Step One

Passing many of the Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous is one of the requirements to progress through the rehab program.  So, he had to complete this Step 1 Packet and then pass it off to a Step Advisor.

This is the packet:

Step 1

                We admitted we were powerless over alcohol/drugs—that our lives had become unmanageable.

                Before starting on Step One, you have to get right with some of the definitions involved.  People tend to struggle with terms like “powerless” and “unmanageable.”   We picture wild-eyed crazies who live in dark alleyways and rip off little old ladies for drug money.  We think, “I am not one of those people.  Sure, I have had a couple of ups and downs with my use, but I can stop any time I want.  No one has really given me a chance.”
                The 12-step (AA, NA, CA, etc.) definition of “Powerlessness” is very simple:  If you have had negative effects or Harmful Consequences from your use to any aspect of your life and you keep on using, you are, by 12-step definition, POWERLESS.  It means that you have lost control over your use. 
                It’s the same thing with “Unmanageable.”  It’s like being pregnant—either you are or you’re not!  You can’t be kind of, sort of, almost, or maybe!  Either you have been in full control over your use or you haven’t.  This means that unless you have had complete control over the amounts you consume, and the effects of your use in all aspects of your life, you are not fully in control of your use.  If you are not in complete control, then your use is not completely manageable.  Therefore, in AA’s definition, you are experiencing “unmanageability” in your life and in your use.
                It is the 12-Step work that you will be working on in recovery and treatment.  Now that you understand their definition, try to answer the following questions with this in mind.

Step 1:  We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (or drugs)—that our lives had become unmanageable. 

Let’s see how much you’ve lost because of drugs or alcohol.
How?  By completing the First Step and admitting the truth.
Fill in these pages.  It’s time to stop lying and to get honest with yourself.

Step 1:  Inventory
You have been admitted to a treatment program for drug or alcohol problems, and you aren’t sure whether you need to be here.  You may admit that you use “a little.”  But you’re not out of control.  Well…let’s see.  The purpose of Step 1 is for you to write down your problem and face how serious it is.

Be honest!!
This is a special opportunity.  It could mean life or death.  Don’t waste your time with lies.  Write the truth and let’s look at whether you have a problem.

Risk Taking
1.  Write about the times drugs or alcohol have put your life in danger.

“I have been in a lot of fights when weapons were involved.  I have almost been hit by a car and I have done a lot of stupid s*#$ when I have been high.

2.  Did you risk the lives of others when you were using drugs or alcohol?

“In fights and while I was DUI.”

3.  Have you ever thought about killing yourself?  Explain.

“No.”

Thinking Less of Yourself
1.  What have you done sexually when you were high that you wished you had not done?
(He wrote an answer to this question that kind of shocked me.  I talked to his therapist about his answer because it contradicted what he had told me when I asked him about sex the time we were doing his Harmfuls packet.  She told me that she was confident that he has not had sex.  So, I am not going to disclose the answer that he wrote on his packet.  I feel better going with the therapist’s feelings on this).
2.  Write about the times when someone has hurt you physically or the times when you have hurt others (being beaten up, rape, gang fights, etc).

“I have hurt and been hurt by others in fights.”

3.  What things have you done to get drugs or while on drugs that you told yourself you would never do?

“I would car hop and steal stuff from stores.”

Breaking the Law
1.  Give examples of times you have broken the law while using drugs or while trying to get money to use (shoplifting, stealing money or cars, prostitution, etc.).

“Shoplifting, car hopping, using drugs, and driving while I am 14 and high.”

2.  Tell about the times you were arrested, sent to jail or juvenile court, or just “picked up” by the police.

“None.”

3.  Did you deal drugs or alcohol?   Where and to what age groups?

“Yes.”  “Mostly at school to 8^th and 9^th graders.”

4.  Have you ever used a false ID to buy alcohol or asked an adult to buy it for you?

“No.”

5.  How many times have you skipped school to use alcohol or drugs?
Once or twice or many times?

“Many times”.

6.  How many times have you missed school because you were too sick from alcohol or drugs (hung over, hadn’t been to bed yet, etc.)?
Once or twice or many times?

“Many times.”

7.  Have you ever been suspended from school?  Why?

“No.”

8.  Did your grades or school participation go down because of drugs? 
Describe what happened:

“No”.

9.  Did you ever drink or use drugs on school grounds? 
                             “Yes”

Losing the Trust of Your Family
1.  What behaviors does your family complain about the most?

“Stubborness”

2.  Did your family know about your drug or alcohol problem?

“Yes”

3.  Have you ever done these things?  (Put a check next to the ones you’ve done.)
__X__a.  Tired to sneak out at night to get high.
__X__b.  Used drugs or alcohol at home.
__X__c.  Stolen money from family to buy drugs or alcohol
____d.  Used drugs and then lied to parents about it.

Issues with Friends
1.  Before you began using or drinking, did you have “straight” friends?
What things did you do with them for fun?

“Yes”  “Skateboarding, X-box, sports, card games, and pool.”

2.  Write about the friends you have now.  Are they drug users, straight, etc?

I still have all my sober friends and a lot of using friends.

3.  a.  If you still have straight friends, do they know that you use?

“Yes”

b.  What do they say or think about your drug or alcohol use?

“Nothing”

4.  a.  What things did you do for fun that you don’t do anymore because of your drug or alcohol use? 

“None”

b.  Why did you stop doing them (don’t have time, too messed up to do it, drug friends don’t think it’s “cool”, etc)?
(he did not answer this question).
5.  Do you think you are part of the drug culture or group?   Why or why not?

“Yes”  “Because that is who I hang out with the most.”

6.  What did most people at your school (or neighborhood) think about you?  (What was your “image”?)

“They thought I was a stoner and so did I.”

Effect on Your Body and Brain
1.  Put a check by the problems you have had because of drug or alcohol use.  Describe when the problem began, how often it occurs, and how much it bothers you.
__X__a.  Trouble with memory (blackouts, can’t remember things in school, can’t pay attention, etc.).

“I can never remember things and I can’t ever pay attention in school and it pisses me off.”

__X__.  b.  Getting dizzy

“I get dizzy a lot when I stand up.”

____c.  Having flashbacks or seeing trails.
____d.  Hands, feet, or legs getting numb.
__X__e.  Trouble sleeping

I have never been able to sleep without problems.

____f.  Getting the shakes (“nerves”) if you try to stay off drugs or alcohol.
____g.  Don’t care about doing anything.

Running Away from Painful Feelings
Sometimes you may drink or get high to escape from painful feelings of sadness or anxiety.  Write about these feelings and what caused them.

“I would have fights with my family and it would make me mad so I would use.”

 Effects on Your Mind
1.  Write about the times you were thinking about drugs or alcohol (or how to get them) when you were supposed to be thinking about school, work, or people.

“I was pretty much always thinking about getting and using drugs.”

2.  Give examples of things (like homework or chores) you forgot to do because you were high or drunk.

“None.  I never did homework anyway.”

3.  Have you ever tried to control how much you used drugs or alcohol (I’ll just smoke one joint, “ or “I’ll just have one drink,” or “I won’t use anything tonight.”)?

No”

4.  Write about some of the times you ended up using or drinking too much anyway and couldn’t stop.

“I never really told (myself) I would only use this much.  I just used until everything was gone.”

Giving Up Plans for the Future
1.  If you had not come into this program now, what would have happened to you?

“My life would be a lot worse.  I would still be using and I would probably be in DT.”

2.  Before you started using or drinking, what plans and goals did you have for your life?

“None”

3.  How did your plans and goals change after you began using?

“None”

Summary
Addicts are people who, once they use a drug, have to keep using even though their life is a mess and getting worse.  They no longer care about school, job, family, or friends.  They will lie, cheat, and steal to get drugs.  The First Step is for you to see whether you are an addict or if you are on the way to becoming an addict.
1.  Do your answers to any of the questions help you see that your life is a mess because of drugs?   Which questions?

“Yes”  “Almost all of them.”

2.  Can you accept that you are an alcoholic or drug addict? ____Not sure—maybe I’m on the way to becoming an addict.

“Yes”

3.  May confess that they have no control over their drug use, but they don’t really believe it.  What would it take to make you believe you are powerless over using alcohol or drugs?

“I already know.”

4.  What about your life is most like an addict’s life?

“My entire life revolved around drugs.”

5.  Name things you could change (in a good way) about your life while in this program.

“Never start using in the first place.”

6.  Filling out these First Step questions could be use a joke, unless you have been totally______

“honest”

Now you will present your First Step inventory to a First Step group so you can hear your own thoughts and get feedback.

Take the risk of being honest!

Your life depends on it!

After reading that packet, I thought that he should have had to complete it before he ever was released from residential treatment.  Really coming to terms with the fact that he was powerless when it comes to drugs probably would have been a good thing for him to have discovered BEFORE he came home and took all of his anger out on us for being put in rehab.

But, at least he said that he could accept the fact that he is an addict.  That makes me feel that maybe he is telling the truth every Friday when we go to AA and he says, “My name is ___ and I am an addict.”

I can’t believe that he was in all of these fights that he wrote about.  I didn’t ever see any evidence of having been in a fight, but I wonder if that is one of the reasons that he would claim to be sick some days—because he had been fighting and was hurting as a result of it.

What are some of the other stupid are that he has done?  He will probably never tell me.  I know that driving was an insane thing for him to do.  Not only was he driving someone else’s car (he better not have been driving mine!), but he could have killed someone, himself, and wrecked the car, too.  My husband and I could have been liable for his actions and we could have lost our son in a car accident. 

Knowing that he was stealing from people and cars makes me feel like somehow he missed the part where we taught him about honesty.  Of course, he seems to have forgotten a lot of what we taught him about everything from not smoking, drinking, and using drugs to basic right from wrong. 

It makes me anxious to even think about the fact that he dealt drugs to other kids.  Other parents have kids who use drugs and when they find out about it, like we did, they are going to be so mad at the drug dealer—just like we were—only the drug dealer is my kid this time.  What an awful circle of circumstances that is!

It is so agonizing to think that he could have died at any time due to using drugs. We would have been so shocked when we found out.  As far as we knew, our son would never do anything like that.

He said that he would get in arguments with his family and then go and use drugs because of it.  But, he also said that he was always thinking about getting and using drugs and that his life revolved around drugs.  In one instance he is blaming us and in the next instance he makes it sound like he is addicted.  No wonder he would have arguments with us--everything that we would talk about or want him to do had nothing to do with his daily desire to use drugs!

I hope he meant it when he said that if he had not been put in rehab that his life would be a lot worse.  Because at first, and for many weeks afterward, he thought that being put in rehab was the worst thing that had ever happened to him.

People say that some day he will get over being mad about it.

Some day he will thank us.

All of these days in between are so overwhelming, though.

I hope we all make it to some day.



Consequence

He never takes his contacts out at night.  It has been one of those issues that we have had many, many discussions about.  He doesn’t have extended wear contacts.  His vision is so bad that he has to have his contacts specially ordered by the ophthalmologist’s office.  Even with contact lens correction, his measurements are 20/50 and 20/60.  So, everyone told him that he should make sure that he takes care of his eyes by taking his contacts out every night.  He didn’t believe that it was necessary and it made his life easier to just leave them in 24 hours a day. 

It was also something that he had control over.  Kids who are oppositional defiant try to find things that they CAN control and that no one else can really do anything about.  We couldn’t physically make him take the contacts out.  Yes, I know that we could have told him that he would have to wear glasses if he didn't take better care of his eyes.  But, I also know what kind of battle that kind of threat would have created.  Sometimes, I just get tired of having battles when I don't have to.  At his age, it seemed like he could figure out what he was responsible to do without us having to fight about it. 

Then, he finally learned why he should be more responsible with his contacts and his eyes. 

He woke up one morning with a terribly red eye.  We told him that it was probably a consequence of not taking his contacts out, but he didn’t believe us.  He didn't tell me that it was causing him pain, so he went to Day Treatment, anyway.  My husband and I have made it a habit to take him to Day Treatment every day, whether he acts sick or not. 

He has had so many days over the last few years where he has missed school unnecessarily, that now we just let the teacher and the nurse at the facility decide whether he is too sick to stay there for the day or not.  Several times since he came home for Day Treatment, he has played his sick game.  Sometimes they call us to come and get him, and sometimes, he decides to stop acting sick and he stays there the whole day.

That day, I was called and told that he had pink-eye and that I needed to take him to the doctor.  Just like I thought, he didn’t have pink-eye, he had an eye infection caused by his contact lens.  The doctor told him how important it was for him to take his contacts out every night and also told him not to wear the contact in that eye until it was better.  The infection was painful and made his eye very sensitive to light.  He said he never wanted his eye to feel like that again.

But, it recurred TWO more times over the next few weeks!  I guess he had to learn by repetition.  It was annoying when he had to miss Day Treatment for a couple of days each time, because they kept telling me he had pink-eye even though he didn’t.

After the third time of enduring the pain and sensitivity to light, he started taking his contacts out almost every night!  He has had nights when he has fallen asleep before taking them out, but still—finally--he has had a consequence that TAUGHT him something!

I hope that the consequences that he has had from his drug use and addiction will eventually teach him something, too!

ARGUING

He found something to argue with us about almost every day for weeks and weeks after he came home.

The arguments were worse and filled with so much more emotion than any argument that we ever had before he was in rehab.  I could not believe the things that he would say when he was in his new emotional state of mind.

F-bombs were dripping off of our ceiling.

I have never been sworn at or told that I was acting like a b!#@& so many times in my life.  Most teenagers talk one way in front of their friends, and another way in front of their parents.  Not anymore around here.  He just told us what he thought, when he thought it, and in whatever colorful language he thought it in.

One of our bad arguments was when he found out we threw away his banana chair.  Apparently, he doesn’t remember anything about the stash that we found in the chair.  He denies to this day that it was his.  He was adamant that I owed him money to compensate him for the loss of that piece of junk chair.  Even though he had a drug stash in our house—in that chair—he felt that HE had been wronged by us throwing his property away. 

Sometimes when we argue, he tries to make his point by being absurd.  He said that throwing away this chair was the same as if he had thrown away our flat screen TV.  He would not accept any explanations or any reasoning and just kept trying to prove that he was right.  One of his statements was, “I just want the money for the chair.  You owe me that.”

I think I laughed at that comment, which didn’t help.  He doesn’t like it at all when I find absurdity humorous.  I shouldn’t have laughed because he got even angrier.  But at that point he did decide that he would just stop arguing about it.  For that night, anyway.

We talked about it during family therapy, but he still would not radically accept that the chair was gone and we weren’t going to compensate him for it.  The therapist gave him all kinds of reasons why we had the right to throw the chair away and told me that I should absolutely NOT give him any money for that chair. 

He does not agree and even wants to kick the a$$ of the person that put the stash in the chair. The therapist told him it is very likely that put the stash in the chair while high and then forgot that he did.  I guess he would have a hard time kicking his own a$$.

Maybe he does need to kick his own.

And then days later, he brought it up again!  Seriously!  Sometimes I just wanted to give him the money so that he will shut up about it. 

On the way home from Day Treatment, his Dad asked him how his day was.  He started complaining about his teacher and how unfair it was that she gave him more homework than anyone else.  My husband said that we should find out if she really wass giving him more than she should, or see if she wass giving him more work to help him get caught up to where he should be at in school.  Then, my son said, “So you are going to believe someone who lies more than you will believe me.  Just like you don’t believe me about the banana chair.”

My husband asked him why he was going down that road because we had discussed the chair enough. 

He declared, “Because I want to clear my name—that wasn’t my stuff!”

I didn’t understand why he felt the need to lie about it, deny it, or even rehash it over and over again.  There were drugs in his chair.  We threw it away.  THE END!

But, when they got home, he wanted to see proof of the things that were in the chair.  I showed him a picture of it, but even though his signature green duct tape was on the highlighter pen and on the plastic bag of matches, he said that it didn’t prove that it was his. 

I was getting so tired of going around and around about this that I said, “Okay, the tooth fairy put that stuff in your chair.  The chair is gone.  We already told you that we would get a chair for your room when we get are finished with the closet and get new carpet.  Let’s just get past this!”

He said that he fully expected a new chair AND the money that we owe him for the banana chair!

He definitely felt entitled about it.  

The crazy thing that night was when he finally got around to doing his homework, he only had four math problems!  He didn’t even have any extra homework!

So, something set him off that day and put him in an argumentative mood and it wasn’t the fact that he gets more homework than anyone else. 

It just kept happening and happening.  I was emailing the therapist every night telling her what we were going through, hoping that she could talk to him during the day so that things could start getting better. 

But, he argued about everything from the colors to paint his room, to the X-box to what time to go to bed.  And not just once on each topic, but over and over again.  It seemed like he wanted to be in full control, making all of the decisions and rules.  If he wanted to play the X-box all night on weekends, he thought he should be able to.  If he wanted to eat snacks in bed after 9:00 p.m., he just did.  Taking his contacts out at night or not, was his decision. 

He would only compromise as long as the compromise went 100% in his direction.  We felt like we couldn’t set limits or rules to establish routines.  As long as we didn’t say too much about what we thought he should be doing, everything went better.  Unless he was in a bad mood and wanted to fight about anything and everything, then it seemed like his anger and temper just got worse and worse. 

One Friday night, I let him stay up until 11:00 to play the X-box.  But, when I told him it was time to quit and go to bed, he said he had just started playing a game on X-box LIVE with his brother.  He wanted to be able to play with him for awhile, so I said that he could finish that game and play one more.  But, he wanted to be able to play 2 more games with him and since the matches usually last about 10 minutes, I compromised and said, “Ok, 2 more games and that is all.”  But, when I left the room, he switched the game to a match that takes a long, long time to play.  And, he wasn’t playing with his brother anymore.  When my husband asked him what he was doing, he made some excuses about how he couldn’t invite his brother to play this match with him and he didn’t know why.  We said that since he was given permission to play with his brother and now he wasn’t, just needed to be done. 

He thinks we are stupid, but we know what he does when his is given an inch.  I said he could play 2 more games.  So, he switched to a match that takes 3 times as long to play as the match that he normally plays.  That way, he still had his 2 games-- they were just going to give him a lot more playing time.  Then, he blamed the fact that he wasn’t playing with his brother anymore on the X-box messaging system. 

We were in one of those cycles that just spun out of control.  He thought he was justified in his actions and we thought we were justified in insisting that he should stop playing the X-box. 

The arguing did not get us anywhere, but in crazy emotional states of mind.  Neither one of us was going to give up on our positions.  It got so bad that at one point my son actually looked like he was staring my husband down as if he were contemplating hitting him.  

Then, finally, something just broke in my son and he said, “I am just tired of this and tired of everything.  I am tired of trying to get along.  It has been too many years.  I give up.”

I said, “No matter what, I will not give up on you.”

Then he said, “You don’t know what it is like to be the kid whose parents stuck him in rehab.”

I said, “I am the parent whose kid started using drugs.”

We didn’t talk anymore that night.  I went to my room and cried. 

The next morning, he apologized and said he is willing to try again.

I wish I could say that we turned a corner with that statement, but it took many more weeks to feel like he really was willing to try again.

There were a lot more tears along the way.

HARMFULS

His therapist wanted him to work on a “Harmfuls” assignment with me.  I don’t know if it was her way of opening up a conversation about his drug use with me, or what.   We didn’t really talk.  He just asked me to be his scribe and I wrote his answers to the following questions:

1.  Preoccupation with chemicals

Thinking about getting high a lot.  Getting high when I should have been doing something else.  Constantly planning the next time I would use.

2.  Lying about chemical use

I lied about what drugs I have done and how long I was using them.

3.  Attempt to quit or control use

I never tried to quit or reduce my use.

4.  Effects on your physical health

I have gotten close to being hit by a car.  And I have had a few times almost O.D.’d

5.  Effects on family

My family relationship got a lot worse and loss of parents trust.  I did not follow the family rules by using drugs, lying, and running away.

6.  Effects on social life

My life revolved around using and selling

7.  Effects on finances

I spent my money on drugs instead of things I needed or wanted.  A lot of money.  I have no idea how much. 

8.  Effects on school

I would frequently get high at school.  I usually got D’s and F’s, mostly F’s in all my classes.  I was never motivated in school, so my motivation didn’t decrease.

9.  Legal effects

I would car hop in neighborhoods and deal drugs to get money.

10.  Sexual effects

None

11.  Effects on thinking and feeling

Blackouts, loss of memory, confusion, poor judgment, and isolating.

12.  Effects on you morally

I constantly lied and stole.

13.  Effects on you spiritually

None

14.  Effects on work or chores

My parents gave up on giving me chores.

15.  Personal example

The negative effects of my use are being stuck in rehab and having a screwed up family life.

After that, I wrote down all the questions that I wish I could get answers to.  I hoped that I might get a chance to ask them during our weekly family therapy.

But, every single time we have family therapy, we talk about our communication problems--probably because we always have communication problems.  From the first day that he came home, we have had daily arguments about something—sleep, X-box, restrictions, TV watching, going to school, etc.  The poor therapist is practically pulling her hair out because we can’t seem to get along.  So, we have never had a chance to talk about the drug use during our sessions.

But, I have so many questions.

I am afraid to ask any of them.

Here they are:

You said you started smoking cigarettes at age 12 because your friends did?  What friends?  Where did you get cigarettes?  How did you not smell like smoke?

At age 12, you started drinking.  Beer and vodka.  Vodka?  Are you kidding me?  Where did you get vodka?  Who did you drink with?  Whose house did you drink at?  Did you steal it from one of your friend’s parents?  Did you drink at home?  How did you hide alcohol in the house?

How did you smoke marijuana in the shower without anyone being able to smell it in the house?  You deny having a stash in the house, yet you smoked weed in the shower.  Did you just carry everything around in your pockets?  Did you smoke it anywhere else in the house?  Did you stick your head out the hole in the screen in your room?

Besides, during school and in the shower, when did you do all of this?  If you were at the friend’s houses that I know and if those friends don’t do drugs, then when did you find the chance to do all the drugs that you said you did?  Where did you do it?  How did you get away with it when I always seemed to know where you were and I always could get in touch with you where you said you were going to be?

When did you go to parties and raves?  You have never been allowed to go to a party in your life.  The only time you have never been at home at night was when you had a sleepover at _________’s house.  You swear he did not use drugs and did not know that you did.  So, how did you manage to go to these parties and raves?  Did he cover for you?  Or, did you lie about even sleeping at his house?  Did you sneak out of our house at night?  How did you sneak out of the house?  How did we not hear you? 

Did you care that when you mixed drugs, you could have died?  Is that how you almost OD’d?  Who was there to help you when you almost OD’d?  How did you survive?  On one of your papers, you wrote that your favorite drug was cocaine.  Cocaine?  You were as mad as heck that we put you in rehab for smoking weed and now we find out that you were using cocaine and almost every other drug imaginable.   

Who is or are the dealers that you got your drugs from?  Who introduced you to them?  How did you decide to start dealing yourself?  Do you feel bad about the fact that you were in the business of harming others just to get what you wanted?  How would you have felt if the drugs you delivered ended up killing someone?  Did you even think about the consequences of getting caught with drugs or dealing drugs?  Don’t you think that being in trouble with the law would have been worse than being put in rehab?

Why?  Why did you do it?  Over and over again?  To the point that it was all that you cared about?   

Do you really think because we had a lot of arguments, or because we were always on your case about school—you had a valid excuse to smoke, then drink, then start using drugs?  Arguing with parents is a normal teenage thing, and most teenagers don’t start drinking and using drugs because of it, so why did you think that was the answer for your life?  Were you trying to hurt us somehow?  Did it make you feel powerful and like you had all the control over your life?  Do you really think that was a good way to control your life?

Why would you do something harmful just because you were bored?  After all that you had learned about drugs and all that we taught you, why would you start using?  When all of the arguments started to get worse and we were trying everything in our power to make things better—how do you think it made us feel to find out that drugs were the reason that everything was getting worse?  Did you think that lying to us and deceiving us was going to make your life better?

Did you steal Lortab or money from your aunt when we trusted you to be at her house alone while you were doing her yard work?  Did you steal other things from her?  Who else in our family did you steal from?  Did you steal from your brother or sister?

Did you steal anything from our house?  Did you steal money from your dad or me?  Did you go through our room and look for money? 

Do you realize that stealing from other people is wrong?  Do you think you should do something to make it up to the community for stealing from people?  How could you think it was ok to steal from people?  What made you feel like you deserved someone else’s money?  How do you feel now about being dishonest and stealing?

Were your “mystery Illnesses” not a mystery to you?  Were you suffering hangovers, side effects from drugs, or were you just too tired from sneaking out of the house at night?  How do you think it makes me feel to know that when your illnesses became more and more frequent, your drug use was also ramping up?  I was worried about your health and you were destroying it in the background.  How do you think I feel now, every time you say you have a headache, stomachache, or just don’t feel well?  Now I get suspicious instead of concerned.

Last fall, when you were sick for 3 weeks, were you still smoking pot in the shower, or at night, or when I left you home alone?  Were you taking any other drugs, or drinking during that time?  Again, I was so worried about you and tried so hard to find out what was wrong with you.  Now it seems like you might have been doing everything to make yourself even sicker behind my back.  I was lying awake all night listening to you cough, worrying about you.

Were you constantly lying and sneaking around?  Were you arguing with us more and more because you were feeling guilty about what you were doing?  Were you picking fights with us so that you could make yourself feel better about what you were doing?  Did it help you to make it seem like it was our fault because we were arguing with you? 

Were you ever afraid?  When you blacked out and then woke back up were you scared?  Did you ever wonder what happened to you or if you had done something really bad while you were blacked out?  

Your sister feels like she was deceived and is sad about the way you were living your life.  When I told her I was writing all of these questions, she started crying.  She says she looks at pictures of you during the last 2 1/2 years and thinks—how could he have been doing drugs this whole time?  Her questions for you are:  Why would you do the things you have done?  Why would you start smoking and drinking?  Why would you use drugs?  Why would you cause so much heartache for your whole family?

How do you feel about drugs now?  You said that your life revolved around using and dealing.  Do you wish you had never started?  Do you think you can stand up to all of the former people that knew that you used?  Can you and will you tell them no, now?  Is that your plan?  You said that you started smoking when you were twelve because of peer pressure.  What are you going to do about peer pressure now?  What are you going to do if the drug dealer starts talking to you again about using?

Now that you have learned even more about the harmful effects of drugs, are you committed to never use again?  Now that you know how your brain could be damaged permanently and that you might have already caused some damage to it, can you honestly say that you will give it all up and never touch any of it again?   

How are you going to keep yourself from getting bored?  How are you going to regulate your mood and your feelings?  How are you going to take charge of living your life clean, sober, positive, and happy?

How are you going to gain our trust back?

How do you think I will ever get over being terrified to leave you alone or let you go somewhere without someone in our family? 

I don’t know how to ask all of these questions.

They are like a big, huge elephant in the room that we are afraid of, so we just avoid it and don’t talk about it.

I feel like the fear will never go away.

Autobiography

Another thing that he was required to write was his autobiography. 

This is his.

“I was born in (the city he was born in) on (the date he was born).  I was raised in an LDS family and I had good friends, good grades, and a good attitude all through 1^st, 2^nd, 3^rd grade.  4^th grade is when it all started to fall apart.  I started getting bad grades, my attitude changed.  I just didn’t understand the stuff I was trying to learn.  5^th and 6^th grade I just gave up, didn’t even try to do the work.  Same thing in 7^th grade.  By that point, my family life was screwed.  My parents wre pissed about my grades.  We argued a lot, mostly about school.  That’s when I started smoking cigarettes and pot and drinking.  8^th grade me and my parents started fighting more and more about other things but school.  That’s when I became friends with a lot of stoners and drug dealers and I started using aderaol, ridelin, and lortab and in 9^th grade I stopped talking to my parents completely and drugs became my entire life.  I was high on something every day, multiple times a day and I started using harder drugs like GHB, cocain, shrooms, and X and then my parents put me in here.

“Before that my dad was the one that I felt the most comfortable talking to.  He was usually calm and usually didn’t yell.  My mom was the one who was always mad at me for something.  She got pissed at everything.  So I never talked to her at all.

“My sister lives in (name of city) so I never get the chance to talk to her but she is nice.  She doesn’t b*%#& at me about doing drugs like everyone else so that is pretty cool.

“My brother lives 5 minutes away from my house but I haven’t seen him very much lately so I don’t really know what he thinks about all of this.”

After reading his autobiography, it is no wonder that I have felt like it is my fault that he started using drugs.  I know this is not the way to think.  I know that he is the one who made the decision to start using.  But, I am his mom and I was supposed to guide him and shield him and protect him.

What could I have done differently?

What if I had done more to figure out how to help him not struggle in school?  Once a friend of mine suggested having him tested. But, he was really smart and I didn’t think he had a learning disability.  I knew that he had a hard time getting the information from his head to the paper, so, he needed extra time to do his work.  It seemed to take him about twice as long or more to complete assignments.  I thought that by getting the teachers to understand this problem and having their cooperation in giving him more time was the key to helping him.  Unfortunately, the teachers would act like they would be helpful at first, and then change their attitude after a short period of time.  They always resorted to the opinion that he was lazy and uncooperative.  He would react by giving them the exact behavior that they were looking for.

I tried to help him with his assignments.  But, we usually got into battles.  No matter how I explained things, it seemed like he was trying really hard to NOT understand.  I would get frustrated and he would get upset.  We seemed to have school assignment fights every week night.  I didn’t like the yelling, but because I wanted to help him so much, I kept trying to help him and he kept wishing I would just leave him alone.  I should never have let school interfere with our relationship.  One thing that I learned in a parenting class a long time ago was—above all else preserve the relationship.  I wish had done that.

Then, he turned 12 and entered Junior High--the den of iniquity that we are forced to put our children into for 3 years.  I dreaded it when every single one of my kids started Junior High.  I was so afraid of all of the peer pressure and negative influences that seem to pop up in Junior High.  I think that if kids can make it through Junior High unscathed they have a great chance of staying on the straight and narrow through high school, too.  I had high hopes for my kids because we taught them well, worked on having good relationships with them, and thought they had good friends.

At the beginning of his 7^th grade year, I asked his friend who was going to be in 8^th grade that year to do me a favor.  I got along really well with this friend and I was always either teasing him or feeding him.  He and a lot of the other boys used to like to come to our house for cookies and any food that they could get.  So, I said to him, “I want you to have my son’s back in Junior High.  You watch out for him and make sure nothing bad happens to him.”  He assured me that of course he would.  Yeah.  Thanks for that.  This is the friend that my son first smoked weed with.  I really don’t think I was asking him to get my kid started on drugs.  It makes me sad that they couldn’t have been a support to each other to stay clean and sober.

It hurt me so much to read in his autobiography that I always seemed like I was pissed at him.  It probably did seem like that to him.  I didn’t know how to deal with the fact that he seemed to defy everything he needed to do or I wanted him to do.  Even when I tried to settle things calmly, tried to compromise, and tried to reward him—nothing would stop the cycle of defiance.  He would not give in—ever.  And I would resort to yelling. 

I just don’t think I was always mad at him and I don’t think I was always pissed at him.  It probably seemed like that because there are so many times in a kid’s life that a parent is telling him what to do.  He was also around me SO MUCH MORE than he was around my husband, that I was always the parent who dealt with most of the problems.

It would have helped to know that he was considered ADHD.  I didn’t think he was.  He never bounced off the walls.  He seemed to be able to concentrate when he wanted to.  He WAS hard to entertain.  If he was bored, then he was really bored.  We would have battles when he wanted me to come up with ideas of fun things to do and I couldn’t ever come up with anything that appealed to him.

I kept trying though.  When year-round school was off-track, I signed him up for kids club at the recreation center.  He had fun playing games, swimming, and ice-skating.  Later when he got too old for kids club, I signed him up for off-track bowling club.  He liked both of those activities.  Also, on school vacation days, I would take him to movies.  It seemed like a good fun tradition, right up to the point when he wouldn’t go with me, anymore.  When he started skateboarding, I drove him and his friends to skate parks.  Then, I would sit in my truck watching them skate, reading books or magazines, and even doing my work while they skated.  I almost always took them to get fast food before or after skating.  I sat there for 2 or 3 hours letting them skate as long as they wanted.

I am a mom who tried her hardest to be the best mom I could be.  But, would he have stayed away from drugs if I had been a better mother?  Who can say for sure now?  I can’t “should” on myself about what I could have done—“should” have done.  But, I do.  It just breaks my heart that even though I tried in every way and did everything that I could possibly do to make sure he would have a good life, I failed, somehow.  And now look what happened.

Nobody has blamed me.  Not my husband, not my friends or family, and not even the therapist.  But, some people have tried to find someone to blame.  A nameless, faceless person is an easy target for blame. 

The last paragraph in his autobiography is about that nameless, faceless person and it is something that I haven’t written about yet.

I wasn’t sure that I was going to.  I’m still not sure if I should.

But, my thoughts about it matter, too.  And, it is a part of him.

My son is adopted.  He was placed in our home when he was almost 2 months old.  He was born with drugs in his system.  The Child and Family Services department took custody of him, immediately after he was born.  We formally adopted him about one year later.  That was a happy and scary year.  We were so happy to have this wonderful baby boy in our home and so scared that for some reason we wouldn’t be able to keep him. 

This is the final paragraph in the autobiography:

“They told me I had to write a paragraph on adoption so here it is.  I was adopted when I was very young, a couple months I think.  My birth mother was a drug addict and they don’t know who my father is.  I don’t even know if either of them are even still alive.  My parents told me I was adopted when I was about 7 I think but that didn’t change anything at all.”

So, some people who know what my son is going through right now have automatically asked, “Is that because of his birth mother?” 

What?

Oh, Okay.  It is all her fault.  If we are going to blame someone, we might as well blame her, right?

But seriously, she may have given him the genetic trait to become an addict, but she didn’t make him smoke that first cigarette, take that first drink, or smoke his first weed. 

Any more than I did.

No matter how much I might blame myself.

And I am so sorry.