Feels Like the Beginning of the End

The first month of the year was mostly uneventful—meaning that we had very few blow-ups.  My son even got a job at a fast food restaurant near our house and at first, was excited about it.  It doesn't take very long for someone who is oppositional defiant to start disliking anyone who has authority over them so he soon began to complain about the managers.    

Since we had been getting along fairly well so far that month, I wasn't surprised when one day he asked me if I wanted to go to a movie with him.  I told him that I didn’t think there was anything that I wanted to see and he asked me to check.  I was right.   At that point, he said, “Well, can I just use the money that you would have spent to go to a movie with me, to go to a movie with Hailee?”  He is such a con artist.  I do not appreciate being conned and I did not give him the money.

I should have suspected that the good times were coming to an end a few weeks later when we had a battle about his filthy room.  He would take meals and snacks up there, then leave the dishes and partially eaten food in piles all over the place.  No matter how many times I reminded him that he was breaking all the rules about food in his room and told him to take it all down to the kitchen, he wouldn’t do it.  He said that he should have been able to keep HIS room any way that he wanted to and that if we called it HIS room, we didn’t have the right to tell him to keep it clean.  So, for the 150^th time, I told him that the term HIS room referred to the room that he was allowed to reside in, but that in no way gave him possession of it and that the privilege of having a room came with the requirement to keep it clean.  He responded, “I never agreed to that.”

Where his reasoning came from was a mystery to me.

But, the battle got heated and when his behavior started getting out of hand I told him that if he didn’t want to follow the rules here, he could leave.  He said, “If I leave, you will call the police and I am not moving out until the day I turn 18!”  I told him that I would not call the police and that he could just go ahead and go because he was close enough to age 18 that the police wouldn’t care whether he left home or not.   I guess he thought I was serious because eventually he cooled down and stopped playing the “I’m going to move out as soon as I turn 18” card as if he knew that it wasn’t working to play it on my emotions anymore. 

Then, one night, at the beginning of February, he came home from Hailee's house reeking of POT!  I guess he thought I wouldn't notice it over the cigarette smell that always followed him home.  But, I noticed and I was very angry!  It made me so furious that he had been smoking pot with her, but he said that he left her house and went somewhere else before he came home. He stated that I didn’t need to know where he went, or who he smoked it with, and that I might as well stop asking him about it. 

I had a sinking feeling that it had to have been going on for awhile and I was just barely finding out about it.  I had been deceived, once again.

I said, “Things have been going fairly okay around here and then you go and start doing this again!  What were you thinking?  Everything is messed up now!  You can’t smoke pot!  It’s not allowed if you live here and you know it!  Why did you start smoking pot again?” 

He finally gave the excuse that he had been feeling bored and anxious and that I was crazy to think that things had been going great around here because they weren’t and he couldn’t stand it anymore.

Well, I guess it was my own wishful thinking.  I obviously wanted to believe that we were getting along better than in the past.   

I had been watching for the bored-ness factor that shows up in the winter months because I knew that it was a trigger for him.  I provided money to go out to dinner and bowling quite frequently with his friends.  He also had his new job to keep him busy, so I really didn’t see any indications that he was becoming bored or overly anxious.  He hadn’t even shown any more signs of drinking in the previous few weeks. 

Now what?  He wasn’t 14 anymore.   We had hardly any control over him as it was at age 17.  Nothing we had done, or facilitated, or forced in the last few years made any difference at all.  He just refused to get it.  How could we convince him to “get it” now?

I told him that I was not funding any more activities with his friends because the trust level was back in the negative zone.  He insisted that he never used my money for marijuana.  Even if that were true, it seemed pretty hard to believe at the time. I also informed him that transportation to work would be provided, when I was available, but that rides to friend’s houses would not be given anymore because I wasn’t going to enable him.

In the back of my mind, I suspected that he might be headed this direction after his New Year’s Eve drinking episode, but I just wasn’t ready for it.  

The next day when I heard the song “Sweet Child of Mine” by Guns and Roses on the radio, I got very emotional.  It used to be one of my son’s favorite songs and I have associated it with him for a long time.  As I listened to it, I pictured that sweet one-year-old child in his little white tuxedo, standing outside the temple where he was sealed to us for time and all eternity, a few days after the adoption was finalized.  I wondered how he had grown into the big, long-haired defiant person that he was now.  16 years before, I never would have thought that this is where we were headed.

I just wanted to cry.

We hadn’t given him the “quit or move out” ultimatum yet, but I was fairly sure that nothing that we said or did would make any difference.  He was going to do whatever he wanted to do. 

If he wasn’t willing to quit using marijuana, we were going to have to get the courage to kick our son out of the house. 

How does a parent do that? 

New Year's Eve

On New Year’s Eve, my husband, son, and I went to see Thor, got some dinner at our favorite Mexican food chain, then came home and began a movie marathon.

As the first movie was ending, my son got the New Year’s Eve phone call that I had been dreading--to go hang out with friends.  I wished that he could have just stayed at home with us where I knew he was safe and not likely to be tempted to do anything stupid.    

But, they were some of his childhood friends, so I hoped it would be okay and he promised to keep me posted on his status throughout the evening.  As the night went on, I received the updates:  they went to get junk food, they went to Dillon’s girlfriend’s house, and then went to I-Hop at midnight.   After that, they planned to spend the rest of the night Dillon’s house.

I believed every single update -- until the next morning. 

He came home at 9:00 a.m., as he had promised, to get ready for a job interview at Little Caesar’s Pizza.  When he came into the house, he was chewing gum like crazy and it seemed to be clashing with the smell of alcohol emanating from him.   He went straight to the shower—probably to try to wake himself up and wash away the evidence.  But, after the shower, when he went to his room, instead of getting ready to go to interview, he crashed onto his bed.

Well, the shower obviously didn’t work to keep him awake and it didn't seem to do much to wash away the smell of alcohol.  I don’t have any experience with people who drink, but when I walked into his room, it seemed to me, that he still reeked of alcohol as if it was coming out of his pores or something.  I tried to get him up and moving, but he was out cold.  I spoke loudly and sharply, practically yelling at him until I saw his eyes open a little bit and got a grunt of acceptance out of him.  At that point, getting up and getting ready was all on him.

I couldn’t believe it when he actually started to get ready, but was frustrated at how slowly he was doing it.  He finally made it to the interview, but was five minutes late.  We were afraid that it wasn’t going to go well.  It made me angry that he partied all night long— all the while leading me to believe that I could trust him and what he said he was doing—and then was unprepared and hungover for this interview. 

He came home and went right back to bed.  I wanted him to take a drug test, but he said he wouldn’t until he woke back up.  I didn’t have any alcohol tests and wasn't sure if they would have worked by then anyway.  Alcohol had never been his substance of choice, so this was a new area for us to have to deal with.

The drug test came back clean and when we asked him why he had been drinking, he said, “I don’t drink because I don’t handle alcohol very well.”

Was that a denial, or a way of getting around answering the question?

He didn’t get the job.

And there we were.

Beginning the new year with a potential new problem.

Happy New Year?

JOBS

The day that my son started his seasonal job at a party store, I just wanted to tip my head back, spread my arms wide, turn around in circles and breathe.  He was scheduled to work for six hours—the best six hours, ever!

And then, at the end of that first day of work, he said he was going to quit.  His task for the day was standing on the corner, wearing a pirate costume, and waving a sign to attract people’s attention to the party store.  For some reason, he did not think that was what he signed up for.  

I don’t know what inspired him to go back the next day, but luckily he did and since it rained, he was able to work inside the store and didn’t say anything else about quitting for a few days. 

He spent a lot of time out on that corner and hated every minute of it.  One day, while he was working, I got a text from my friend that said, “We just passed a pirate standing on the corner.  He looked like he wanted to shoot himself.”    

I drove by many times, hoping to see him in the pirate costume, but I never did.  I did see him looking like a very unhappy clown a couple of times and took his picture. 

One day after work, he said, “I don’t think I will be hired on a permanent basis after Halloween.”

I asked why?

He replied, “Because I can’t tie balloons.” 

I laughed out loud and then promised to buy him some balloons to practice on.   He said he did not want me to do that.  Why would he make the effort to practice something that might help him keep the position after Halloween was over?

About two weeks later, he was interviewed and then hired at a wholesale shipping warehouse.  He worked there for two days and said it was very, very hard work.

On the third day, he called in sick.  We could not believe he did that.  We were sure that he had just lost this new job.  Of course, he thought we had no idea what we were talking about and that he couldn’t be fired for being sick.

After that, every time he checked to see what his schedule was, he was told that they didn’t need him the next day.

He never worked there again.

He continued to work at the party store, but didn’t like it, threatened to quit all the time, and started to refuse to go if he had to walk or ride his bike.  If I couldn’t take him, he would say that he was going to call in sick. 

Apparently, he hadn’t learned anything from calling in sick at the warehouse.

HIS future was on the line, and he was behaving as if this job was my responsibility, not his. 

It was so frustrating.  

But as usual, I did everything that I could to help him because I always felt like I had no choice.  He would threaten  that if I didn’t drive him to work, he wouldn’t go.  I knew that somehow, if he got fired, he would turn it all around and blame me for it.  I just couldn’t handle that and did all that I could to help him keep this job for as long as they would schedule him to work.

At least when he went to court, he still had one job.   I wondered if that would be enough to keep him out of detention.

He told the judge that he had a job at the party store (without mentioning that it was temporary) and had worked for two days so far at a wholesale shipping warehouse (neglecting to mention the text message that he had just gotten the day before that said, “We won’t be able to use you anymore.”)

The probation officer knew that the first job was temporary and that my son was likely not going to be working at the warehouse anymore, but didn’t make any effort to clarify those points with the judge.  Neither one of them seemed to care that my son was not "fully employed" as had been mandated at the previous hearing.

I felt as if their goal that day was to close the case and wash their hands of my son.  There was nothing I could do about it.  

As we  left the building that day, his probation officer said that he literally never wanted to see him again—meaning that he wanted him to stay out of trouble, but I was pretty sure that it also meant that he was ready to be rid of our family’s  drama.

My new worry was that without the court's jurisdiction, my son would immediately feel that he was free to start smoking marijuana and doing whatever he wanted to do again.  I hoped and prayed that he would stay sober, but, every single time he has been sober, I have always secretly wondered how long it would last. 

He was not asked to stay on at the party store after Halloween.  This was disappointing, but not unexpected.  

As soon as he was not working anymore, he started spending a lot of time hanging out with his new friends from work. He always came back smelling like he had been sitting in a room full of smokers.  He claimed that the mother at the house was a chain smoker and that he didn't like it at all.  When I picked him up, I had to drive home with the windows rolled down (even though it was cold outside) because I couldn’t stand the smell and eventually stopped giving him rides and made him walk home.  He swore that he wasn't smoking and that he didn't like the pervasive odor, either. I did not know whether I believed him or not.   

I really wanted him to get a new job as soon as possible, so that he would have less time to hang out with these people.

But, he was having  fun, doing nothing, and wasting time. 

He was still demanding and mean.  As he began to run out of money, the name calling and berating about my unwillingness to "treat him like other parents treat their kids" increased.  I was supposed to give him everything that he wanted and rides everywhere he wanted to go.  

He wasn’t in any hurry to get a new job, especially because that is what I wanted him to do.    

He would rather do the exact opposite of anything that I expected.  

He was really good at that.

Summer

Once school was out, my son actually started taking a little bit more responsibility for the community service requirement.  I spent A LOT of time driving him around.

By the time he went to court in the middle of July, he had about half of the hours completed, but luckily for him, a lot of the people that he worked for gave him double hours, so that made up the difference.  I wasn’t excited about him getting double hours because it seemed like he was getting more than he deserved, but I couldn’t say much about it.  At least there were people willing to let him do community service for them.

The judge was glad that he got the service hours and not glad that he did so poorly at school.  He said that the court was through babysitting him, though, and that he had to either be fully employed or enrolled in school when he went back to court in October, or he would go to juvenile detention for a long stay.

Afterward, my son said, “So, I have three months to get a job.”

I said, “You have about two weeks to get a job because I have to get you registered for school if you don’t get one.”

He told me not to register him for school because he wasn’t going to go whether he had a job, or not.

So, I didn’t register him.  I was done fighting with him about school.  If he didn’t get a job by October, then his stay in detention wasn’t going to be my problem.

With community service and court over with, he had very little motivation to do anything.  So he spent the rest of the summer doing absolutely nothing.  He did not look for a job and his main activity was pestering me for something to do.

When he was a little kid, wanting me to provide constant activities and entertainment, he would never let up on his quest until I finally came up with an acceptable idea, or sent him to his room because I couldn't stand it anymore.  But, now that he was an angry unhappy teenager, if I didn’t come up with the solution to his boredom, he yelled at me and called me names.   I would get so tired of him swearing at me and putting me down that getting out of bed every morning was getting harder and harder to do.   

As the belittling went on and on, I would say, “Just remember that the next time you want to go do something fun with me, that you called me an f-ing b**** the day before and then don’t even bother asking.”

It was an awesome summer.

The best part was his birthday.

The plan was that he and a friend would go to a movie during the day.  Then, that night, his father and I would take him and the friend to Chuck-a-Rama for dinner. It is one of his favorite places to eat.  I invited his sponsor as a surprise.  We were all looking forward to it.

At least I thought we ALL were.

Until, I was asked if his father and I could NOT go to the restaurant with him for his birthday dinner because when he was talking about it in front of some other friends, they invited themselves, but THEY didn’t want US (the parents) to go, too.  He said it would have been rude of him to tell his friends that they couldn’t come.

Oh yes.  So much more rude to tell your parents that THEY are un-invited to the celebration that they planned for you.

In the meantime, he said he wanted to have a Honey-baked Ham for his birthday.  I said that it would be okay, but that the ham was going to be his gift.  I guess he thought I was joking about that.  

We drove to the Honey-baked Ham store and I bought him a $40.00 ham.  He was so excited about it that he brought a plate and a fork with him from home and started eating the ham as soon as we got back into the truck.  Then said, “this is not very good.”

Seriously?

I said, "That is your present, so hopefully it will taste better if you heat it up or have it on a sandwich with some cheese.  That is all you are getting for your birthday this year.”

This must be when he realized I wasn't joking because he exploded with, “That is B*** Sh**!”

Well, he had already informed me that he wanted me to give him the money that I would have spent on the movie, and the money that we would have used at the restaurant with the original party plan so that he and these friends could use it to go bowling and then out to eat.  

I felt that giving him a portion of that money was more than enough for this birthday and I let him go with all of these wonderful friends to celebrate his birthday without us.

It was not what I thought his 17th birthday would be like.

But, then again, nothing was turning out like I thought it would anymore.

I didn't know for sure if it ever would.

FAKING SICK

The last 10 weeks of the school year were so frustrating.  

I wanted the judge to order my son to go to school and I hoped it would be enough to have him make a real effort. But, it didn't seem to make any difference at all to him, and I was still the only one who took it seriously.  I know I should have just backed off and let him handle this all on his own and I did do that to a point, even though it may not seem like it.  When he wouldn't get up for school, I would try to reason with him a couple of times and then I would just walk away.

There were just an excessive amount of days that he claimed to be too sick to go to school.  By the end of the quarter, he was hardly attending at all.

I am sure that he was probably legitimately sick for a few of those missed school days.  And, some of the days, he may have experienced side effects of medication changes that made him feel weird.  But almost every single missed day of school was a day that he really could have attended and chose not to.

The problem for me was that I did not feel right about calling the attendance office every time to excuse him.  It wasn't true and I didn't want to keep making excuses for his behavior.

It drove me crazy to see him sleep all morning, claiming to have "thrown up all night" and then get up and start making himself a big meal right about the time that school would be getting out—as if he knew that there was no way I could try to make him go at that point.   Or, he would stay home all day and then want to go somewhere with his friends, or pester me to take him to a movie, or to take him out to dinner.

As if, there should be no consequences for just refusing to go to school.

As the end of the quarter and another court date drew near, I decided to send this letter to his probation officer:  

“I just wanted to let you know how things are going.  I am not trying to get him into more trouble, I just don't know what to do with him anymore and nothing that we have done so far has made any difference in how he acts.

I liked how the judge told him that he wanted to see him making the changes that he needed to make until they became a habit, not that he was just making them until he got out of the court system.

But, to us, as parents, we don't see any of the changes becoming a habit and honestly, his behavior has gotten worse since we went to court, than it was before.  As we walked out of the courthouse this time, after he had been given the breaks on community service and told that if he passed his classes and got decent grades, he would get more community service hours, he said, "Well, I am screwed on community service."

We said, "What are you talking about?  You just got a bunch of your remaining community service hours handed to you on a platter.  You can easily pass your classes and could get good grades in them if you start working a little bit harder."  But, he was certain that it was impossible.

And since then, he has still continued to miss 2 or 3 days of school a week.  He has complained of feeling sick to his stomach and of throwing up on most of those days.  Then, usually in the afternoon, he feels a whole lot better--until the next morning.  And, he never seems to feel like that on the weekends.  

This game has gone on for too many years.  I know that if he just bucked up and set his mind to the fact that even if he feels a little nauseated in the morning, he could still go to school and still accomplish the things he needs to--but he won't.  If I try to make him go to the doctor to find out why he is sick, he won’t go.  His psych nurse practitioner thought that maybe, for a few of the weeks, it was a side effect of a new medication that she was having him  try, but for the two or three weeks before he was on it, and the last two weeks or so, he hasn't been on that medication anymore and he still claims to have this problem.  

My husband and I think that part of his problem is his eating habits. He eats ALOT, doesn't eat healthy food, and eats big meals at 10, 11, or 12 p.m. almost every night.  When we try to explain to him that eating a full meal at bedtime, playing the X-Box right up until he goes to bed, not getting enough exercise, etc. affects his sleep, he tells us that none of that makes any difference and that we need to stop telling him the same thing over and over again.

Last week, when I checked his school records, I saw that he had a few too many unexcused absences. When I don't think he is really sick, I don't call in and excuse him.  If he refuses to go to school in the morning and then wants to go to Nickelcade, or Sizzler, or to a movie in the afternoon, then I don't really think I should have to excuse him for being sick.  But, when I saw that he would have to go to attendance school or he would have "no grades" in the classes that he was actually passing, I called and excused the absences so that he wouldn't have to go to attendance school.  He had already stated that he wouldn't go to attendance school and he didn't really care if he passed or not because school is not worth his time right now and that he is not going to graduate anyway, so what difference does it make?  But, of course, I want to give him a chance to pass and I just keep hoping that somehow, something will encourage him to strive for being the best he can be instead of just not striving for anything at all.

His therapist told me that I should try to reward him for going to school for the last part of the quarter to see if that would provide some motivation.  I tried that, and it still didn't make a difference. He missed the next two days.  I don't know what, if anything, makes him feel bad in the morning, but it sure seems to be something that he could work through and get on with his day.

When I told him that he probably had not been sick at least 50% or more of the time, he got very upset with me and said that I was calling him a liar and a faker.   If I try to explain to him that he really needs to do what the judge ordered him to do, he gets really mad at me and tells me that school is his responsibility, not mine.  I am so tired of being told to shut the f*** up and that I am a f****** bitch, and that I should never talk to him again-- just because I try to help him, and try to fight for the best for him.

I am not going to do it anymore.  If he won't get up in the morning, then I am not going to try to make him.  I am not going to excuse him and I am not going to feel bad when he gets "no grades" in his classes. He could have passed Algebra, Language Arts, History, and Guitar, but whether he does or not, is all on him from now on. 

Today, he said that most of his classes were showing movies and he seriously wanted me to call the school and tell them he was sick.  I wouldn't and then he fought with me about it.  I told him that movie days are the best days to go to school because you get credit for being there and you don't have to do anything.  But, not for my son. No day is a good day to go to school.

I hoped that having the court order him to go to school would make a difference, but it hasn't.  Nothing has made a difference.  He won't go to school; he won't do community service; he won't call you on Fridays (even though we remind him to); and he won't act decent towards us.

Last night, on the way home from our weekend at our cabin property, he complained that we had forced him to spend the weekend with us against his will.  We pointed out that he seemed to have a good time with his cousins and he replied that it was better than hanging out with us.  My husband told him that it was good for him to get out of the house and good to see him having fun.  He came back with the statement that he would get out of the house and go have some fun a lot more if we would just give him all the money he needs to be able to do that.

We told him that he needed to get a job and that he could use that money to have fun and to get the things that he wants. And, he said, "I don't HAVE to get a job just because you tell me to get a job. There are no jobs to get anyway."

I told him that there are 100 businesses close to us that he could apply at.  He said that I was wrong about that, especially because he would not not work in fast food.

I am dreading the summer.  I am dreading every day of him getting up and asking me what we are going to go do for fun today (which he does all the time).  I keep telling him that if he doesn't do what he is supposed to do, if he acts like a jerk, and if he talks to me in the disrespectful way that he talks to me, then, I am not going to go do fun things with him.  He tries to put all the blame on me and tells me that it is just because I don't want to spend time with him. He is right about that in a way because when he acts like he does, I don't want to spend time with him.  If he acted decent and tried to do what he was supposed to do, then I would be more than happy to spend time with him.  And, occasionally, when I do decide to go to a movie or take him to get something to eat, he rewards me the next day with a super bad attitude and terrible behavior.

My husband and I are tired of the school battle.  He can go to school his senior year if he changes his mind about it and wants to, but if he doesn't, we don't want to have to spend another year trying to force him to do what the school system and the court feel is mandatory for him to do.  We really just want him to get a full time job or two part time jobs and work so that he is doing SOMETHING.

Right now, he doesn't do anything and his days are like this: 

Go to school once or twice a week, or sleep until afternoon. 

Play the X-Box or computer games. 

Sometimes takes a break and plays the guitar. 

Pesters me about going to do something fun. 

Once a week has therapy, and some weeks has doctor appointments. And that is it.  He rarely hangs out with real friends in the real world--only those who he is talking to while he plays games over the internet.  

He can't stand his parents and finds something to argue about with us almost every single day.

He has to bring his community service hours to you next Tuesday and probably only has about 10 more hours completed.  They are mostly therapy hours and a couple of AA hours.  He has made no efforts to do any other service and I haven't gone out of my way to find any for him. Before we came to court at the first of this month, almost every service opportunity that my husband and I presented to him was met with a no.

The more we try to encourage him, help him, and give him chances and opportunities, the more he defies us.

To end this long email, I would just like to ask that you find a time this week to talk to him about how it is going without revealing too much that you heard from me. He will really let me have it if he finds out that I have shared all this with you.

I know that the kinds of problems that we have are probably the same as a lot of parents have with their kids, but since our kid won't even make much of an effort to do what you and the judge have required of him, I thought you should know, so that maybe we can figure out how to get him on track.

As I said, I am not trying to get him trouble.  I just don't want him to get in MORE trouble.  I feel like we are running out of time.  He is 14 months away from 18 years old and then he plans to leave home and go do whatever he wants to do.

That scares me to death.”

AND SO IT GOES

Most people don’t understand what a cycling, raging, out of control argument is like.  I hear all the time that it is just normal teenage behavior.  But, what we experience is NOT normal teenage behavior. 

Here is another example of an irrational, blown out of proportion, disconnected thinking incident:

At some point in the last day or so, he had used my laptop and plugged his I-Pod into it.  He immediately needed to know where the I-Pod cord was.  He was adamant that I had unplugged it from my laptop when took it back out of his room and now I needed to tell him where I had put the cord.

I said, “Well, if it was in your room when I unplugged it, then the cord is in your room somewhere.  You will just have look for it.”

But, for my son, the cord did not exist since it was not in plain sight.  Since I was the one who  supposedly touched it and moved it, I should have been able to tell him where the blankety-blank cord was and it was my responsibility to find it. 

I said, “If you are going to get mad and swear at me for touching or moving things that you plug into my laptop, then you are no longer allowed to use my laptop.”

He charged up the stairs and told me that if I wanted to freak out and if I wanted to start something, then HE would start something right there, right then.  He was towering above me--raging at me within inches of my face because I wouldn’t admit to losing the cord and didn’t know where it was.  

Once again, he wouldn’t stop and went on and on about how I am not an adult and not a grown-up and that I can’t even admit when I have done something wrong.  He went on to say that he sure as he** wasn’t going to school the next day without his f-ing I-Pod because the I-Pod is the only thing that gets him through school.

I had to call my husband and give him our “meltdown” code phrase (“the cat sat on the headphones”) so that he would know things were getting out of control and that he needed to come home as soon as possible. 

( Once, my son went into his room, stepped on his X-Box headphones and broke them.  Because he can’t accept that anything is ever his fault, he got upset and screamed at me that my cat had gone into his room and sat on his headphones and had broken them.  And, since, it was the cat’s fault, I was responsible to buy him new headphones.   It was so ludicrous to me that the cat had broken the headphones, that I made the mistake of laughing at how ridiculous he was being.  He got so mad that I had to leave the house to get away from him).    

The missing I-Pod cord was one of those “cat sat on the headphones” incidents.

Rather than look for it himself, he stood there and yelled at me, blamed me, accused me, and belittled me. 

I went into his room, looked all over the floor, under piles of clothes, and garbage and didn’t see it.  All the while he hadn't stopped ranting and raging.  I stood up and looked at the top of his dresser and moved the beanie hat that HE put on his dresser when he took it off his head--and the I-Pod cord was underneath it. 

And, maybe, I placed the cord on his dresser.  Or possibly, he did.  Maybe the leprechauns put it there.  But, HE put the beanie cap on it.  He obscured it from view.  He could not lift up a hat to see if there was anything underneath it.  And, yet he still would not concede that he should have been able to find that cord himself.  

He continued yelling at me that I needed to admit that it was my fault for not knowing where I had put the cord. 

At this point, I had had enough.  I resorted to yelling back at him that I was done talking about it!  But, because he was in a raging cycle and raring for the fight, next, he started in on me for being yelled at.  He said that I am always yelling at him.  I don’t yell at him as much as he thinks I do, but to him, anytime that I change my tone, tell him no, or won’t/can’t do what he wants me to do, it is yelling. 

Even though, he was the one doing the yelling and blowing everything out of proportion.

And so it goes again:

Another night, he went back to the fact that he didn’t have access to Skype.  He wanted to be able to talk to a friend while playing a game.  I would have liked to have been able to let him have that privilege, but he had not done anything to earn it back.

He played computer games and the X-Box all the time.  He didn’t keep his room clean.  He didn’t do any chores.  He didn’t talk to us unless he wanted something.  And with the constant raging about anything that did not go his way almost every single day, he was not going to get Skype back.

That night, in the battle that ensued, he threatened us that if we didn’t give him what he wanted, then we were not going to like the consequences.

As if threatening us was going to get him what he wanted. 

So, I went into the office, unplugged the router cord that goes upstairs to his X-Box and locked the door to the office and said, “You are grounded from the X-Box and the computer for two days.”  (This was the maximum amount of time that the psych-therapist told us we could reasonably ground him from things).

His response to that was that we don’t give a f*** about him, that we are trying to ruin his life, that we make him live with us and we don’t do anything for him.  He got very abusive and screamed terrible things about my husband right in his face.  

Two minutes later, he decided to change tactics and requested to be able to talk to me in private saying that he wanted to apologize for how he had been acting and to discuss the parental controls of Skype like adults.  I said I was sorry, but that there really was nothing to discuss. "Five minutes ago, you said that I didn’t give a f*** about you and therefore, I am not really interested in talking to you at the moment."  He wouldn’t listen when I told him that my not wanting to have a discussion with him was a consequence of how he had been acting and he began swearing at me, again, telling me that I was a jerk for not letting him apologize. 

As my husband intervened, taking the brunt of the hateful behavior on himself, instead of letting it all rest on me, he was told was again, by my son, that he never wants to talk to him again his life.

Later, as we talked alone about what had happened, I said, “Even if I had done the validating thing that we have been taught to do so many times, and had said, ‘I know it must be hard for you not to have Skype like you want and I know you really want it, and I am sure you have a hard time understanding why we aren’t going to unblock it…..etc.’, he would have yelled and f-bombed and everything else because he STILL wasn’t getting his way.

I am so tired of this.  Things will go smoothly for a day or maybe even two, and then something sets him off and everything hits the fan.  He reminds us that we are terrible parents, that he hates living with us, hates how stubborn we are, and hates that WE are the reason he has to listen to what a judge thinks because we are always calling the police on him. 

There doesn’t seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel.

I don’t want to be in the tunnel anymore.

I am tired of the darkness.

Around and Around

Toward the end of the first week that he was back in school, we had this conversation:

I said, “I just found out that school starts at 8:30 on Fridays.”

“Well, for me, it is going to start an hour and a half later because I am not going to my painting class anymore.”

I said, “You can’t just NOT go to your painting class.  If you don’t want to take that class you need to have the counselor move you to a different class.”

“You know what?  I am really going to just drop out.  As soon as I get done with court on Tuesday, I am not going to school anymore.  It is pointless.  I can’t graduate.  Going to school is a complete waste of time.”

I said, “Go to school now.  Pass 4^th quarter and all of your senior year.  Do packets and then when graduation time comes, you’ll probably only be about 6 credits behind.  If you immediately go to the Adult High School, you can probably get your diploma quickly.  You’ll have the rest of the high school experience and a high school diploma, too.”

“I just want to quit school.  I’ll get my GED sometime if I decide to.  I want to work and get money for my band.”

I said, “Employers are more likely to hire you if you are in school.  They might not think you have much commitment towards a job, if you couldn’t stay committed to school.”

“What are you going to do – call everyone that I apply with and tell them that I am not in school?”

I said, “In your interview, you will have to answer their questions honestly.  If they find out that you lied, they will probably fire you.”

“Are you going to tell the judge on Tuesday that I am planning on dropping out of school?”

I said, “I will answer all of the questions that I am asked honestly.”

“You just go ahead and make my life worse than it is and tell the judge that I said that.  Because that is what you like to do—ruin my life.”

It seems like every interaction and conversation just goes around and around like that.

Even after he went to court and was given his sentence, he was not immediately concerned about anything that was said, except for the part that dealt with school.  He started an argument with us as we left the courthouse because we asked the probation officer to clarify the school stipulation so that there wasn’t any confusion that would lead to arguments.

This was his sentence:

    

95 hours of community service completed in 60 days.  (Therapy and AA meeting hours would count).

No drivers license for 1 year

5 days in detention, suspended

Drug and alcohol counseling 

Individual counseling

Meds as prescribed

Comply w/ DCFS

Reside at home

Screened friends

Fully participate in education program

No drugs/alcohol or associates who use

No violence or threats of violence

Random drug tests

The probation officer gave this clarification about fully participating in an education program: 

“Your will stay in school until you can provide me with information on another educational alternative that the court will approve of.  You need to come up with this alternative plan within one week.”

As soon as we were in the parking lot of the court house, the f-bombs began flying and he took all his anger about the situation out on us and said, “Thanks a lot for asking him that!  Now I can’t f-ing drop out of school!” 

For days on end after that,  there were tirades about parental controls on the computer, about bedtimes, about anything that he wanted that he couldn’t have, and of course, tirades about school.  Nothing that we did or said made him happy or was satisfactory to him in any way.

The situation in our home was intolerable and we didn’t know what to do about it.

DCFS was supposed to be helping us with this, but when we had our weekly visits, we didn’t even dare tell the therapist how it was honestly going because of the verbal retaliation we would get after he left.

I e-mailed this letter to him after the next home visit:

“Thanks for volunteering to go the school counselor appointment tomorrow.

I don't know if you felt any vibes when you walked in the door today or not, be we were having a "discussion" before you arrived and he wasn't being very nice. But, I knew that if I said anything to you about it that, it would just get worse after you left.

When we left the courthouse last week, we had just barely walked out of the building before he was f-bombing us about how we had no right to make the probation officer say that he had to stay in school until he came up with a plan that was acceptable to the court for his education. He was planning on dropping out of school the next day and was so mad when we made sure that it was clarified that he had to keep going.  We told him we were just trying to make sure he didn't burn his bridges at the high school before he found out whether he had to keep going to school there or not.  But, he was livid with us.

He took most of it out on my husband and said that he wasn't his dad anymore and that he never wanted to speak to him again.

Today, after school, before you came, he turned on the computer, then came running to me and said that a new update came out today for Starcraft and that if he buys it this week, it is only $30.00 and he wanted me to loan him $30.00 right then.

I didn’t want to loan him any more money.  It’s one thing to do nice things for your child when they are behaving and acting decently toward you.  I just can’t do it when he treats me the way he does. 

He gets so mad, if I don't give him what he wants, when he wants it. So when I told him I had to think about it, he was ready to fight to the death to get me to let him have the money right then.

He was badgering me and badgering me to tell him exactly when I would let him know if he could have the money because he had to get the update this week or the price was going to go up to $60.00 and that it was stupid for me to want him to have to pay $60.00.

I said that it had nothing to do with my intelligence, it had to do with the fact that I either wanted to lend him the money or not and that the ruder he was to me, the less I wanted to let him have the money. He said that if I wasn't going to give him the money, he had to get a backup plan before the end of the week and I told him to get a backup plan while I was thinking about it. He said that the only backup plan he had was to steal the money and that was why he was not going to give up until I gave in.

At this point, he was starting to get irrational, and told ME that I needed to act like a grown-up, because parents are supposed to want to make their kids happy. He declared that I had taken everything away from him that makes him happy and now I wanted to take Starcraft away from him too.

What have I taken away? He has his X-Box and he can hang out with certain friends, if he wants to. His example was that I blocked Skype on the computer and he says he needs Skype to be able to do live podcasting to people about how to play Starcraft.

I told him that the things that he has had taken away from him have been the consequences of his own behavior. For instance, he was looking at porn on the computer, so I blocked everything that I could to stop him from doing things he shouldn't do online.

He does not have any understanding that consequences are a result of HIS actions. In his mind, all consequences are someone else's fault. 

I don't even have a problem with giving him money every now and then to get the things that he needs or wants, but I do have a problem with him demanding that I do it, with him belittling me and being rude to me to try to get what he wants.

As far as school goes, he thinks he will be able to drop out when the next school year starts because he will be off probation by then.  He isn't serious about wanting to earn credits or get an education. And as you can see, no matter what we say, or how we try to explain how it is important for him to do it now, he won't listen.

He doesn't even listen to his sponsor (who struggled with addiction well into his 30's).  He has been through it all, can give great advice, and knows how important getting an education is.  Even though he has been successful enough in his dad's financial planning business to open his own men's sober living house, he is going to night school, too.  He wants to get his degree and is paying the price by going to night school, now.  

At the beginning of the sophomore year, his sponsor encouraged him to get his diploma and even offered to give him a big fat check and a car after he graduated. At that time, our son was excited about it and wanted to do packets and everything he could to graduate early.

Three months later, he lost his motivation and we are where we are right now with his attitude about school.

I know school is a struggle for him and I know that if he could do it on his own, through self motivation, and desire to succeed, it would be awesome. But, he doesn't have the motivation and even his plan to enroll in school online is just a game that he is playing to make it look like he is complying with the educational plan.

No matter what anyone decrees, or says, or does, he is going to show all of us that he doesn't have to do anything that is expected and that he is going to do whatever he wants to do.  

Thank you for all of your help.  As you can see, we need it.”

 

This was the therapist’s report to the probation officer, following the counselor's appointment:

“He did not appear particularly interested in his options. He repeatedly stated he plans to drop out of school in 5 months when he believes court jurisdiction will be terminated. His motivation to pursue an education is quite low despite the fact he could reasonably graduate on time with significant effort. Family relations are strained and he appears intransigent to problem solve when options do not include affording him the opportunity to do exactly what he wants to do.

At this point I would not support him engaging in schooling options that would afford him with less structure, support, and services. I believe that he has the best opportunity to be successful at the high school, if not a Day Treatment type setting.

I am hoping that through the provision of individual counseling he can become a customer and find some motivation to address his needs. I will meet with the family next week to further discuss options, expectations, and his thinking about school.”

This was my son’s report to me after the meeting:  “I am f***** until I can drop out in 5 months. I would have done credit recovery on my own at home if the judicial system hadn't f****** up my life.”

He said he would do packets in his CARES class, but that he wouldn’t do anything to pass his other classes. I said, "Why won't you do what you have to do to pass?" And he said, "I CAN'T pass!  Where have you been the last 5 years?"

For the last five years, I have been helping and pushing and believing and trying to make sure he would and could do everything that he had to.  I know he can do anything that he sets his mind to, so, why would I not think he could pass his classes? He is very intelligent and retains almost everything he hears and can quote it all back word for word.  

Of course I believed he could succeed.

But, not much could happen if only one of us believed that. 

Around and around we go.