NOTE

He brought this assignment home from school:

Dear Mom,
I want you to know how much I appreciate everything you do for me and say that it really means a lot to me.
Love,
(your son)

Oh my gosh!

That little note means so much to me.

I want to frame it.

I did not know if I would ever see or hear anything like this from him ever again.

Hopefully this isn’t the only time.

But, I will take it and cherish it for now.

Family Group Therapy

I emailed the therapist and told her what an awful weekend we had.  She had a drug screen run on him for us just to make sure that it wasn’t the reason for the arguing all weekend. It came back clean.  That was good.

I think the therapist just LOVES to get my long emails.  But, she is the only one I have to turn to for help right now.

I don’t know what I will do without her when he commences out of the program.

She is a much needed life line.

Then, she brought up the Red Shirt Incident in Family Group Therapy the next day.

It actually worked out pretty well talking about it with the other families.  I was sure that all of the other parents would think it was crazy that we were having this problem because of one little red shirt, but they weren’t there when he was gang-talking during his first few weeks in treatment.  They didn’t know that we were asked to take away his red shoe-laces and bring him some shirts in colors other than red.  They hadn’t seen him wearing red all of the time. 

Everyone in the group knows that any little thing that causes a conflict is also a little thing that can send the kid into relapse and they are willing to help each other talk about and try to solve problems.  I like Family Group Therapy and all of the families in the group.

Through talking about a Dialectical Behavior Therapy skill called DEAR MAN, we came to some conclusions about wearing red.

DEAR MAN stands for:

*D stands for Describe what is bothering you. 

*E stands for Express how the situation is making you feel. 

*A stands for Assert Yourself and tell them what is wrong. 

*R stands for Reinforce how it is important for you to be heard. 

*M stands for Stay Mindful—don’t allow the person to go into another topic, stay on the discussion at hand. 

*A stands for Appear Confident.

*N stands for Negotiate.

I think it will be hard to think of all of those things during a blow-up.  Maybe now that I have learned this one, I can say, “Wait, I need to get out my notes on DEAR MAN before we can argue about this!” 

    

By the time therapy was over, my son agreed that he will only wear the red shirt twice a week.  And, when one of the girls pointed out that he wears his sweatshirt hood pulled up over his head and around his face all the time, acting has if he wants to be all closed off from the world, we also got an added bonus.  He agreed that 50% of the time when we are out in public he won’t walk around with his hood up on his jacket.  I appreciated her insight and everyone’s help.

We left the group that night with the mood in our family greatly improved.    

The next day—the bad mood seemed to be gone.

Finally.

ONGOING

You would think that since he actually got to go to the movie and had fun the day before, that he would have been in a better mood on Sunday.

No such luck.  We couldn't say anything to him without him trying to argue about it.

Church:  He said that now that he was a Phase 2, he could stay home from church because he was now allowed to be alone.  We said, “No, because we had to establish House Rules when you became a Phase 2 and you agreed to those rules.  One of them is that you go to church with us on Sunday.  So, we don’t’ need to talk about it every Sunday.”

His response:  “I know, so why are we still talking about it?”

Oh, brother.

Home:  He lost a contact lens in his room.  My husband moved the TV stand to look under it and all of a sudden he was being told how moving the TV stand was going to break the surround sound speakers and that we had already broken most of his speakers 5 months ago when we moved everything out of his room.  That was news to us.  Every now and then he has to point out that we had no right to go through his things and remodel his room. 

X-Box:  We had a big storm a few days earlier and the internet had not worked since.  Of course, it was my fault that he couldn’t play X-Box Live that day.  I had already spent a lot of time in the last few days trying to get it working and my son-in-law had even tried to figure out the problem.  On Sunday, I tried again just to try to have peace, even though it wasn't exactly what I wanted to do on Easter Sunday.  It was a good thing we had our Easter fun the day before (Ha Ha).

I was so proud of myself when I finally figured out the problem and couldn’t believe it that he only played a game for 30 minutes after all that work!  I was glad that I spent hours on the problem so that he could have fun for half an hour.

The Simpsons:  One thing he loves to do is watch TV shows that we had never allowed him to watch before.  Even though we have told him repeatedly that certain shows are not allowed, he watches them anyway.  He seems to know that we aren’t going to have a daily argument about TV.  The Simpsons Movie was on TV that night. 

Given that the atmosphere in our house was not the greatest, we probably shouldn’t have chosen that moment to talk about it again.  But, then again, maybe the atmosphere in our house gave us the feeling that we might as well talk about it.

We said that we wished he would use more discretion about the shows that he watches on TV because there is so much that pops up in those shows about drug use (and sex, too).  Everything that he has heard in treatment and therapy says that he should avoid triggers.  He thinks that seeing it in a TV show or movie isn’t a trigger for him. 

He tried to turn the attention away from what HE shouldn’t have been doing, by telling us what WE shouldn’t be doing.  He rationalized his TV choices by saying that we shouldn’t watch crime shows either, then.  Right, because when we see something about drugs or murder in a crime show, that is going to be a trigger for us. 

He loves to come up with irrational examples in order to try to win an argument—even if it is not an argument.  And, if it is not an argument, it might become one. 

Red shirt:  On Monday morning, he was wearing his red shirt AGAIN!  He had already worn it on Friday and Saturday.  Both his friend and my older son mentioned on Saturday that he was always wearing red and black gang colors.  So, we weren’t the only ones that noticed that the red shirt gets more mileage than any other shirt he owns.  He would wear it every day, if he could.  My husband suggested that he wear other colors more often and stop wearing that one so much.

He was still in a bad mood and the comment about the shirt seemed like it was going to start another argument.  So, I hurried to say that on their way home from Day Treatment that day, they could stop at a store that has colored t-shirts for $3.00 and buy 4 or 5 of them. 

Easy solution.  He would get new shirts and we could have a quiet morning.  But no, my son had to give one of his irrational examples to try to prove some kind of absurd point. 

He said that if HE wears red too much and that makes him supposedly part of a gang, then, my husband, who wears camouflage (every now and then while hunting), must be in a gang, too.  We didn't say he was in a gang, just that he was wearing gang colors way too much. 

So, we had a Monday morning blow-up over a red shirt--a great beginning to the week. 

It was just icing on the cake after the weekend that we had.

When was he going to get over being mad at us for everything?

I kept waiting for it to get better.

It was going to get better, right?

EASTER

He wanted to go to a movie with a friend and his parents.  We were all for it.  He finally a chance to do something safely with a friend.  We were 99.99% sure that this friend has not used drugs, so we were anxious for him to re-establish this friendship.

Then, the night they were going to go, their family had a change of plans and decided to go to the movie the next night.

I told my son when the plans were changed that our family was having an Easter party the next day in the afternoon and early evening and that if he was going to go to the movie, he would have to see if they could go around 8:00 p.m.  I suggested that he call his friend.

He didn’t.

The next day, he was reminded again, a few times, that he should call his friend.

He didn’t.

Later that day, when I told him that it was time to get ready to go to our older son’s house for the party, he freaked out about how he couldn’t go to a party, he was supposed to go to a movie with his friend.

Oh brother.

Does he just not listen to me and all he hears when my mouth is moving is “blah, blah, blah, blah?”

He began accusing me and blaming me, repeatedly for not telling him that we had a family party to go to and now he wouldn’t be able to go to the movie.

He still did not call his friend to find out about the movie plans.  He just tried his best to argue with me.  I didn’t want to get into an argument, but I couldn’t even defend myself by telling him that he was told at least 5 times about how he had to make arrangements to go to the movie after the party.  He would not listen.  I am pretty sure he knew that he was the one who may have ruined the plans to go to a movie, but needed to blame someone else—me.

He just kept getting angrier and angrier at me.  It was so bizarre.  He didn’t even know if they were still going to the movie and when they were going and didn’t seem willing to find out. 

Thinking about it afterward, it seemed like he was possibly showing his nervousness about being in a new situation—going out with a friend for the first time in months-- by doing everything in his power to get grounded so that he couldn’t go.   The therapist said that when he has to switch from a familiar situation to an unknown situation, he feels a lot of anxiety, due to some of his executive functioning limitations.  This might cause him to act out.

He was acting out all right.

The longer the barrage went on, the more MY attitude and tone of voice changed from nice to irritation.  He assumes that irritation is yelling, so as I tried to explain the situation one more time, he said that it was time to have a time-out because I was yelling.

What?

I was totally in emotion-mind by then and I did not honor the time out.  I shouted my explanation at him as he walked away from me.  “I told you about the party last night.  I’m sorry that wasn’t soon enough for you.  I told you about the party several times today.  For some reason you chose not to call or talk to your friend about it.  It is not my fault!  Just call him now!” 

Bad idea. 

Anything that comes out in an argument while either of us are in emotion mind is a bad idea.  I knew I shouldn’t have done that.  But, seriously, it is a little hard to take the blame for messing everything up and then just sit back and take a time out. 

I am not very good at walking away.   I always think that if I can just say my piece, I can fix things.  I just want to solve things and have all of the bad feelings disappear. 

It didn’t work.

He swore at me and was very angry that he didn’t get to have his time out. 

Then, miraculously, his friend came over.  Since my son was sitting in his room, I asked the friend if they could go to the movie around 8:00 that night.  He called his mom, and it was fine with her.

Just like that.

Just that easy.

I wish it would have been just that easy to drive to the party at my son’s house.  I knew that the time-out would only last long enough for him to get ready to let me have it again, anyway.

He said he wanted to solve the problem and wouldn’t even get out of the truck until we rehashed everything. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore.   

We were going to the party and he was going to the movie after it.  Problem solved.

(And he WAS LUCKY to be able to go to the movie.  He was lucky that I thought it WAS more important for him to go out with a friend at this point in his life, than it was to ground him for being a jerk).

But, he had this huge need to make me admit that I made a mistake when I broke the time-out rule.  I was supposed to accept that he could blame me and blame me until he felt that I was put in my place and then he could take a time out so that I wasn’t allowed to say anything.  Even during the re-hashing, he never accepted any responsibility for the conflict at all.

It had to be my fault.

Whatever.

Enough already.  I was in tears.

I should have been happy and excited.

It was my grandson’s first Easter.  We were going to watch him have his first Easter Egg Hunt and dye eggs for the first time.  It was supposed to be a memorable occasion.

Now it was going to be memorable all right.  Just for the wrong reasons.

I went into the house and gave my grandson a big hug.

Fake it till you make it, right?

It was a good party and my grandson was as cute as could be.

A few hours later, my son went to his movie.

And that was Easter.

No Easter feelings of new beginnings in our struggles with our son that day.

Just feelings of Ongoing anger from him

And frustration for me.

Probing

The first time I heard a kid in treatment say that they were “Probing”, I had no idea what they meant.

My son, who is a comedian, said “Well, first they put on a glove…..”

Nice to hear him make a joke.  Hadn’t heard that much lately.

To “Probe” means going in front of a panel with his therapist, and a few of his fellow rehab-ites who ask questions and decide if moving to Phase 2 status is going to be granted.  They try to make sure the candidate is serious and not still lying about anything.

They consider the following list as they “probe”.

1.  Open and willing to appropriately disclose.

2.  Listens to and uses feedback.

3.  Demonstrates commitment to treatment program, goals, accepting limits, etc.

4.  Accepts responsibility for behavior and treatment. 

5.  Level of honesty.

6.  Knowledge and understanding of diagnosis, treatment, medication, addiction.

7.  Insight/understanding of dynamics of relapse.

8.  Aware of and understands lifetime stressors/triggers.

9.  Aware of thinking errors and remedies to thinking errors.

10.  Identifies use of DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) skills.

11.   Able to identify personal and family issues and progress/change.

Probe successful!

He was so proud of himself.

And now he gets to have more privileges like: 

1.  If approved by parents, teen may be left alone at home or may go somewhere without parents for 1 – 2 hours maximum.

2.  Teen may have contact with family, sponsor, and approved friends on Friend’s List only.

        *All names on Friends list must be at least 3 months sober.

        *Parents must meet all people on the Friends List (and their parents) prior to approving them.

        *Social media sites are not allowed while in treatment.  Email accounts are allowed only if parents have full access to them.

        *Parents must meet their teen’s sponsor and have their phone number.  The sponsor needs to be aware of program rules and parents must routinely verify teen’s contact with sponsor.

The first big thing he did as a Phase 2 was to go out to lunch with his sponsor to celebrate.  It was so strange to just let him go, even though his sponsor is a great guy and we trust him completely.

My son was so excited and couldn’t wait.  They went to Chili’s and now it is his favorite restaurant and steak is his new favorite food.  He had a great time and I was happy that it was a successful first outing for him.  I was grateful that his sponsor wanted to celebrate with him and make him feel like he had really accomplished something.

We were glad that he had accomplished something too.  He had been home from residential treatment for 3 months by the time he probed.  It took him so long to get to the point of probing that finally having these privileges was going to take some getting used to.  I felt like we had had been attached at the hip anytime he was not in Day Treatment. Now, I had to be willing to let him go out into the real world again, or leave him alone at home. 

It turned out that it wasn’t as nerve-wracking at first in my son’s situation.  He didn’t even try very often to do anything with friends.  He talked to them a few times, but neither he nor they really made any efforts to hang out.  I think that most of the friend’s he would have liked to have hung out with were scared off by the fact that we told them point blank that if they weren’t clean and sober, they couldn’t hang out with our son.  But, that’s the reality.  Trusting the friends is going to be just as hard as trusting our son.  Peer pressure is not good for a recovering addict. 

So, mostly, I had to get comfortable with leaving him at home alone for a few minutes while I ran errands, instead of making him go with me like I had been doing for so long.  I started running errands faster than I ever have before just because I was afraid to give him too much time alone.

Not because I thought he would do something.

But, I don’t think I will ever be sure.

And trust is going to take a long time to come back.

SIBLINGS

Our two adult children and their spouses are very supportive and understanding.  We couldn’t have asked for much more from them. 

Right before we admitted our son to rehab, I got this text message from my daughter-in-law: “You are being a GREAT mother by making a choice to help save your child’s life.  Sometimes the hardest choices in life are the best ones for your family.  He may say he hates you at first or be angry but I really feel in the end he will thank you.  Keep your chin up and keep reminding yourself why you are doing this and that you are being a good mom for caring so much.  And remember there is an end to it eventually.”

I appreciated that very much.

They were good about asking how everything was going and offered to listen if I needed to talk.

Our lives changed and our new schedule of group meetings, therapy sessions, AA meetings, and visits took a lot of time.  The mental and emotional impact on us was sometimes overwhelming.  

We didn’t mean to let that affect our relationships with our other children.  

I had read that sometimes siblings of addicts might feel "picked on" because they are not getting the time and attention that the addict is getting, but I didn’t expect that to happen in our family. 

It did.

My daughter thought that I wasn’t interested in her life, because I wasn’t calling her as much as I used to, and that when we did talk, all I did was talk about my son and what was going on with him.  Once, I asked her to talk to my son about something just to see if she could help him and I found out that she thought all I was ever doing anymore was “using” her and not being there for her in her life. 

After I told my husband what happened, he had a long conversation with her.  One of the things that he told her was that I was doing the best that I could and that this is very HARD!  He told her that when she was living at home, I did EVERYTHING for her that I could and that now it was time for me to do everything for our son that I could.  He told her that she might have to be there for me for awhile, just like I have been there for her.  He mentioned that neither she nor her brother had volunteered to spend some time with their little brother to give us a few hours of respite since we can’t leave him alone and he can’t go anywhere without us.

Shortly after that, my daughter and her husband volunteered to spend a few hours with him at their apartment.  That was very nice.

My husband and older son are in business together.  When the demands on my husband’s time increased it was necessary to sometimes start work later and get off work earlier.  Our older son was understanding, patient, and willing to take over a lot of the responsibilities of the business.  He was really great about it.

But, after a few months, he began to feel that things should be leveling out and that my husband needed to start acting like the head of the company again.  This created tension.  My husband felt that he was doing the best job he could and that he really wasn’t slacking off.  But, my son felt that he needed to step-up and get his head back into the business.  He said that contractors were noticing that my husband was pre-occupied and not readily available. 

My son would call me and try to talk to me about how this was causing problems with the business and with his relationship with his dad.  There were some bad feelings and resentments.  I never knew what to say and I felt upset that all of this turmoil with our youngest son was causing problems with the business, too.  Father/son personal relationships mixed with business relationships are hard enough without adding additional challenges.

The last thing that we needed was problems with our business.  It had been hard enough for the last 2 years since the economy crashed.  At this point we really needed things with the business to go as smoothly as possible.  My husband and son needed to get along, but I didn't know how to help them. 

We were going through one of the hardest things in our lives and we didn’t ever intend to make our adult children feel unloved and unvalued.  It made me sad that that they felt neglected in their own separate ways.

Every day we were trying to do the best that we could as we dealt with what our son was dishing out and going through.  There was always something causing emotional turmoil.  It took a lot of time and energy and it affected the whole family more than we thought it would.

Just as life is one day at a time for the recovering addict, it is one day at a time for the parents of one, too. 

Knowing how to live this life of parenting a recovering addict, being parents of adult children, being in-laws, and being grandparents too, is a discovery process. 

We make mistakes and hope that when we do, we learn from them.  We hope all of our family members know how much we would never want to hurt their feelings.

Everything that has happened makes us love and appreciate every one of them so much more.

I want them all to know that.

Argument Letter

We had an argument.  Surprise.

It just came out of the blue.

Everything had been going so well.

He wanted permission to download an X-box game.  We still haven’t given up on being strict about the X-box, especially about the content of games.  We were trying to trust him to get games that weren’t totally awful but, at this time, we were still trying to figure out how to maintain the standards of our home and our beliefs while letting him play some of the games that he wanted to on the X-box. 

This particular game was one that he had apparently heard about from my brother-in-law.  We wanted to ask my brother-in-law about the game and whether he thought it was appropriate for my son.  But that meant, that my son would not be able to get the game RIGHT THAT SECOND.  And that was what started the argument.  

I always feel like I have to get involved to try to keep things from getting out of control.  And then, they get out of control anyway.

It upset me that this argument was taking place because he knew that as far as I was concerned, he couldn’t get a game anytime soon. He had tried to get me to buy him a game just a few days before and I told him that he wouldn’t be able to get a new game for quite awhile.  Now, he was working on my husband.

After everything blew up, I still wanted to be able to say the things that I was thinking about.  When I feel like I can’t say it out loud for one reason or another, I write.  So, I wrote him this letter:

       I would like to tell you this.  After all the good times that we have had in the last couple of weeks, your dropping F bombs and basically saying that I was acting like a b!&@#, was just really STUPID!

       I have been trying so hard!  I have been bending over backward trying to keep things cool around here, helping you, and being there for you.

       And you have been trying hard, too--until just now.

       All of a sudden you just HAD to have a new game—3 days after I told you that there would be no games bought for you until after the next holiday, if then.  Or maybe after you commence from the program.  But, not now.

       I am sorry that you don’t understand that, usually, when people tell you something they really mean what they say.

       I am sorry that I didn’t run home to your Dad last Wednesday and tell him all about how you tried your hardest to get me to buy you a game.  I decided to just not even bring it up so that there would be no more contention in our house than necessary.  I thought that you had accepted the decision.

       Now it seems like he should have known about last Wednesday so that he would be aware of what I already told you.

       I can’t believe that you just didn’t take the information that was given and just let it go at that.  You just had to push and push and push.

       Dad said maybe you can get a game.

       Maybe you CAN get a game after you probe.

       If it is up to me, maybe you can get a game after you commence.

       Nobody said no--never.  Nobody said it depended on the foul language in the game.  The only thing that was stipulated was that we would like to find out more about the game.

       I think getting a game also DOES depend on attitude.  This kind of attitude doesn’t help your case at all.

       From my perspective, you wanted a game right now.  You didn’t get approval to get the game right now.  So you decided to try to throw 2 weeks of good behavior down the drain.

       I am sorry you don’t like it when I am talking quietly and trying to stay as calm as I can.

       You should be thrilled and jumping up and down that I am not YELLING!  I am trying as hard as I can.  If the tone is not what you want, then maybe you should consider what YOU are doing to get that tone of voice.  At least I am not swearing at YOU and calling YOU names.

       I think I have improved tons in the not-yelling department. 

       I am sorry that you don’t like my tone of voice after you drop f-bombs on me and say that I am acting like a b!%@# because of my tone of voice.

       I honestly cannot figure out what your deal was tonight.

       I feel really bad that it went where it went.

       Remember, that time out means time out, and when we say that we don’t want to talk about it anymore so that the situation doesn’t blow up, then maybe you should stop talking about it and making it blow up.

       I hope you can find it in yourself to accept that we did not even need to have an argument tonight and that you can figure out how to not have another one on the same topic tonight or anytime in the future.

Love, Mom

I wish these arguments would just stop.  X-box arguments are the worst.  I can’t fathom that the X-box is more important to him than anything else at times like this.  Relationships can go to heck as far as he is concerned when he wants an X-box game.

He has great tenacity.

When he wants something, he will fight to the death to get it, even when it is very likely that the outcome will not be in his favor.  The more we oppose something, the more he will fight for it.  That is why he was so non-compliant during his first couple of months in rehab.  He knew what we wanted.

I always say that I think his tenacity is one of the good things about him because this quality will be very beneficial for him when he learns to use it in a positive way in his life.

When it comes to his tenacity in fighting rules--I can’t stand it.  He uses it to try to get his own way--no matter whether what he wants will be good for him or not.

I think his tenacity will be GREAT when he uses it to fight to stay clean and sober in the face of temptation.

I would like to have NO MORE of these “fight to the death battles”.  I don’t know how many more I can take.

I don’t know how many more of these battles ALL of our relationships can take.

They tear us apart.

They break my heart.