, made them believe that he would try that, and then reverted back to his old behavior again and again. 

I asked the doctor if he could increase the Ambien dose a little bit in order for it to make him fall asleep faster, but he said he couldn’t.  I am sure that medically, his reasoning makes perfect sense.  He thought we could get it worked out if we just kept trying for awhile longer.  But, he doesn’t live here and isn’t going through what we go through every night.

Every night we are:
Trying to get him to go to sleep. 
Experiencing intense arguing, yelling, and swearing. 
Having him tell us that he could care less about having good relationship with us. 
Feeling frightened about how angry he seems. 
Hearing how he hates it here and can’t wait until he can move out when he is 18. 
Feeling defeated and devastated. 
Unable to figure out what to do. 
Knowing that so much damage is being done.
Sad and upset.

Curling up in bed and wondering how it has come to this.

Remembering how it was when he was a little boy asking for just One more kiss and one more hug, before going to sleep. 

Thinking about how I would gaze in awe at that sweet, peaceful, little face.

Realizing that he has changed so much and is now the boy who pushes me away and tells me to go to hell--with a hateful expression on that same face.

And I cry myself to sleep.

Step One

Passing many of the Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous is one of the requirements to progress through the rehab program.  So, he had to complete this Step 1 Packet and then pass it off to a Step Advisor.

This is the packet:

Step 1

                We admitted we were powerless over alcohol/drugs—that our lives had become unmanageable.

                Before starting on Step One, you have to get right with some of the definitions involved.  People tend to struggle with terms like “powerless” and “unmanageable.”   We picture wild-eyed crazies who live in dark alleyways and rip off little old ladies for drug money.  We think, “I am not one of those people.  Sure, I have had a couple of ups and downs with my use, but I can stop any time I want.  No one has really given me a chance.”
                The 12-step (AA, NA, CA, etc.) definition of “Powerlessness” is very simple:  If you have had negative effects or Harmful Consequences from your use to any aspect of your life and you keep on using, you are, by 12-step definition, POWERLESS.  It means that you have lost control over your use. 
                It’s the same thing with “Unmanageable.”  It’s like being pregnant—either you are or you’re not!  You can’t be kind of, sort of, almost, or maybe!  Either you have been in full control over your use or you haven’t.  This means that unless you have had complete control over the amounts you consume, and the effects of your use in all aspects of your life, you are not fully in control of your use.  If you are not in complete control, then your use is not completely manageable.  Therefore, in AA’s definition, you are experiencing “unmanageability” in your life and in your use.
                It is the 12-Step work that you will be working on in recovery and treatment.  Now that you understand their definition, try to answer the following questions with this in mind.

Step 1:  We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (or drugs)—that our lives had become unmanageable. 

Let’s see how much you’ve lost because of drugs or alcohol.
How?  By completing the First Step and admitting the truth.
Fill in these pages.  It’s time to stop lying and to get honest with yourself.

Step 1:  Inventory
You have been admitted to a treatment program for drug or alcohol problems, and you aren’t sure whether you need to be here.  You may admit that you use “a little.”  But you’re not out of control.  Well…let’s see.  The purpose of Step 1 is for you to write down your problem and face how serious it is.

Be honest!!
This is a special opportunity.  It could mean life or death.  Don’t waste your time with lies.  Write the truth and let’s look at whether you have a problem.

Risk Taking
1.  Write about the times drugs or alcohol have put your life in danger.

“I have been in a lot of fights when weapons were involved.  I have almost been hit by a car and I have done a lot of stupid s*#$ when I have been high.

2.  Did you risk the lives of others when you were using drugs or alcohol?

“In fights and while I was DUI.”

3.  Have you ever thought about killing yourself?  Explain.

“No.”

Thinking Less of Yourself
1.  What have you done sexually when you were high that you wished you had not done?
(He wrote an answer to this question that kind of shocked me.  I talked to his therapist about his answer because it contradicted what he had told me when I asked him about sex the time we were doing his Harmfuls packet.  She told me that she was confident that he has not had sex.  So, I am not going to disclose the answer that he wrote on his packet.  I feel better going with the therapist’s feelings on this).
2.  Write about the times when someone has hurt you physically or the times when you have hurt others (being beaten up, rape, gang fights, etc).

“I have hurt and been hurt by others in fights.”

3.  What things have you done to get drugs or while on drugs that you told yourself you would never do?

“I would car hop and steal stuff from stores.”

Breaking the Law
1.  Give examples of times you have broken the law while using drugs or while trying to get money to use (shoplifting, stealing money or cars, prostitution, etc.).

“Shoplifting, car hopping, using drugs, and driving while I am 14 and high.”

2.  Tell about the times you were arrested, sent to jail or juvenile court, or just “picked up” by the police.

“None.”

3.  Did you deal drugs or alcohol?   Where and to what age groups?

“Yes.”  “Mostly at school to 8^th and 9^th graders.”

4.  Have you ever used a false ID to buy alcohol or asked an adult to buy it for you?

“No.”

5.  How many times have you skipped school to use alcohol or drugs?
Once or twice or many times?

“Many times”.

6.  How many times have you missed school because you were too sick from alcohol or drugs (hung over, hadn’t been to bed yet, etc.)?
Once or twice or many times?

“Many times.”

7.  Have you ever been suspended from school?  Why?

“No.”

8.  Did your grades or school participation go down because of drugs? 
Describe what happened:

“No”.

9.  Did you ever drink or use drugs on school grounds? 
                             “Yes”

Losing the Trust of Your Family
1.  What behaviors does your family complain about the most?

“Stubborness”

2.  Did your family know about your drug or alcohol problem?

“Yes”

3.  Have you ever done these things?  (Put a check next to the ones you’ve done.)
__X__a.  Tired to sneak out at night to get high.
__X__b.  Used drugs or alcohol at home.
__X__c.  Stolen money from family to buy drugs or alcohol
____d.  Used drugs and then lied to parents about it.

Issues with Friends
1.  Before you began using or drinking, did you have “straight” friends?
What things did you do with them for fun?

“Yes”  “Skateboarding, X-box, sports, card games, and pool.”

2.  Write about the friends you have now.  Are they drug users, straight, etc?

I still have all my sober friends and a lot of using friends.

3.  a.  If you still have straight friends, do they know that you use?

“Yes”

b.  What do they say or think about your drug or alcohol use?

“Nothing”

4.  a.  What things did you do for fun that you don’t do anymore because of your drug or alcohol use? 

“None”

b.  Why did you stop doing them (don’t have time, too messed up to do it, drug friends don’t think it’s “cool”, etc)?
(he did not answer this question).
5.  Do you think you are part of the drug culture or group?   Why or why not?

“Yes”  “Because that is who I hang out with the most.”

6.  What did most people at your school (or neighborhood) think about you?  (What was your “image”?)

“They thought I was a stoner and so did I.”

Effect on Your Body and Brain
1.  Put a check by the problems you have had because of drug or alcohol use.  Describe when the problem began, how often it occurs, and how much it bothers you.
__X__a.  Trouble with memory (blackouts, can’t remember things in school, can’t pay attention, etc.).

“I can never remember things and I can’t ever pay attention in school and it pisses me off.”

__X__.  b.  Getting dizzy

“I get dizzy a lot when I stand up.”

____c.  Having flashbacks or seeing trails.
____d.  Hands, feet, or legs getting numb.
__X__e.  Trouble sleeping

I have never been able to sleep without problems.

____f.  Getting the shakes (“nerves”) if you try to stay off drugs or alcohol.
____g.  Don’t care about doing anything.

Running Away from Painful Feelings
Sometimes you may drink or get high to escape from painful feelings of sadness or anxiety.  Write about these feelings and what caused them.

“I would have fights with my family and it would make me mad so I would use.”

 Effects on Your Mind
1.  Write about the times you were thinking about drugs or alcohol (or how to get them) when you were supposed to be thinking about school, work, or people.

“I was pretty much always thinking about getting and using drugs.”

2.  Give examples of things (like homework or chores) you forgot to do because you were high or drunk.

“None.  I never did homework anyway.”

3.  Have you ever tried to control how much you used drugs or alcohol (I’ll just smoke one joint, “ or “I’ll just have one drink,” or “I won’t use anything tonight.”)?

No”

4.  Write about some of the times you ended up using or drinking too much anyway and couldn’t stop.

“I never really told (myself) I would only use this much.  I just used until everything was gone.”

Giving Up Plans for the Future
1.  If you had not come into this program now, what would have happened to you?

“My life would be a lot worse.  I would still be using and I would probably be in DT.”

2.  Before you started using or drinking, what plans and goals did you have for your life?

“None”

3.  How did your plans and goals change after you began using?

“None”

Summary
Addicts are people who, once they use a drug, have to keep using even though their life is a mess and getting worse.  They no longer care about school, job, family, or friends.  They will lie, cheat, and steal to get drugs.  The First Step is for you to see whether you are an addict or if you are on the way to becoming an addict.
1.  Do your answers to any of the questions help you see that your life is a mess because of drugs?   Which questions?

“Yes”  “Almost all of them.”

2.  Can you accept that you are an alcoholic or drug addict? ____Not sure—maybe I’m on the way to becoming an addict.

“Yes”

3.  May confess that they have no control over their drug use, but they don’t really believe it.  What would it take to make you believe you are powerless over using alcohol or drugs?

“I already know.”

4.  What about your life is most like an addict’s life?

“My entire life revolved around drugs.”

5.  Name things you could change (in a good way) about your life while in this program.

“Never start using in the first place.”

6.  Filling out these First Step questions could be use a joke, unless you have been totally______

“honest”

Now you will present your First Step inventory to a First Step group so you can hear your own thoughts and get feedback.

Take the risk of being honest!

Your life depends on it!

After reading that packet, I thought that he should have had to complete it before he ever was released from residential treatment.  Really coming to terms with the fact that he was powerless when it comes to drugs probably would have been a good thing for him to have discovered BEFORE he came home and took all of his anger out on us for being put in rehab.

But, at least he said that he could accept the fact that he is an addict.  That makes me feel that maybe he is telling the truth every Friday when we go to AA and he says, “My name is ___ and I am an addict.”

I can’t believe that he was in all of these fights that he wrote about.  I didn’t ever see any evidence of having been in a fight, but I wonder if that is one of the reasons that he would claim to be sick some days—because he had been fighting and was hurting as a result of it.

What are some of the other stupid are that he has done?  He will probably never tell me.  I know that driving was an insane thing for him to do.  Not only was he driving someone else’s car (he better not have been driving mine!), but he could have killed someone, himself, and wrecked the car, too.  My husband and I could have been liable for his actions and we could have lost our son in a car accident. 

Knowing that he was stealing from people and cars makes me feel like somehow he missed the part where we taught him about honesty.  Of course, he seems to have forgotten a lot of what we taught him about everything from not smoking, drinking, and using drugs to basic right from wrong. 

It makes me anxious to even think about the fact that he dealt drugs to other kids.  Other parents have kids who use drugs and when they find out about it, like we did, they are going to be so mad at the drug dealer—just like we were—only the drug dealer is my kid this time.  What an awful circle of circumstances that is!

It is so agonizing to think that he could have died at any time due to using drugs. We would have been so shocked when we found out.  As far as we knew, our son would never do anything like that.

He said that he would get in arguments with his family and then go and use drugs because of it.  But, he also said that he was always thinking about getting and using drugs and that his life revolved around drugs.  In one instance he is blaming us and in the next instance he makes it sound like he is addicted.  No wonder he would have arguments with us--everything that we would talk about or want him to do had nothing to do with his daily desire to use drugs!

I hope he meant it when he said that if he had not been put in rehab that his life would be a lot worse.  Because at first, and for many weeks afterward, he thought that being put in rehab was the worst thing that had ever happened to him.

People say that some day he will get over being mad about it.

Some day he will thank us.

All of these days in between are so overwhelming, though.

I hope we all make it to some day.